BPD girlfriend; her splitting, our love and why we just keep getting stronger. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CPTSD #LDR #LongPost
Important info: we are in a Long Distance Relationship, she has BPD, I have CPTSD. We video chat daily, on a normal day we love the company of the other because of how safe, happy and relaxed we make each other feel.
I’m lucky. Yesterday I had the courage to ask my girlfriend if she could explain her BPD to me. I knew basics like splitting and b&w view, and clinical stuff about it (cause I study psychology), but I never knew the personal perspective.
She told me how she currently feels numb when she wakes up. She feels on edge, easy to annoy. Then she told me that when she is on the other side, she is generally happy when she wakes up.
She told me how she currently feels like her friends are only there to pick away at her until they find something to use against her.
And this is where I consider myself to be lucky. She no longer sees me as a threat or like I am against her. She did in the first few months of us dating, but she said that something changed and she no longer sees me with anything but love and adoration. She says I make her feel safe and loved.
The only part of our relationship that this side sees as bad is when she cannot clearly see my emotions. She sees my blank face as annoyance ot anger. So I decided to try and make it easier and actively show my emotions more, make them clear, which should be easy cause I actually am terrible at hiding them normally.
We also made a plan that when she wakes up she tells me a) how she feels and b) what she needs from me because of it. Like if she feels like she currently has been and needs me to show my emotions more or what ever else may help her get through the day.
This conversation started cause I forget to mention why I left the computer for a pee break. I am currently having a hard time due to the distance and her splitting. She cannot show affection as much because even though she KNOWS she means it, that voice in her head says that it’s forced. So when I left to pee and left a bit later again to cry and compose myself, she hung up the call in what she said was a “childish action; how will she like it if I just leave” kinda of thinking.
But we talked it all out and now we have a better understanding of the situation as a couple. She is going to try and be more open about it, treat me like an unofficial psychologist until she has the courage to get one (because she always feels like they are trying to make her look crazy). Plus my psychologist is more than happy to give her advice because if my girl isn’t happy/suffering it effects me negatively.
I wish I could be there in person to help her more, give her the physical comfort she needs. Stupid COVID and lack of money really.
She is stuck with me and I am stuck with her. Which is great cause both our disorders gave us abandonment issues. And we are in a healthy relationship for the most part, the conflicts we have are generally only due to lack of communication or the occasional mental health mishap.