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But Did I Hit You? #DomesticViolence #DomesticAbuse #NarcisisticAbuse #CPTSD #abusecycle #Trauma

“Did I hit you?”
“Did I hit you?”
“DiD i HiT yOu?”

Is all he kept repeating to me over and over in defense to my holding him accountable for trying to grab me and actually making my headphones fall out last week. Which btw is (according to him) is in the past because it was soooooo long ago. I did the best I could do in that moment but wow it was painful. To see the audacity he gathered to justify being violent towards another human. There was nothing, except self preservation. He knows he’s wrong, he has daughters but he justifies his actions towards me in such a condescending manner that I am usually in shock despite my awareness. I didn’t want to break, I couldn’t let him break me like that, so I grabbed my keys and took off. I was trying not to cry, I didn’t want him to be the one who makes me cry anymore. Narcissistic people have this odd way of getting pleasure out of seeing their victims break down. I refuse to give him that power over me. I did however, scream at the top of my lungs in my car while driving the speed limit to the park 😇 healthy outlets right? The way I’m showing up for myself is so beautiful. Makes me want to give myself a big hug and one to anyone who is trying to get out of an abusive relationship. We can do it, when the time is right and when we are safe and we have the proper support. I’ll have a lot to talk about in therapy tomorrow but for now this helps. Thank you 🙏🏽 #Selfcare #Selfappreciation #AbuseSurvivors #Selflove

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Domestic Abuse Cycle #DomesticAbuse #NarcisisticAbuse #CoersiveControl #AmbientAbuse #manipulation

Yesterday I had time to recover from a very intense Narcissistic Rage episode from my partner, which occurred around 2:30am. I didn’t answer his phone call that night and he took it as a sign of disrespect and then verbally attacked me for hours. I’m proud of myself for not engaging with him. Prior to my recent growth, I had spent two years reacting to his abuse with my own outrage and making myself look silly in the process. It took 2 years to learn that I cannot fight this person back and nor should I have to. So I laid in bed and focused on taking deep belly breaths and extending my exhales so that my CNS could calm itself but often my body tenses up because I didn’t know of he was going to become violent. He didn’t but his anger got progressively worse as he talked himself in circles and made himself more angry with the lack of response. (It’s bizarre to watch someone talk to themselves and then work themselves up into a fit of rage) I have begun to see the humor in the ridiculousness of it all, he’s this angry over a phone call but doesn’t want to acknowledge that he brought it on himself by being abusive. When I hold him accountable for his ways, he turns more abusive. WTH He kept going on with loaded questions
“why are you talking to someone else Leah?”
“Why do you hate me leah?”
“Why don’t you love me leah?” And I just keep responding with
“I can’t answer a loaded question.
“I’m not stupid enough to answer that right now because I’m not safe.”

He uses my response to questions like that to react with more rage and I just wont give him anymore ammo. I just laid there and tried to block him out and sometimes I would interject when the time eas right but my higher self kept saying
“be quiet”
“it’s not worth it”
“Leave it alone”
It’s really not worth it. To watch him try to torture me because he’s upset over a phone call. He doesn’t just yell at me though, he likes to put on a show for the neighbors too. He made sure to keep yelling by the windows and the doors that I was cheating on him and that I was sleeping with someone else. So that just in case anyone hears him yelling, at least they know it’s because his girlfriend is a cheater. Yes he is this manipulative . I can’t make this up. It’s wild to watch play out. You can’t defend yourself against crazy it doesn’t work in your favor. I finally got him to calm down by just acknowledging that I wasn’t going to fight him and he looked silly trying. I was so tired. This is who he has been for 3 plus years. It’s not new. It’s not shocking anymore, It’s just old. I see that he’s not going to change and I don’t want this to be my future. I don’t have kids with him so I’m blessed. I can get out and I’m currently working on making that shift safely. What happens when you don’t love your abuser anymore? When they finally push you too far? “When you accept who they keep choosing to be?” “When you finally see that you deserve to be treated with respect?