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Managing schizoaffective and DID symptoms with no meds. and not much peer support. Lonely. Ranting a bit. Kinda cringey. Just my thoughts.
Things are pretty bad. They always are. But this month especially. Anniversary of an attempt is coming up. Just reminds me that I failed. And I wish it would have worked. February has always been my ideal suicide month. I’m tired of the psychosis. And not having my own identity. I don’t know who I am. There’s just so much confusion in my mind. My brain feels so broken. I usually say it feels like scrambled eggs. But lately it’s just felt hazy and broken. I wish I didn’t have to go through this alone. There’s just no one who can support me in the way I desire. I fantasize about having friends who act as caregivers that I could live with and get support from. Like a mental health roommate lol. It’s exhausting taking care of myself. More than anything I think I want physical contact. Someone to just lounge on the couch and watch a movie with me. Maybe get a little cuddled up like friends do at a sleepover or something. I just want to feel someone physically caring for me. I need that type of touch support. I’m all alone. And it hurts like a bitch. Everyday I just ache. I’m sure there’s people out there who if I got close with would care for me in that way. But I can’t just wait around to meet them. I can’t live with this pain that long. I just want to be held and comforted with zero judgement. I want to speak freely about my thoughts without getting hospitalized. But that will never happen. Just have to keep day dreaming about it until I die. #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #DID #Suicide #lonely #SuicidalThoughts #rant #Depression #MaladaptiveDaydreaming #Maladaptivecoping
