Mania

When I am manic, I feel awesome. I think that I am a God. I also believe that I am beautiful. This sort of confidence can be a really attractive thing to people, especially the opposite sex in its early stages. Another symptom of mania is being overly seductive. I have been guilty of this but never have I been promiscuous while ill. But my seduction often turns into crazed harassment of the men I have targeted as my love interests. I’m including a selfie with this story that I took when I was high. And by high, I mean my mood was not only elevated by mania but I was also very much in love. With a cop. He nearly got a restraining order on me. I’ve always been passive-aggressive and with that confidence I spoke of comes the urgency to get what I want. As embarrassing as it is, I totally went for it but scared the guy off. My apologies, Eddie. And to all of my other potential boyfriends out there who experienced me at my worst.

Physically, my face while ill is beautiful in the sense that it’s animated and expressive. Especially with my smiles and my wide eyed enthusiasm. Those eyes of mine also have a far off look in them. I’m in my own little fantasy world. I’m wild and so is the look on my face. These days I don’t yearn for those incredible feelings that come with mania. Manic episodes never end well. My greatest fear is relapsing. Now I find myself having different goals for my face. To be a face for mental illness. A spokesperson of sorts or just an advocate. This is something that I have been working towards for as long as I have lived with bipolar disorder which is nearly 30 years. If I can do anything good with my life, it would be to encourage conversations to be opened up surrounding mental illness. I’d like to help remove the stigma that surrounds it. Mental illness is a very scary thing for everyone who has experienced it either personally or have been affected by those who live with it. It doesn’t have to be. I wish that I could bottle the bravery that comes with bipolar mania and share it with the world. If mania was an essential oil, courage would be the active ingredient. But I would have to leave out the part that gives me the audacity to stalk a police officer, lol. Maybe something really positive can come out of having a mental illness and for once in my life I won’t see mania as something that has ruined my life. But something that has enhanced it.

One of the things so bad about bipolar disorder is that if you don't have prior awareness, you don't have any idea what hit you. It is like sometimes I just need to be alone, so I can cry without being judged, so I can think without being interrupted, so I don't bring anyone else down with me.

Sometimes it takes an overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough. Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.

Mania starts off fun, not sleeping for days, keeping company with your brain, which has become a wonderful computer, showing 20,000 different TV channels all about you. That goes horribly wrong after a while. I yearned to get better. I told myself I was getting better. In fact, the depression was still there, like a powerful undertow. Sometimes it grabbed me, yanked me under; other times, I swam free. The mania is like wasps under the skin, like my head's going to explode with ideas.

Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks.

The mania is like wasps under the skin, like my head's going to explode with ideas.

It's having the motivation to change the world one moment, then not having the motivation to wash yourself the next.

I'm fine, but I'm bipolar. I'm on three medications for my bipolar (Olanzapine, Fluoxetine and Lithium) and then three other medications for bipolar related problems (Ramipril for blood pressure, Famotidine and Omeprazole for my stomach) and I take these medications twice a day (7am and 7pm). This constantly puts me in touch with the illness I have. I'm never quite allowed to be free of that for a day. It's like being a diabetic.

I'm good for a while. I'll talk more, laugh more, sleep and eat normally. But then something happens like a switch turns off somewhere, and all I'm left with is the darkness of my mind.

No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress You are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying.
#MentalHealth #MentalIllness #MightyTogether

People say: ‘You don't seem like you need bipolar meds! ‘
Ooh really... That IS the meds

One of the things so bad about bipolar disorder is that if you don't have prior awareness, you don't have any idea what hit you.

And sometimes I just need to be alone, so I can cry without being judged, so I can think without being interrupted, so I don't bring anyone else down with me.

Mania starts off fun -not sleeping for days, keeping company with your brain, which has become a wonderful computer, showing 24 TV channels all about you. That goes horribly wrong after a while.
#MentalHealth #MightyTogether

It isn't until we stop that we realise the damage that we have done to ourselves, through our unconscious activities. Stillness allows us to assess and become aware of this. Action stems from a sense of readiness (optimum state at that particular time) as a suboptimal one leads to stopping ourselves in order to repair damage accrued through our daily lives. It is our trip to the garage, the hospital, nighttime sleep or daytime rest. It is the depression that follows mania, the collapse that follows the effort to build something. It is the aging process that follows growth and youthful exuberance, the inevitable death the follows life and the rebirth of energy that exhaustion

Firstly, if you have read this before then I apologise for the repeated post. Secondly, this post is a very graphic and honest depiction of what Bipolar Disorder is to me. I guess some of you might relate where others don’t but as a collective I think that we all share some common ground about how much we are impacted by this situation.

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this post and feel free to comment below if you feel comfortable to do so. Love and best wishes, Stuart 🤗

So, if you are reading this and you suffer from Bipolar Disorder you may be able to understand. Please don’t think I’m being condescending but if you don’t then you’ll possibly have to take 5 minutes to get your head around it. However, I’m just going to write about what it is like for me, and this will be different for everyone but it’s still relatable.

I take three different medications each day. An antidepressant, an antipsychotic and a mood stabiliser. Fluoxetine (Prozac) is my antidepressant, Olazapine is my antipsychotic, these two work well together, and then I have Lithium to stabilise my mood. So the Chemistry behind this is that I take one to stop me dropping into the deep depression and one to stop me going to the highest echelons of mania and then one of them secures my mood In the spectrum of 4-7 or so of my mood. To explain what it is I mean, Bipolar has a scale. Imagine 0-10 with 0 being the deepest depression and 10 being the highest high. These extremes are uncomfortable, uncontrollable and impossible to find anyway to live productively with. The medication enables me to get mood-shifts that don’t dip below a 4 or go higher than a 7. Don’t get me wrong, the mood shifts are still different than the norm and they have an impact on the way that you can live. However though, the mood shifts are really difficult to manage.

I have questions. A multitude of questions in fact. I have had a period of self harm (be aware that there’s a picture of my scars below this paragraph). I’m a Catholic, I told my Health Professionals that I understood from a community for Mental Health called the Mighty, that self harm could be attributed to the fact that the Devil gets into you via your weakest side. I’m right handed, yet I cut my right forearm with my left hand. Please let me know what you think?

I don’t have any routine. I get some semblance of one for about a week or less then I’m back to square one again. Firstly, sleep. I have a great deal of trouble getting off to sleep. I take Olazapine at night so you would think it would help. Also I’m coming off Lorazepam slowly as I’ve got a dependence but I’m thinking that it isn’t working as normal due to me being on it for three years on and off. I have stages though. Thursday just gone for example I felt really tired all day. I was up at 7am and went to the shop to get my parents their newspapers and bits they needed from the supermarket. I got back and went back to bed to watch TV, and I woke up at 7am this morning. That’s nearly 48 hours or so of sleep. I’m going to be honest, I felt horrendous when I woke up today.

The above picture may seem lighthearted to some but it’s not at all. I’m well aware that you have to adapt your demeanour to suit certain situational and then interacting with people. But also, you are managing the different personalities of yourself that you have when you’re in your own company.
Sometimes I find myself having a full blown conversation with myself that is one version of myself talking to another version of myself. “Please don’t do that again, I have to sort it out!?!”. It’d be nice to have an understanding about the situation from people that being in a situation where you have a conversation with yourself isn’t the crazy person’s action or something like that that is classed as weird, but it’s just something that makes me who I am.
Furthermore, I have multiple conversations with myself in my own head that happen every time I’m in the company of others but I don’t share these. I’m just hoping that you realise how it is the same as you do, it’s my imagination that’s just a little bit more prominent in my head than yours.

I’ve had people brand me as a nutter, weird, fucked in the head, not right etc etc and the best one – “it’s because of the Cocaine”

I’m the first to admit I absolutely love Cocaine. I have used it chronically from about the age of 20 until I my late 30s. I never had a feeling of being myself or completely comfortable from anything else. I have social anxiety too, I didn’t know this at Uni but when I was there I needed a pint of beer to relax. One to two to three to four then that wasn’t working for me. However, university is awash with anything you want. I tried Weed, Speed, Ecstasy and Cocaine. Cocaine worked for me. I worked out in my own experiment what it’s critical point was (the amount that it’s the most potent before becoming abused). It levels me out. Look it up, it’s an SNDRI, type that into Google and see on Wikipedia the chemistry of what it does.

Regards my medication. I have to take them every day. Does this make me an addict?
You fall and break your arm and the doctor puts it in a cast to make it as close to what it was as you can do. I go to the doctor and I’m given pills that make me into someone who looks like me, but in reality, it’s not me.
#MentalHealth #MightyTogether #MoodDisorders

Reading the posts here on The Mighty, I notice that many of us dislike being dependent on psychiatric medication. The response from others is often equating it with medicine for physical issues. For example, people point out that there’s no difference between taking psych meds and, say, being medicated with insulin for diabetes. This is definitely a strong point, and there’s a lot of truth to it. But it doesn’t quite capture the complexity of reactions when the medication treats mental illness. With psych meds, there’s a fear of losing the “self.” Who am I without my mania? Sure, I do dumb and even dangerous things, but it’s also what makes me unique, right? I get deeply depressed, but that means I’m more in touch with the reality that the world is a terrible place- isn’t that the truth? I get so anxious I’m paralyzed, but I’m avoiding real danger. Isn’t that how we sometimes think? I did not have the right combination of meds until a few years ago. Contrary to the
thoughts I just expressed, I actually feel more “me” than ever. I am still creative, concerned, and cautious. I’ve learned so much from the confusion, torment and darkness of my mental illness, as well as the wild and fun side. The best way I can explain it is that I feel a huge sense of harmony and belonging I never had, and my personality has actually blossomed without the layers of suffering and losing control. However, it’s important to acknowledge that some meds cause unwanted side effects, and that it can be a long, frustrating process to find the right solution. Having to depend on medication is difficult because no one wants pills to control their lives. But I am so, so grateful for meds, and ok with taking them forever. You don’t have to worry about losing your “self.” It’s there, waiting for you to enjoy and celebrate it.

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD #OCD #PTSD