I took my daughter to the park today. This is not an uncommon occurrence; we like to go two or three times a week when we can, and there’s not a pandemic keeping them closed. My little one, currently a terrific two-year-old, is fearless and completely undaunted by the unknown (a trait I wish I shared at times). And she likes to play on the 5-12 playground, of course.
My mom instincts want to herd her away to the little, more safe playground. It’s easier, smaller, more familiar. But my daughter, with a glint is determination, rushes straight over to the big playground and starts to climb. Anxiety claws through me; am I a good parent for letting her do this? It seems like it’s unsafe...I don’t want her to fall. I hover protectively for a while, watching her every move.
Until she gets to the bridge. It’s a swaying plank bridge with big gaps between the slats. And I see the fear in her eyes. I can’t save her; she’s going to have to cross it or find another way to get down. And she wants to cross it. Still timid and fearful at first, she starts to cross, testing the swaying bridge with her little foot. She starts to put her weight into it, still nervous but growing more confident. She grabs for my hand through the bars to steady her; she knows I’m near but she wants to do this. And step by step, with a boldness that surprises me, my little two-year-old crosses this bridge. I saw the biggest grin break across her face, and she exclaimed, “I DID IT!” and jumped up and down.
I realized a few things in this moment, as a parent, as a daughter of Christ, as someone who struggles with mental health.
As a parent, I learned that even though my child is only two, she is bold, ambitious, strong, determined, and more beautiful than I ever realized— and I want her to always know that. I want to support her as she dreams big, beautiful, impossible dreams like my parents did for me.
I’ve also learned (or, I’ve been learning for a while now) that sometimes you have to do it afraid. Even when you’re crossing a bridge you don’t know if you’re even capable of crossing— that others have told you specifically NOT to cross, sometimes you just have to swallow your fear and hold on to faith in that moment. One step at a time. I get so tired of letting anxiety rule my thoughts and keep me from the joy of the present, and the future. All it takes is one step at a time.
I want to be bold like my daughter, childlike wonder in my eyes, joyful expectation that there is goodness on the other side of the bridge. Even if I have to inch my way across, I want to cross the bridges the Lord lays before me, holding fast to His hand all the while.
Blogging at heardbelievedloved.com
Lately life has shown me the purpose of self control. I have been in situations, one situation in particular that has made me realize the importance of our reactions to anything. When you are being pushed to the edge of a breakdown with a knife holding all of your fears, insecurities, flaws, how do you stop it? How can we ignore something that’s right in front of us screaming all of these things that we HAVE to react too. It’s impossible. All of that is what I use to believe. I use to believe that if somebody f***** with me I would have to retaliate immediately...if you are bringing out my fears, the parts of me I’m unwilling dealing with, the hurtful worlds being said towards you, none of those things is a reflection of who you are, it’s not the way everybody perceived you, everybody doesn’t notice every flaw like you think, it is just that toxic person going out of the way to offend and hurt. You have the power to stop reacting to energy draining situations or hurtful words. The power of #NoReaction is more than power. It’s positive energy reproducing. It’s stopping negativity at its feet and turning creating positivity. The sense of freedom you feel from not reacting is amazing. Not letting negativity get to you, or make you react is gaining time in your life to be purposeful and mindful of the happy, loving things about you. After toxicity throughout my entire life with relationships being in my lowest points I have never felt so empowered and powerful about myself. Mainly, I am finding ways to cope with life in healthy ways. I am recreating my thoughts into happy thoughts and trying to reverse the process. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 🔮 🔮🔮🔮🔮 #faithandhope
Hello everyone I'm a T12 paraplegic, paralyzed from the waist down. Due to a gunshot about a decade ago when I thought my life was over. Everytime I hear the ambulance sirens my mind goes off on a PTSD roller coaster trip. At times when the roller coaster comes down the track brakes and the coaster gets out of hand. Then my mind down falls and gets off track. Ever since that gunshot I've hated my life at times. Always getting chronic infections needing antibiotics. The vicious cycle of antibiotics getting cdiff from so many antibiotics then back around again. Having to change my adult brief having more than 10 bowel movements in a day. The life in these hotwheels all I can do is keep on pushing and holding on strong. Keep my hope and faith at pace that it's supposed to be at.
#Disabled #wheelchairbound #Wheelchairlife #chronicallyill #Cdiff #faithandhope #Incontinence #paraplegic
Sunday March 17th I moved in with a friend and her family because my father got a job in Ohio(I live in Nebraska). Growing up, I had so much struggles with my family, specifically my parents with emotional abuse. My father has always been condescending and my mother would always try to emotionally manipulate me and I would feel bad for a choice I made that she didn’t like. It was always “how dare you, don’t you see how much we love you?” “why do you want this, don’t you see how much we love you?” “Are you doing this because you hate us?” “We love you even though you hate us” ——— and everything else a daughter loves to hear. My parents have been putting words in my mouth my whole life, despite the truth I tell them. I have told them I love them so many times and “it’s okay” so many times. The biggest way I’ve told them I love them is how I showed it.
“How dare you, don’t you love us?”
Yes. I do. I love each and everyone of you and I have embraced your differences. I love you despite you yelling at me. When I cry I feel guilty that I’m letting you down. I love you still when I lock myself in my room because being around you will hurt. I love you still when I can’t sleep because I can’t help but wonder if you love me. I love you still when I stay out late or visit friends.
I show you this love by waking up before everyone else to clean the house and take care of the pets. I show you this love by never asking to have friends over or help with a school thing so I don’t stress you out. I show you this love by offering to help you and cook you meals even when you refuse to buy groceries. I show you this love by doing all my chores without being asked. I show you this love by covering you up with a blanket when you fall asleep on the couch during a binge. I show you this love by saying “Yes ma’am “ “Yes sir” “May I please?” “Could you please?”
I have shown this love by never cursing or threatening you back. I have shown this love by never being condescending or manipulative back. I have shown this by controlling my temper, letting you interrupt, biting my tongue and taking a deep breath. I’ve shown this by hiding my pain, googling my questions. I show I love you by coming out of my room early the next morning to apologize although I’ve been crying all night.
My heart aches, ——but that will never stop me from loving you. I love you and forgive you each day. I may not want to live with you or even be near you. But I still love you. I have forgiven you as God has forgiven me. I can forgive and still grieve.
I can’t choose my parents. But I can choose forgiveness.
I choose forgiveness. I choose love. I choose God.
Something I want to share: Even if people have tossed you to the curb, used you and are through with you... God’s NOT!!! He has a plan for YOU!!!!!!!!!!
This resonates with me so much, especially, now that I’m going through some things. Though, the most important thing to remember is “I’m going through.” And will reach the end of the tunnel in due time!
I feel a bit low today I feel left out, lonely This feeling sucks. It feels like I have a hole inside my chest...Bla Bla Bla...
But I know this feeling won't last for long; it will fade away and I will feel strong #faithandhope
Keeping the faith and hope alive...I am living.