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#WritingThroughIt

I took my daughter to the park today. This is not an uncommon occurrence; we like to go two or three times a week when we can, and there’s not a pandemic keeping them closed. My little one, currently a terrific two-year-old, is fearless and completely undaunted by the unknown (a trait I wish I shared at times). And she likes to play on the 5-12 playground, of course.

My mom instincts want to herd her away to the little, more safe playground. It’s easier, smaller, more familiar. But my daughter, with a glint is determination, rushes straight over to the big playground and starts to climb. Anxiety claws through me; am I a good parent for letting her do this? It seems like it’s unsafe...I don’t want her to fall. I hover protectively for a while, watching her every move.

Until she gets to the bridge. It’s a swaying plank bridge with big gaps between the slats. And I see the fear in her eyes. I can’t save her; she’s going to have to cross it or find another way to get down. And she wants to cross it. Still timid and fearful at first, she starts to cross, testing the swaying bridge with her little foot. She starts to put her weight into it, still nervous but growing more confident. She grabs for my hand through the bars to steady her; she knows I’m near but she wants to do this. And step by step, with a boldness that surprises me, my little two-year-old crosses this bridge. I saw the biggest grin break across her face, and she exclaimed, “I DID IT!” and jumped up and down.

I realized a few things in this moment, as a parent, as a daughter of Christ, as someone who struggles with mental health.

As a parent, I learned that even though my child is only two, she is bold, ambitious, strong, determined, and more beautiful than I ever realized— and I want her to always know that. I want to support her as she dreams big, beautiful, impossible dreams like my parents did for me.

I’ve also learned (or, I’ve been learning for a while now) that sometimes you have to do it afraid. Even when you’re crossing a bridge you don’t know if you’re even capable of crossing— that others have told you specifically NOT to cross, sometimes you just have to swallow your fear and hold on to faith in that moment. One step at a time. I get so tired of letting anxiety rule my thoughts and keep me from the joy of the present, and the future. All it takes is one step at a time.

I want to be bold like my daughter, childlike wonder in my eyes, joyful expectation that there is goodness on the other side of the bridge. Even if I have to inch my way across, I want to cross the bridges the Lord lays before me, holding fast to His hand all the while.

Blogging at heardbelievedloved.com

#Anxiety #writingtoheal #Depression #Parenting #Faith #faithandhope #Christian #Christianity #MommyBloggers #faithoverfear

He posts stuff on snapchat about not wanting to live and he talks to adults (workers at b&g club, other kids parents, my friends) and every once in a blue moon he will tell me... apart of me feels like he does this for attention and to things he wants. For example: caught him with Marijuana and grounded him from everything and that included his phone... well then he started on this "how is he supposed to talk to his friends when he is sad and suicidal?" I told him there is a home phone he can use for 15 minutes a day and that he can always talk to me. Wasn't good enough so he snuck in a friend he got from a friend, called the girl that works at the boys and girls club and told her he didn't want to live anymore and they waited till the next day to call me and told me if I didn't have him evaluated that Dcf would be involved. I spent 10 hours in er waiting for them to be able to take him to a mental health hospital...which was a vacation for him. They sent him home with no diagnosis, no medication, and he said he didn't learn anything... so here i have my son who is supposed to be grounded for weed, should be added time for not following rules, and he completely had me feeling like a piece of shit mom for not knowing that he was talking to this person about being suicidal. .but I am hearing people say that they were proud of him for reaching out, that they feel sorry for him, boys and girls club paid his membership fees for 6 months... I take what he says very seriously as I to feel suicidal sometimes and I know how scary it can be sometimes to have those feelings but I also don't want him calling out for help so much just for attention that everyone gets tired of hearing it and maybe not there when he really needs it. And also I want him to deal with consequences when he does wrong and not turn it into some crazy poor me scene. Parenting teenagers is hard! #MommyBloggers #SuicidePrevention #Parenting #singleparenting

He posts stuff on snapchat about not wanting to live and he talks to adults (workers at b&g club, other kids parents, my friends) and every once in a blue moon he will tell me... apart of me feels like he does this for attention and to things he wants. For example: caught him with Marijuana and grounded him from everything and that included his phone... well then he started on this "how is he supposed to talk to his friends when he is sad and suicidal?" I told him there is a home phone he can use for 15 minutes a day and that he can always talk to me. Wasn't good enough so he snuck in a friend he got from a friend, called the girl that works at the boys and girls club and told her he didn't want to live anymore and they waited till the next day to call me and told me if I didn't have him evaluated that Dcf would be involved. I spent 10 hours in er waiting for them to be able to take him to a mental health hospital...which was a vacation for him. They sent him home with no diagnosis, no medication, and he said he didn't learn anything... so here i have my son who is supposed to be grounded for weed, should be added time for not following rules, and he completely had me feeling like a piece of shit mom for not knowing that he was talking to this person about being suicidal. .but I am hearing people say that they were proud of him for reaching out, that they feel sorry for him, boys and girls club paid his membership fees for 6 months... I take what he says very seriously as I to feel suicidal sometimes and I know how scary it can be sometimes to have those feelings but I also don't want him calling out for help so much just for attention that everyone gets tired of hearing it and maybe not there when he really needs it. And also I want him to deal with consequences when he does wrong and not turn it into some crazy poor me scene. Parenting teenagers is hard! #MommyBloggers #SuicidePrevention #Parenting #singleparenting