Writing Through It

Hi-
I tried posting last night
I am still having a hard time understanding what happened but I am not doing well. I don’t feel real. There has been so much that has happened the last couple of years that people truly don’t believe me when I try to get help. I have had to refer them to my therapist to give them the “she isn’t making this up” affirmation in order to establish the belief in my story.
She can’t be my therapist anymore. She switched jobs recently and she doesn’t take the insurance I just switched to so I could finally get my migraine medication covered after over a year of not having it
It’s been years. No one has believed me.
Now people see all of the problems and obstacles and deny me help and blame it on me. I just started feeling safe advocating for myself again but I keep experiencing more trauma.
It hasn’t stopped
It sounds like an exaggeration. It’s not.
I don’t want to be told I will find someone else who believes me. I know that is the case. But what am I going to have to go through to get that person? My rights have already been very boldly disregarded by another agency and I am currently trying to get help/awareness for that. I already have tried to ask for help/access services for seven years. It has caused me unbelievable trauma to just try to access help. I haven’t been able to make progress because I have spent years trying to get people to just let me talk without interrupting me to redefine my reality. Or to tell me how to solve a problem they haven’t fully heard.
I have never felt so incredibly alone. I have never truly been this alone
It doesn’t feel like it can be real
#WritingThroughIt #CheckInWithMe #ADHD #ChronicMigraines #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #Anxiety

Hi friends
Things have been weird. I’m getting a little more support outside of the help I gratefully receive here. But I’m feeling really detached and alone.

I’m still finding it hard to be believed. It’s getting a little easier but it’s tiny steps and when something like this happens, I feel discouraged.

I had one of the worst attempts at advocating for myself because the person just constantly told me I was wrong about what I said I was experiencing. She did not let me complete my sentences. The condensation was so clear in her voice. She could hear how much I was struggling to talk and think. I had to stop her and say “ you hear how upset I’m getting, why are you continuing to argue with me?” I had to point out so many obvious things like “as the client advocate of this agency, you are not listening to what I’m saying.” Or “you continue to interrupt me and ask me questions which is why you are not understanding. Let me finish.” (She couldn’t understand why I was bring up something from five years ago… ummmmm if you let me finish you would hear because it’s still not resolved. So trust me- I know it was a long time ago.)
She even found a way to tell me it was my fault that the agency hasn’t been helping me because i only just recently I told the case manager that I’m trying to figure this out. That was last week. I’ve been without services for over a year. Before that, I was getting not even the minimum of what is on my plan. So me saying something this one time doesn’t let them “off the hook.”
She repeatedly said “I just can’t keep this straight.” with the implication it was my fault. I said “as I said before I have ptsd and struggle to communicate, remember, and think clearly.” When I would tell her about things she said “I find that hard to believe,” and “I’ve never heard of that.”
She cut me off at one point and said “are we talking about housing or medicine because you keep switching back and forth” yes- when one doesn’t have access to their basic needs for years, that happens. And since both are equally important for survival it’s hard to not intertwine them. I wish I would have said “I am talking about my basic needs.” Period.
Also- she kept switching back and forth and so I said it back to her.
I’m dissociating more. My flashbacks have been intense. I was having them over the phone while talk to her. I said “I am having flashbacks I am trying to remember.” And she didn’t even acknowledge it or alter her approach. It was like I never said it.

There is so so so much left. It’s weighing so heavy. I have a plan moving forward to… well I guess just get louder. It’s concerning that these individuals are the client advocates for my state’s department of mental health services.

#DomesticAbuseSurvivors
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD #ChronicMigraines #Migraine #Agoraphobia #PanicAttacks #ADHD #WritingThroughIt #CheckInWithMe #DisabilityAdvocacy #DisabilityRights

When you’re experiencing mania, do you do things you normally wouldn’t? Like I tend to get hyper focused on stuff and block things out without knowing it. I’ll feel the need to go out though I’m experiencing anxiety at the same time. Don’t know if I should be worried or not and just go with it. There’s so much I wanna do. #BipolarDisorder #Mania #Manic #WritingThroughIt #checkin #help #Anxiety