neverenough

Why am I never enough for people , never pretty enough , thin enough , smart enough , educated enough , sick enough, healthy enough , strong enough etc the list goes on . I just want to be treated like a human being . Be treated with love and respect

I rarely get on here anymore but I had to get this down somewhere. I was just on Facebook and saw my sister-in-law posted 57 pictures from the birthday party for my 5 yr old niece. (Although they knew I wouldn't come, and they live 2 hours away it's nice to be invited but I wasn't). My niece, dressed as Belle (I think the yellow dress Disney character) had a tiara, and a young lady dressed as Belle come to her party and do twirling ribbons, face painting, etc. All in their backyard with the fire pit designed by my brother and featured in Good Housekeeping going next to the sparkling pool. My brother and his wife both make 6 and 7 figures, I'm not mad at them for living awesome. But it made me think of my own sons 5th birthday (he's 15 now) and it still has me bawling like it was yesterday and makes my heart ache. 4 days prior to that I had the SWAT team at our home for 3 hours waiting on his dad to come out. I had no money as I was a SAHM and he took his money to jail with him. I had a Vanilla cake mix I had gotten from the food pantry and I had to ask the neighbor for an egg just to make it because I was so broke I couldn't afford any. The candle I used was one i had found on the top shelf in the cabinet the previous renter had left. I'll never be able to have what they have and fuck I could've gone without seeing that. It just hurts.
#Depression #neverenough #failing

It is so hard to be this lonely when I am surrounded by so many people and I try so hard to please everyone and no matter what it’s never enough. And to boot I am invisible I mean can’t I be noticed I am right here screaming in my head trying to get noticed. #neverenough #

why does my mother think she needs to keep “fixing me”. like i’m not broken but the more she treats me like i am the angrier i get. which makes me drink and then i never want to wake up. run away. get away. make it all stop.

I've recently decided to try for a romantic relationship. With my mental illnesses it makes it extremely difficult. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I am relatively new to the diagnoses. In the last year a lot has happened. I am out of a five year relationship, I was beaten and raped, I've decided to become alcohol free I'm almost 11 months sober, and I have moved in with my mother. Her and I's relationship has never been good, but this time it's different. She's trying to be more understanding now that there's a label for my problem. My father has never been around and when he was he was drunk, abusive, and grab happy. He liked to remind me that I was never wanted and that I was a mistake from the day he found out my mother was pregnant with me. After I was born I died twice and somehow made it back, that seemed to only make matters worse.

My dad recently came in and out of my life once again. He tries to act like a father to me when he gets bored or lonely and preys on the fact that I long for a father that loves me and cares. I tried to let him in, but it's the same old song and dance. He leaves death threats and reminds me that he's the only dad I'll have. If my own father wants me dead and treats me like garbage how can another man love me. I feel incapable of being loved, of having someone pay attention to me, of being something to someone else. My previous relationship was with a narcissistic sociopath and he made me feel emotionally exhausting. I was either too much or not enough there was no happy medium.

I met someone who is also sober and bettering his life. He asks about my day and my feelings. He wants to know if anything is wrong or how he could help. He loves me and tells me that I am beautiful. I love hearing it, but it terrifies me at the same time. No one has stuck around especially not anyone of the male species. They say they will never leave and they love me and the second I stop bending to their will I am trash. They remind me I'm a mistake and unwanted. I'm only good as long as I am taking orders and not asking questions. I want to trust him and believe him, but I don't feel I am worthy of being loved. He talks about his problems, his dreams, and his emotions. I'm falling so hard, but I have this wall up and I don't want to hurt him. I love him and he makes me happy, but I think he deserves someone better than me.

I don't want to be a mistake. I don't want to be emotionally exhausting. I don't want to be incapable of love. I want to be enough for someone forever. I seem to always fall short or push them away. I don't know if I should continue the relationship or disappear and save him from the mistake which is me...

this horrible feeling of not being enough? ! I'm constantly battling this feeling again for the last week, at work and in my private life. I have a lot of things to handle right now in both sectors and although I give my best I still feel like it is not enough. There are days when all I want is to go to bed and not get up until Christmas. To find some peace of mind I am falling back into an old behaviour and silent my thoughts with food, chocolate To be exact. Which is stupid in so many ways but so is my other motion which is shopping. I have no idea how to handle the next couple weeks til my holiday. But I 'll see my therapist before and we will work on some strategy. What is yours to avoid over thinking??? #Depression #NegativeThinking #EatingDisorder #neverenough