I swear there is something like 'too much therapy.' Where you over-analyze every thought and feeling. Being introspective can be great but wow do I need to figure out where to draw the line sometimes.
I haven't been in a relationship in years, I was actively drowning in my undiagnosed bipolar disorder and it showed in every part of my life. I have been getting to grips with the right mix of medication and therapy and I have been doing well for months now. The less focused I've been on my mental illness, the more I've realized how lonely and alone I have felt for a long time.
The question is, how do you even begin to go back to 'normal'? I don't know how to *be* around these situations. I manage to talk myself into and out of anything, depending on the day. I can be charming as all hell and the second someone is interested in me, I run away as fast as possible. The fact that I've gotten used to evaluating so much of my thoughts and emotions is not helping at all.
Vulnerability and a numbness to fear
Hello I wanted to share some realizations I have had recently about vulnerability.
Yesterday I felt vulnerable in a really specific way. Usually I feel invulnerable and I thought that this was normal. However, I think that it is actually a result of my upbringing and trauma. My parents always act invulnerable and hide their traumas constantly, and I think this rubbed off on me. What I thought was confidence is actually another layer of emotional armor and I am coming to terms with this.
I was thinking about how especially lonely I am these days and how strange it is that I often ignore it except on special occasion. It made me think that I am just built different, but I no longer believe this is the case. I now think that I have built up a form of denial around my loneliness to cope with it. I am actually very sad about my loneliness and just don't allow myself to recognize it. What I thought was me being tired of others is actually me being afraid of others. I have a distinct fear of other human beings these days and my mind plays a trick on me by making me think I prefer it.
When I realized that I was afraid of people, especially women I am attracted to, I felt this sudden rush of vulnerability overtake my mind and body. I grew sad, almost crying, and had to sit on a park bench and think. It was like a geyser burst inside of me, which was capped by this false sense of invulnerability. I hate being so alone and I hate being afraid of other people. I'm not socially anxious nor "tired" of others, I see them like predators due to my life history.
This was a sudden and powerful realization, and that sense of vulnerability washed over me like a flood. Instead of trying to get away from the feeling or deny it, I just sat and felt it. It didn't feel good, especially in public, but I believe that it was healthy for me to feel. After all, if I am now having flashbacks and intense traumatic stress how can I be invulnerable? It could only hurt me to act invulnerable when I'm not, like I have been experiencing lately.
This feeling of finally being vulnerable, even if just with myself, is bitter sweet. I would love to keep acting like these feelings aren't real, but I cant. This "invulnerability" is from earlier in my life when I had to survive trauma and a shitty situation. But now I have to be thriving and growing or else I will become inflexible and continue having sudden emotional issues that plague me for days or weeks.
It was a weird feeling to realize just how afraid of people I am. From the outside I probably seem confident and sure of myself, but inside I'm afraid of a lot of things. Even just a young woman seeming to take an interest in me is enough for my body to react in some level of fear. I don't perceive it as fear in the moment, it feels like I'm frozen, but that is probably how I feel fear nowadays. I lock up and it feels like this barrier appears between me and the other person. Maybe my mind and body have found a way to block out the stress reaction taking place, but I realized in this moment at the park that it was like prey locking up before a predator.
I suppose that my early life was filled with enough fear that I have this ability to feel it as something else. At some point your body just becomes numb to it, right? Well I think that is what has happened here. I have this kind of amazing ability to shrug off fear and only feel (false) invulnerability. I'm not really invulnerable, my body and mind just refuse to let me feel the depth of my vulnerability. And in doing this I become numb to reality, then suddenly in a moment end up crying on a park bench with only a box of donuts by my side.
Have a nice night.
What about you?
Be it my family or close friends I am always a burden. They understand it more once they see it from a documentary or a tv show that people are explaining what people are going through.
But whenever I try and talk about me it is useless.
And I do not hold it against them.
What we pass though is in our hearts like everyone says but we always hope our loved ones understand and if not they would have an open mind where we can help them to understand us.
Silently I cry, hoping that one day they will notice me the way the notice the kardashians.
I couldn’t think of a better title but “available” came in mind. I will explain why I chose this word. It was two days ago that I met a friend was helpful to me at a time I needed it. They even shared their experience and how they are trying to become a better version of themselves. Just having someone there and taking their time to help is never credited enough. Some people are rather ungrateful and others would appreciate it. Usually it’s hard to find someone available to message. It’s needs to have someone understanding and patient with you. It makes it feel like you are less alone. It’s understandable that we all have lives. It’s nice to check on someone even for a minute which wouldn’t hurt. You never know how much someone would need it. It’s also important to always put yourself that’s something I wasn’t doing before. I want to thank this specific person for being available for me. They didn’t have to but they did. I hope they are doing well and doing their best to get through the day. For anyone that is feeling lonely and just wants to vent about anything. Please don’t hesitate to message. Feel free and comfortable to share whatever is on your mind. Lastly,
Hope anyone viewing or have read to end is having a good day or will eventually get to sleep well soon. Everyday is always a new start to something…
Mind Explosion of Tonighy
I'm new here!
Hi, my name is JusJo. I'm here because
I have decided to enter the field of childhood trauma and drug recovery coaching. I have been through so much in life. As I am learning healing processes I am beginning to understand alot of things in my own behavior. It has been a lonely journey because I feel like nobody understands. That everything is chucked up to me having schizoaffective disorder. I have found at times it is virtually impossible to explain my feelings. I have a hard time woth emotional responses.
I do have compassion sympathy empathy possibly too much at times. I am also easily angered or frustrated or have these debates in my head of what is going on around me. I am medicated and can live a regular life as long as I take care of myself.
I hope that I finally found a place where my conditions are a common ground and I am so open to learning new things and hopefully I can offer the same.
Who could ever want me?
is anyone else in this place? In this state of mind?
I feel so alone. My eldest brother is married with three beautiful children, my sister is getting married this November, and my younger brother is in a committed relationship. But I'm..... I'm stuck at home. I started having trouble back in 2019, my long list of chronic illnesses finally coming to the surface. As the years have gone by, they've only gotten worse. I'm now in and out of a wheelchair, on weekly hydration infusions and might be getting on nutriention infusions as well, I can't work, can't go to school, can't even drive myself to errands many days, and have more doctors than I have friends.
I'm stuck at home, and my poor mother (who has her own problems) as well as the rest of my family now have to take care of me constantly. Ignoring the fact that I don't have many opportunities to meet people, who would ever want to marry me? Seriously, I'm not trying to be dramatic. Who would ever willingly choose to deal with all of this? All I've ever wanted was to be a stay at home wife and mother. I can't even take care of myself let alone a child. And getting pregnant? It's laughable.
None of my family believes that I won't get a husband and kids, but these are real concerns that they just don't want to think about. I don't see how I could force a man to be with me, and all my issues. I know it's about love, yes yes. But when I love someone, I wouldn't want to condemn them to this life. I already feel guilty with my family.
I suppose my question is, is it possible for someone in this world to choose me? To want me with all my difficulties?
My narcissistic ex has moved to another city. I avoided trying to make friends in the area because I was afraid she would be doing that too. We used to live within a 5 minute drive from each other. Not sure she was aware of that at the time. Anyway, I am still too shy to meet others within the LGBTQ etc community.
When your depression flares…
Having depression sucks! And what sucks worse is when you are doing all the things that you know to do to manage your depression, then life happens and wham! Depression knocks you on your a** again! I just feel like, “what is the point?” I have absolutely no energy for life. The mental, physical, emotional, & spiritual energy to exist is exhausting. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I am so lonely and feel so hopeless. What’s worse is I have to work extra shifts to afford to go back to therapy again. #depressionsucks