LongPost

To my veteran, the man of my dreams, the love of my life 🥺💕

If you've seen my previous posts you'll start to notice this is a trilogy 🤣

The gulf war veteran who freed my heart from heartbreak with the truth. And accidentally fell in love with me😳

I was still coming to terms with the fact I had been lied to by some loser with stolen valor (as you'll see in my previous posts).

You were still hurting over the godawful breakup you just had a few weeks ago.

We were just two broken souls looking for peace.
Never did we expect life to lead us to where we are now.

You came to pick me up so we could hang out at your place. I could see the presence of depression in your environment which made you nervous but having been there myself It did not even phase me. You were polite and funny, a complete gentleman. And we talked for hours about our history our trauma and our lives. I enjoyed your presence so much I didn't wanna leave and I began to stay the night. You resected my space and boundaries and made me feel safe. But sheeesh I did not expect you to confess your love for me on the THIRD DAY. After all didn't I just go through a situation like this?? I'm not going to lie I was absolutely terrified. But you respected the fact I would need time. We continued to spend every day together and my own feelings of love started to develop.
And I eventually said I love you back✨

Tho it's not that simple. But is Love ever simple?

You sat me down and explained in great detail that after your ten years in Iraq, you are suffering from PTSD (but actually you weren't lying to me like SOMEONE I KNEW) and had %100 disability from it. And that if I wasn't comfortable with having a partner with this mental disability I was free to walk away with no hard feelings. And I looked you in your eyes and said I choose you. As long as you truly love me I will stay by your side.

The time came when your symptoms started piercing through your mask of “normal”. You tried to combat it with alcohol and smoking with little result. But I stayed by your side, I gave you words of encouragement and love when you felt like your body’s nerves were on fire. I reassured you of my love when you were afraid I would leave you or hurt you for you had such Horrible horrible past relationship experiences. Finally, I had a place to put all my empathy, love, and understanding not only that but to receive it in return.

But it wasn't all smooth sailing from there. I randomly started to change I began to feel anxiety I began to be irritable for no reason my body ached and I couldn't handle alcohol or vaping anymore. I began to throw up and became so exhausted all the time. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings when I felt overwhelmed I didn't mean to snap at you because I was irritable I didn't know why I was starting to change.💔

I was pregnant😳

Holy shit I was pregnant. Everything made sense🤣. You were over the hills excited and I was scared as hell🙃. Was I ready to be a mom?! Am I even capable of such a thing? I've always wanted children but sheesh I thought I would be married and have my own house first😅. You immediately went into dad mode you decided you wanted to be medicated so that you could hone your symptoms better and be a good father. You reorganized the entire house and began to dote on me. And by God did you do your best to handle my mood swings 🫠🥹. It wasn't easy as the months went by, we fought, we cried, and we went to bed upset. But we always came back together and learned and we're better for it each time. I will always be incredibly thankful for your family’s support especially your mother she is such an inspiration and always helped me through my feelings. They were just so happy the eldest had finally found “the one” and did whatever they could to help us. And I was grateful that my family was also accepting of you and happy for me.

I began to struggle with anxiety and depression and I got stuck for a while. You felt so hopeless and it put a strain on our relationship. Then you were told some bad news about your health during your checkup and were told you would need to give up smoking and drinking if you wanted a long life. It was hard on both of us but you tried your hardest to get sober and I was so proud of you.

The day came when we found out we were having a baby girl 🥹 and it was like something in me changed. It honestly felt like my mind had finally found its way back to my body. My anxiety started to simmer down and my depression was going away. I was having a daughter 🥺 and I want her to have the best life she can have full of love. I want to give her all the love and care I was never able to have all the opportunities I was robbed of free to be whoever she wants. And to do that I needed to get my shit together.
Seeing me change sparked a new sense of hope in you. Getting sober was so hard on you and your symptoms. Somedays you were relaxed other days you felt madder than the mad hatter it was draining you but at least I was getting better and was able to be there for you🤍

You have been so misunderstood since coming home from your ten-year service. Seen as a loose cannon a ticking time bomb with no one to turn to no one who knew the hell you've seen. You have a heart of gold you care so deeply and you want so badly to save the world to save those less fortunate than us from the horrors of war and evil. You've seen so much evil and it's left its mark on you. My heart breaks during the far and in-between times you've told me about the deaths you've witnessed. I can see the gentle scared little boy in your eyes fighting everyday to be the man he needs to be for me and our daughter. And I'm so proud of you. And I will do everything in my power to help you succeed and advocate for you. You've done nothing but take care of my heart and give me time to trust and heal and fall deeper in love with you and im so glad you are in my life.

I am thankful for the life I've had tho sometimes it felt like hell. For now, I see that I was being formed so I could be the best version of me for you and you for me and for our little Raven🥺

Right now you are in a veterans program so you can really get sober and become stable so you can be a good father before the baby comes. And I'm so proud of you. I am so happy after the heartbreaks, pain, loneliness, death, and what felt like an eternity of sorrow God led us together. You tell me all the time I saved you but my love you saved me and I can't wait for you to be home I cant wait to be your wife and I can't wait for our baby girl to get here.
God is so good all the time and I'm thankful I didn't give up before receiving this amazing blessing in His great timing🤍😭✨

Thank you for taking the time to read my series of stories and watch me grow in my journey and the journey still to come.
I can truly say even when you think it's only a matter of time before you give up
It truly does get better💕

Keep on keeping on and keep your head up and heart guarded remain kind to yourself and be mindful of your thoughts. Don't spend so much time looking down that your chances of a good life pass you. And maybe stop trying so hard to find love and give more love to yourself and perhaps like me it'll find you when you least expect it✨

Important info: we are in a Long Distance Relationship, she has BPD, I have CPTSD. We video chat daily, on a normal day we love the company of the other because of how safe, happy and relaxed we make each other feel.

I’m lucky. Yesterday I had the courage to ask my girlfriend if she could explain her BPD to me. I knew basics like splitting and b&w view, and clinical stuff about it (cause I study psychology), but I never knew the personal perspective.

She told me how she currently feels numb when she wakes up. She feels on edge, easy to annoy. Then she told me that when she is on the other side, she is generally happy when she wakes up.

She told me how she currently feels like her friends are only there to pick away at her until they find something to use against her.
And this is where I consider myself to be lucky. She no longer sees me as a threat or like I am against her. She did in the first few months of us dating, but she said that something changed and she no longer sees me with anything but love and adoration. She says I make her feel safe and loved.

The only part of our relationship that this side sees as bad is when she cannot clearly see my emotions. She sees my blank face as annoyance ot anger. So I decided to try and make it easier and actively show my emotions more, make them clear, which should be easy cause I actually am terrible at hiding them normally.

We also made a plan that when she wakes up she tells me a) how she feels and b) what she needs from me because of it. Like if she feels like she currently has been and needs me to show my emotions more or what ever else may help her get through the day.

This conversation started cause I forget to mention why I left the computer for a pee break. I am currently having a hard time due to the distance and her splitting. She cannot show affection as much because even though she KNOWS she means it, that voice in her head says that it’s forced. So when I left to pee and left a bit later again to cry and compose myself, she hung up the call in what she said was a “childish action; how will she like it if I just leave” kinda of thinking.

But we talked it all out and now we have a better understanding of the situation as a couple. She is going to try and be more open about it, treat me like an unofficial psychologist until she has the courage to get one (because she always feels like they are trying to make her look crazy). Plus my psychologist is more than happy to give her advice because if my girl isn’t happy/suffering it effects me negatively.

I wish I could be there in person to help her more, give her the physical comfort she needs. Stupid COVID and lack of money really.

She is stuck with me and I am stuck with her. Which is great cause both our disorders gave us abandonment issues. And we are in a healthy relationship for the most part, the conflicts we have are generally only due to lack of communication or the occasional mental health mishap.

I'm a 28 year old resident doctor, diagnosed 3 years ago with Type 2 diabetes. All was well until last year when I became Metformin intollerant and got put on Levemir. My blood sugar became hard to control in spite of diet and exercise. I was constantly fatigued, had headaches, nausea, dizziness, heart palpitations, barely ate anything and nobody knew what was wrong. It turned out to be my gall bladder, which got removed by the end of last year. Things were good for a couple of months, until the palpitations returned, and they got diagnosed as harmless, because the doctor didn't believe they can flare up for a few days and I get dizzy and fatigued when they do. I also have acid reflux in spite of treatment, IBS, and last month discovered that my kidneys are in distress and they might need surgery.
I feel like my body is breaking down and I'm just powerless. Everytime I feel things might get better, something else starts hurting or failing or breaking and I just want a break.
I have a very supportive husband who helps me in my down moments, but not even he can understand my struggle and I don't have people my age around me who get what I'm going through.
At the hospital we have to do 12 hours shifts and they are extremely taxing on my already low energy levels. I don't want to have to give up my career, I worked hard to get here and nothing gives me more joy and makes me more proud of myself than being a doctor. I'm always afraid my colleagues are going to think I'm weak or a burden or I just like to complain. I'm scared my health might get in the way of providing good healthcare for my patients. I'm terrified at the thought of giving medicine up because my body can't handle it.
I put all my energy into work and my personal life suffers. I can't do chores, my husband does most of them, I don't have the energy to go out and have fun and do the things I enjoy like running, trekking, dancing.
I feel like a shadow of what I used to be and I'm scared It's only getting worse. I've never needed a support group of people who can understand the struggle like I do now.

#LongPost

I’ve tried so hard to explain to others about mental health issues. tried to make them understand or at least be mindful to what someone might be going through. using examples without actually telling them about myself. that didn’t work, so I finally told them about my struggles (not everything, but some) to see if that would make them a little more cautious of their words/opinions knowing someone close to them is fighting a battle. that didn’t work either. I’ve run out of ideas and energy, I now sit in silence trying to ignore and not engage in what their conversations. but sitting there and listening to all the negativity just gets me so angry, when you’re at work it’s hard to just get up and walk away. it’s in every room, bath room, office, floor. I try so hard to push it out of my mind but it just festers inside me until I get home and vent to my boyfriend.

like why do people have to judge others? why do you have to be so set on your views and not even budge or listen to someone else. I’m not asking them to change their minds, but try to be considerate and understanding towards others. people don’t bring it upon themselves, they do not choose to battle their minds every second of every day. your struggles are not any worse or better than mine, nor mine to yours. it’s not a competition on who’s anxiety or depression is worse. who are you to judge how people deal with their issues? who are you to deminish a persons feelings and make it about your feelings? who are you to tell me I’m putting “poison (pills)” in my body and I should stop before it’s too late, when that “poison” is actually balancing the chemicals in my brain so I don’t hurt myself or feel like complete shit everyday and can actually live. don’t tell me you suffer from anxiety too when you spew all these negative thoughts and words when someone reaches out to you about their mental health. how dare you say you hate when people use mental health as an excuse, when in reality ta not an excuse they’re just trying to make you understand how they’re feeling. in my opinion, someone who truely struggles with mental health would never try to one up others and put them down about their mental health. it is so true when we say “know one really knows what you’re going through until they go through it themselves.” I feel if they truely were struggling with some sort of mental health issue, they wouldn’t be so nasty, opinionated and close minded towards others and the topic.

#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #Bekind #rant #CheckInWithMe #LongPost #ChronicPain #Pillshaming