Forty-Two Days of Grief
I'm new here!
Hi, my name is akaTeri. I’m new to The Mighty and look forward to sharing my story:::
My mom was happy and beautiful and fun during the day, but at night she became a different person. She was so unhappy, resentful and angry (no booze or drugs involved)!!!! All four of us tiny kids huddled together and were very scared. Frightened!! My father who was an introvert, just would say, "Oh shut up." And he would read the paper or watch tv. This went on for 15 years. My father died of leukemia when I was 15, and so I became the CareProvider. In fact, I had always been the one who noticed that if I kept the house in order and very very "kind" to my mother, she wouldn't turn into another person at night (sometimes)--So Therefore, yes, I am the one who "fawned" my way through life. A horrible habit I have discovered. And all three of my sibs are messed up, too. You see, my mom never apologized for any of it. Her tirades always lasted two hours. In fact, as we got older, we would nod and say, "Here goes! Two hours down the drain." The worst part is that she never "owned it. Never apologized --ever. So you see, there wasn't any assurance of safety from our own mother. We somehow figured it out on our own. Trust issues for me? YES! Self loathing? YES. Because mom never reassured us of any sort of safety, sanity and love after dinner. It was almost like she kept reminding us we were a burden in her life. And all of our school friends thought she was the coolest mom in town. I do remember one time, she said to us that —IF we we told Anybody (about her) we would be punished..."it would be a mortal sin!!!!!"So yes, we hid the truth, we were scared to death of her and God. We were manipulated. "Please help us! Please help us!" I would cry in my nighttime dreams! That is why I latched on to this website, because someone else cared about me and pushed me in your direction. ----->I am learning that TRUTH or TRUTHS will expose light and healing on funky wounds from childhood trauma. Thank goodness, because I am almost 68. My mother has since died, and at first, I didn't want to tell anyone about her for fear she would come back and curse me! Haunt me! —--But my counselor said, "Oh no, your mother wants you to be whole. She wants you to be finally free of that darkness." I said, "OKAY." And I have been lighter and much more honest with myself than ever before. Self care? I am ready for it. x-x-x-x-x Bring it on! —------I would love to help others too---but of course, that is my CAREGIVING personality coming out right away :)) My good friend who has guided me, says I am an Empath, too. I had to look it up and when I did, I cried.
Very hard decision