Writing Through It

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Writing Through It
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    I need help- ten hours later

    I tried posting last night
    I am still having a hard time understanding what happened but I am not doing well. I don’t feel real. There has been so much that has happened the last couple of years that people truly don’t believe me when I try to get help. I have had to refer them to my therapist to give them the “she isn’t making this up” affirmation in order to establish the belief in my story.
    She can’t be my therapist anymore. She switched jobs recently and she doesn’t take the insurance I just switched to so I could finally get my migraine medication covered after over a year of not having it
    It’s been years. No one has believed me.
    Now people see all of the problems and obstacles and deny me help and blame it on me. I just started feeling safe advocating for myself again but I keep experiencing more trauma.
    It hasn’t stopped
    It sounds like an exaggeration. It’s not.
    I don’t want to be told I will find someone else who believes me. I know that is the case. But what am I going to have to go through to get that person? My rights have already been very boldly disregarded by another agency and I am currently trying to get help/awareness for that. I already have tried to ask for help/access services for seven years. It has caused me unbelievable trauma to just try to access help. I haven’t been able to make progress because I have spent years trying to get people to just let me talk without interrupting me to redefine my reality. Or to tell me how to solve a problem they haven’t fully heard.
    I have never felt so incredibly alone. I have never truly been this alone
    It doesn’t feel like it can be real
    #WritingThroughIt #CheckInWithMe #ADHD #ChronicMigraines #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #Anxiety

    49 reactions 11 comments

    Client rights and self advocacy

    Hi friends
    Things have been weird. I’m getting a little more support outside of the help I gratefully receive here. But I’m feeling really detached and alone.

    I’m still finding it hard to be believed. It’s getting a little easier but it’s tiny steps and when something like this happens, I feel discouraged.

    I had one of the worst attempts at advocating for myself because the person just constantly told me I was wrong about what I said I was experiencing. She did not let me complete my sentences. The condensation was so clear in her voice. She could hear how much I was struggling to talk and think. I had to stop her and say “ you hear how upset I’m getting, why are you continuing to argue with me?” I had to point out so many obvious things like “as the client advocate of this agency, you are not listening to what I’m saying.” Or “you continue to interrupt me and ask me questions which is why you are not understanding. Let me finish.” (She couldn’t understand why I was bring up something from five years ago… ummmmm if you let me finish you would hear because it’s still not resolved. So trust me- I know it was a long time ago.)
    She even found a way to tell me it was my fault that the agency hasn’t been helping me because i only just recently I told the case manager that I’m trying to figure this out. That was last week. I’ve been without services for over a year. Before that, I was getting not even the minimum of what is on my plan. So me saying something this one time doesn’t let them “off the hook.”
    She repeatedly said “I just can’t keep this straight.” with the implication it was my fault. I said “as I said before I have ptsd and struggle to communicate, remember, and think clearly.” When I would tell her about things she said “I find that hard to believe,” and “I’ve never heard of that.”
    She cut me off at one point and said “are we talking about housing or medicine because you keep switching back and forth” yes- when one doesn’t have access to their basic needs for years, that happens. And since both are equally important for survival it’s hard to not intertwine them. I wish I would have said “I am talking about my basic needs.” Period.
    Also- she kept switching back and forth and so I said it back to her.
    I’m dissociating more. My flashbacks have been intense. I was having them over the phone while talk to her. I said “I am having flashbacks I am trying to remember.” And she didn’t even acknowledge it or alter her approach. It was like I never said it.

    There is so so so much left. It’s weighing so heavy. I have a plan moving forward to… well I guess just get louder. It’s concerning that these individuals are the client advocates for my state’s department of mental health services.

    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #ChronicMigraines #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #WritingThroughIt #CheckInWithMe #DisabilityAdvocacy #DisabilityRights

    21 reactions 9 comments
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    I’m baaack!

    I had a myriad of articles published from 2018-2020, and I’m back at it hoping to reduce mental health stigma! #MentalHealthAwareness #WritingThroughIt #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #EndTheStigma

    15 reactions 5 comments
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    Picture description: "Don't write it right, just write it- and then make it right later." ~Stephen King~ #Writing #WritingTips #WritingThroughIt

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    Cross Road Blues

    Considered by many to the first ever rock star, allow me to describe some of my healthcare(less) journey, by borrowing a few words from master blues artist Robert Johnston: “I went to the crossroad, Fell down on my knees / Standin’ at the crossroads, tried to flag a ride / Didn’t nobody seem to know, everybody pass me by / Standin’ at the crossroad, rising’ sun goin’ down / I got the crossroad blues this mornin’, Lord / I am sinking’ down.”

    After finally getting the results of the much anticipated private test I did, yesterday, it showed multiple issues, many of which were no surprise at all… but highlighted some issues, of which I had no awareness at all. Made worse by the fact that I do not possess the skills for an in depth understanding of the intricacies of hormone and neurotransmitter cascades, enzyme carboxylation and so on. Yet it is apparent this is where at least one major issue rests for me, and it seems from the literature I’ve read thus far, that serotonin syndrome is so little understood, just finding someone who is familiar with it, may be another mountain to summit, just to reach the starting line.

    The private endocrinologist I consulted with over 3 months ago, has still not come back to me with the results of the blood tests he ordered, yet the hospital has sent me the bill for said tests. It’s clearly a dead end in terms of the support and interest he has in my case, yet my GP won’t do much of anything until I get his feedback which leaves me in the proverbial catch 22.

    I’m sick, I’m always tired, and have been forced to treat myself for going on 5 months now, which the medical establishment has already weaponised against me by declaring my interest in my own health to be clear evidence that I am a hypochondriac seeking attention—to the point of manifesting test results showing conditions I could not have willed my body to produce, even if I wanted it to. And truth be told, I think if I could think my way into an illness, I probably would have focussed on something that would be easily treatable and fit neatly into their “I have hammer, therefore everything is a nail” mentality.

    To my further detriment I did not opt to attend medical school armed with the prescience of mind to foretell that I would need this knowledge later, and there’s also the cold harsh truth that if I had boatloads of cash and a posh upper crust accent, doors I don’t even know exist would probably be being flung wide open for me because power respects power.

    This in my opinion, is the cruel side of healthcare being both political and transactional: when you are considered wealthy, you get all manner of perks and doors opened to you—often for free. Yet when your means are limited and your need for this kind of assistance is greater; is when when this support would be most beneficial.

    Tomorrow is another chance at this thing called life, but for today I’m feeling the Cross Road Blues because like Robert Jonhston; I feel like nobody seems to see me, everyone is passing me by… and the weight of it all has got me sinking down.

    #WritingThroughIt #Thoughts #FunctioningDepression #Insomnia #MyCondition #ChronicFatigueSymdrome #Fibromyalgia #FibroFog #BrainFog #HealthCare

    6 reactions

    Does anyone do things they normally wouldn’t?

    When you’re experiencing mania, do you do things you normally wouldn’t? Like I tend to get hyper focused on stuff and block things out without knowing it. I’ll feel the need to go out though I’m experiencing anxiety at the same time. Don’t know if I should be worried or not and just go with it. There’s so much I wanna do. #BipolarDisorder #Mania #Manic #WritingThroughIt #checkin #help #Anxiety

    10 reactions 2 comments

    I think that learning to be a better communicator, isn't about learning how to be more concise as I've been taught. I grew up learning things like: "Got milk?" These ads expected you to infer that milk amounted to strong bones and therefore athletic talent by using vague imagery of athletes wearing the mark of a milk-stache proudly. Instead of, "here are the health benefits of milk." Either way, I'm lactose intolerant. I'm also sports intolerant and I'm intolerant of being concise. I've always been too wordy. It boils down to my fear of being misunderstood, but it comes out as long, drawn-out sentences, and reiterating points.

    All throughout my training in advertising and marketing, both in classes and the real world after graduation, I've been haunted by learning to be more concise. Do I know how to do it? Yes, and it leaves me with the same feeling as I have after eating a piece of cheese.

    “Don't write so that you can be understood, write so that you can't be misunderstood.” - William Howard Taft, 27th president of the United States

    #Writing #WritingThroughIt #sillyrant #rant #wordy #Advertising #marketing

    Side notes: I wrote this mostly comically. I think concise has it's place and uses, but some information does get lost in translation this way. Not having all of the information can lead to misunderstandings that sometimes have very large consequences.

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    Is this poetry?

    I'm afraid of everything,

    all the time.

    I'm afraid of everyone,

    including me.

    I'm even afraid to think.

    #GAD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde #Anxiety #anxiousthoughts #Poetry #Writing #WritingThroughIt #Books

    Picture of me at the park with a book that inspired me to write more creatively.

    17 reactions 5 comments
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    Conspiracies Of Silence

    Putting this out there for whoever needs to hear it. I am on the journey to forgiving myself. It’s hard and it’s lonely, but the silence became so deafening that in the end I had to scream and name some of the elephants in the room. Sometimes it felt like there were so many, it was suffocating the life out of me. And I learned that distance does not alter this feeling. Only the truth could free me but in saying the words, I lit my life on fire.

    Would I change it? Yes, if it would change them—but it won’t so here I am; choosing happy instead of normal 🤍

    #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD #GriefQuotes #Forgiveness #MightyBookClub #Loneliness #WritingThroughIt #selforphaned #Happiness #HappinessCanBeFoundEvenInTheDarkestOfTimesIfOnlyOneRemembersToTurnOnTheLight

    9 reactions 2 comments
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    You are my sunshine adaptation

    I love to write and I love to adapt songs and poetry. It's something I do for fun and it helps keep me grounded.

    Written for my partner this morning:

    You are my sunshine,
    my only sunshine
    These days may be harder,
    while skies are grey
    But, don't you fret dear,
    it's warmer when you're near,
    and, together we will always find our way

    #Writing #WritingThroughIt #whilewalking #Dating #Anxiety #Depression #searching #Journaling #Walking

    Photo from one of my walks

    1 reaction 3 comments