manipulation

"Controllers, abusers and manipulative people don't question themselves. They don't ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else." #manipulation #BPD #MentalIllness #MentalHealth

I thought I’d share my experience as to why I waited so long to get answers for my chronic pain that ended up being #AnkylosingSpondylitis

My grandmother (my mom’s mother) is a narcissist, abuser, and just so happens to be chronically ill on top of that. Long story short, for my mom’s entire life my grandmother has used her various illnesses as a means to control those around her and guilt them into submission. It warped my mom’s perspective on those with chronic pain or illness, so for many years she would be easily triggered by any mention of pain that you couldn’t see with the naked eye. Basically, if you weren’t bleeding or something like that, it was surely a manipulation tactic and not an actual problem.

Fast forward to when I was ten. I started having horrid back pain. I tell mom, she says it’s growing pains. I keep telling her it still hurts. She gets triggered, I get shut down. This goes on for many years, into adulthood. I hesitated to tell her for so long that getting up in the mornings was excruciating, that I would randomly get so tired that I couldn’t function, and that everyday was a random draw of the cards - will I be on too much pain to even stand, or will I have enough energy to run three miles during gym?

Two years ago, my mother and I finally stepped away from the family, specifically my grandmother. And we’ve been having very intense honest talks - a lot being about how I couldn’t tell her about my pain, and her realizing how much I’ve been struggling since I was 10 (my older brother with nonverbal #Autism being diagnosed with AS also contributed to the conversation really opening up).

Ever since we’ve stepped away, I’ve felt more accepting of the fact that something is wrong and that it’s not all “in my head.” I recently got a diagnosis after all these years of not knowing, and started physical therapy and will be seeing a rheumatologist for the first time later this month. I have to catch myself from crying every time a doctor says things like “YOUR ankylosing…” or “YOUR chronic pain.” It’s so nice to be heard 😭❤️

I do have to mention that I’m pretty lucky to have a mom that is willing to work on these things and to apologize for not handling it well. We are working together to make sure the generational trauma and cycle of abuse ends with us. But we still trip up on occasion. Now that I have gotten some acknowledgement of my pain, I’m having a hard time not making it my entire personality 😂 I’m finding the balance with time. And she sometimes will get triggered and might knee-jerk into old habits, but she’s working on that as well.

Thanks for reading my rambling 🙈

#Diagnosis #ChronicIlless #ChronicPain #Narcisist #generationaltrauma #Abuse #manipulation

Yesterday I had time to recover from a very intense Narcissistic Rage episode from my partner, which occurred around 2:30am. I didn’t answer his phone call that night and he took it as a sign of disrespect and then verbally attacked me for hours. I’m proud of myself for not engaging with him. Prior to my recent growth, I had spent two years reacting to his abuse with my own outrage and making myself look silly in the process. It took 2 years to learn that I cannot fight this person back and nor should I have to. So I laid in bed and focused on taking deep belly breaths and extending my exhales so that my CNS could calm itself but often my body tenses up because I didn’t know of he was going to become violent. He didn’t but his anger got progressively worse as he talked himself in circles and made himself more angry with the lack of response. (It’s bizarre to watch someone talk to themselves and then work themselves up into a fit of rage) I have begun to see the humor in the ridiculousness of it all, he’s this angry over a phone call but doesn’t want to acknowledge that he brought it on himself by being abusive. When I hold him accountable for his ways, he turns more abusive. WTH He kept going on with loaded questions
“why are you talking to someone else Leah?”
“Why do you hate me leah?”
“Why don’t you love me leah?” And I just keep responding with
“I can’t answer a loaded question.
“I’m not stupid enough to answer that right now because I’m not safe.”

He uses my response to questions like that to react with more rage and I just wont give him anymore ammo. I just laid there and tried to block him out and sometimes I would interject when the time eas right but my higher self kept saying
“be quiet”
“it’s not worth it”
“Leave it alone”
It’s really not worth it. To watch him try to torture me because he’s upset over a phone call. He doesn’t just yell at me though, he likes to put on a show for the neighbors too. He made sure to keep yelling by the windows and the doors that I was cheating on him and that I was sleeping with someone else. So that just in case anyone hears him yelling, at least they know it’s because his girlfriend is a cheater. Yes he is this manipulative . I can’t make this up. It’s wild to watch play out. You can’t defend yourself against crazy it doesn’t work in your favor. I finally got him to calm down by just acknowledging that I wasn’t going to fight him and he looked silly trying. I was so tired. This is who he has been for 3 plus years. It’s not new. It’s not shocking anymore, It’s just old. I see that he’s not going to change and I don’t want this to be my future. I don’t have kids with him so I’m blessed. I can get out and I’m currently working on making that shift safely. What happens when you don’t love your abuser anymore? When they finally push you too far? “When you accept who they keep choosing to be?” “When you finally see that you deserve to be treated with respect?

Many people with complicated parent relationships/situations struggle, feeling obligated, judged and pressured to get cards for parents during celebratory occasions.

I feel that society attempts to make adult children/children and survivors of abuse
feel like we have to forgive and give folx that harmed us another chance which is FALSE.

NOT forgiving someone, DOES NOT impede individuals from healing. Healing is the process towards working on the PTSD, anxiety, depression and anger etc.

You are ALLOWED to have boundaries and exclude individuals out of your life that harmed you, gaslights you, attempts to manipulate you or take advantage of you. Regardless of if the person[s] is a family member.

I do have a suggestion regarding cards,
if warm, mushy manufactured cards are
NOT the relationship/situation with your parent[s]. Purchase blank cards. I have several packs of blank cards with designs I like that can be used for neutral occasions.

I wrote a poem in the inside of blank cards for my mama and stepdad. My biological father, I’m not in a place to give him a card, call or text him for Father’s Day. #Survivors #Abuse #PTSD #Depression #Anxiety #Parents #manipulation #dysfunctional #Healing #boundaries #FathersDay #MothersDay #CelebratoryOccasions

If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured into doing something for *their* comfort and happiness... Get away from them as fast as you can.

I learned this lesson the hard way - I was groomed and molested throughout my childhood for well over a decade by a close family member - I learned how abusers (and their enablers) use our emotions and empathy against us to get their way. So if my nightmare experience throughout childhood can help save at least one person from being abused by a so called family member or friend... Good.

Also, never be afraid to speak out and tell the truth, especially when they try to silence you. The shame doesn't belong to you, the shame belongs to the abuser, and to those complicit enablers who help protect the abuser by keeping you quiet.

Those people I should've felt safe with guilt tripped and manipulated me with religious "forgive and forget" tactics. They used my faith and loyalty against me to insure my abusers future. Now, I know better than to have trusted them, because there is no way I would do that to a victim of abuse. Especially if they were my child. Why should I be considerate and keep their flimsy reputations intact when my abuser didn't exactly have any consideration enough to stop traumatizing me all of those years ago when I said, "No!" Only the abuser and their enablers benefit from your silence - so be loud.

Trauma should never be ignored, it has to be addressed and worked through or the scars will never heal. I still have PTSD from my traumatic childhood experiences, and because I didn't have the support of family that I should've had then, it's been a difficult journey towards healing. But I am no longer afraid to speak out. I didn't ask to be abused, but I did ask for help from my family... They chose to protect the abuser. And so, after years of feeling numb, worthless and broken, I eventually chose to protect myself by setting boundaries and cutting ties with those who were complicit. That was my choice, and I don't have any regrets.

If you've been abused and assaulted, you have every right to hold the perpetrators accountable for their transgressions against you - or not. Abusers choose to be abusive, so never question bringing their shame to light. And don't ever feel obligated to stay in touch with an abuser, or their complicit enablers simply because they are family members, or so called friends. Your health, happiness and safety is more important than being nice to them. And you are worth protecting with personal boundaries. Prioritize your safety over being 'nice'. Always.

#metoo #abusesurvivor #gaslight #manipulation #EmotionalAbuse #post Childhood Abuse #PTSD #CPTSD #adolescent sexual molestation trauma #religious Trauma #childhoodtraumasurvivor