giveup

What I see before me now in the trauma I have looked into that I experienced in childhood is something genuinely do not want to deal with

But I know I have to

And because its inevitable and I see it as too hard for me to genuinely handle on top of everything else, I've been seeing giving up as a viable option

I don't want to do this work

I don't want to go down this path

I'd rather not bother trying to heal something that will knock the wind out of me and leave me in a state of emotional distress

This is my limit and I cannot face anything else

#Trauma #giveup #Suicide #Childhood #Abuse

Why am I so invisible to the world. How can people around me not know I’m hurting and continue with their day. #giveup

I'm tired and done with the arduous struggle of healing

The gilt and shame

processing complicated and strong emotions

Having to feel my own uncomfortable emotions

Having to deal with my own toxic/abusive behaviors

Dealing with making mistakes and falling down and having to make the choice to keep getting back up

I am not worthy and don't deserve it

I push my friends away who try to help and in turn they feel defeated

I don't blame them, I am defeated in myself too

Anyways I will make sure no one will get hurt in my giving up

I give up

#Death #Suicide #giveup

My dad crossed the threshold of old to elderly.
I have 0 left.😢 #giveup

I’ve been dealing with anxiety since I was seven years old, seeking treatment for about a decade since I was 18, but things don’t seem to get better. ‏I know I’ve made some progress but every second is still a struggle. ‏I am constantly dissociating and lose track of time. ‏I feel so guilty that I’m wasting my time, ‏that I don’t pursue my interests, ‏and that I don’t seem to be able to keep doing mindfulness practices that have helped me to some extent in the past. ‏I’ve tried so hard. ‏People view me as a successful PhD student, who immigtated to the other side of the world all by herself and has big ideas and passions; however, none of those goals and passions stay with me long enough to result in any action. ‏I cannot even listen to a song to the end without zoning out. ‏I feel I’m not in my body and don’t live my own experiences. ‏People don’t even acknowledge my Bpd diagnosis because my rage and other symptoms are all turned inward and aren’t observable to an outsider. ‏I’ve been so devoted to therapy. ‏I’ve tried so hard to dig inside and figure out what is wrong. ‏Now I am theoretically aware of my feelings and their roots. ‏I can lecture about them for hours. ‏I can apply that knowledge to other people’s lives and help them process their feelings and thoughts ‎(not that I believe in it. ‏It’s just something that I hear quite often). ‏But I cannot implement that awareness to my own life and change my feelings and thoughts. ‏I feel so tired and helpless. ‏I don’t find life intrinsically meaningful, ‏so I don’t know why I should keep fighting. ‏I don’t wanna die because I sometimes intensely feel tiny joys of life like a ‎5 ‏years old; smell of coffee, ‏all the colorful leaves on the ground these days, ‏my kitten purring when I pet him, ‏being vulnerable with a friend and have a good conversation, ‏when the laughters and tears mix. ‏However, ‏these ‎aren’t ‎the ‎realities of ‎my daily ‎life ‎and ‎I ‎don’t ‎have ‎the ‎luxury ‎to ‎even ‎feel ‎the intense ‎fleeting ‎joys ‎sometimes. ‏I ‎don’t ‎want ‎to ‎die ‎but ‎I ‎don’t ‎want ‎to ‎live ‎either. ‏I ‎think ‎I ‎cannot ‎push ‎further. ‏I ‎cannot ‎try ‎harder. ‏I ‎cannot ‎be ‎hopeful ‎anymore. ‏I ‎want ‎to ‎disappear.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Dissociation #giveup

Today I’ve cracked.
Lost it.
Completly had enough.
I’ve swollen more pills then food, drunk more magnesium then water and thrown up more then I’ve kept down.
I am at my wits end.
19 years, 16 surgeries and nothing works.
They say with grief there’s stages
Denial- it’s not that bad... think about the kids in Africa
Anger- f@!? This !!
Bargain- if only the pain was with a period... yeah that would be okay... just for 7 days a month
Depression- what’s the point in showering? Your going to swear like crazy and smell awful from the pain anyway..
Acceptance- this is my life. This is it. This is as good as it gets- I have to live on morphine.

I am having to restrain myself from a bullet to the brain. I can not do it for a second longer. I absolutely 100% give up. And I am not joking. I 100% can not wake up tomorrow to do it again.

(FYI I am not looking for a “you got this” “I know it’s hard just keep going” response.) #Endometriosis #ChronicPain #giveup

The days are long . I dont have any friends. I'm alone all the time. Nothing ever changes. My anxiety holds me hostage. I want things to change. I beg for it to change but it doesn't. I just #giveup

This was 6th month post treatment, trying to conceive. On Friday I found out I’m not pregnant yet again. Since then I’ve just been lying down crying my eyes out or screaming at my husband. We are a fairly religious family and this month I had prayed like I’ve never prayed before and this was just a huge kick in the gut. I don’t see myself getting out of this despair. I think I’m destined to be without kids my entire life. what’s the point in trying anymore. #Infertility #giveup