First, I am going to use this site as a diary, I believe. So please, by no means should anyone feel forced to read my crap. I am scared to post, but there we are; my disclaimer. You've been warned! :)
Tonight I #Write trying to get back in touch with #whoiam after an extremely #Manipulative #Controlling degrading #AbusiveRelationship . More than 1 person warns me this could be dangerous I am battling both the fear that it will be dangerous but as twisted as it seems I think I may actually be more selfishly afraid that I'll be #Forgotten #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder
I have been losing people all of my life and not one person has stayed even if they came back everyone has had to take a break. A few years ago I went to 7 different psychiatrists and specialists looking for help and LITERALLY everyone of them told me the same answer more or less but their is one answer to my #seekinghelp that will forever be embedded in my mind, word for word.
"You are too #Traumatized to help , " he said. That cut me so deep I still feel scared today that he was right. But I'm here. Trying to prove wrong this theory quiet a few doctors seem to think of when it comes to me.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 6 years old so most of my life none of them gave me hope just #pills that didn't do anything for it wasn't a chemical imbalance instead it was just about everything else out of balance and wrong in life causing my behaviors. But everyone was too busy #fighting or whatever else the case may be to ever realize just how badly all the #Rejection #abandonment #SexualAssault
#violence"> #FosterCare #Adoption SUCKS ...
At 4 I was #Cutting something I do not support in others but also do not judge in others for your life matters far more than mine I assure you... No one noticed. I've been #invisible since I can recall.
And while the #Relationshipproblems I had recently are going away as I attempt to hide from him and ignore how it hurts I still feel that stupid #Child within me terrified I am gonna vanish because no one will ever love me again and 'bad' love surely is better than no #Love - this is #panic talking, I think...
Oh I don't know.
recently moved into a new house with my #grandma for #Caregiving and at first because I wanted to. But she has grown ... very different over the past year all her other children abandon her and while she just recently said she thinks she made a #mistake in letting me stay around instead of having to be further shoved from person to person, institution to institution, despite her doubt in that, I do love her and am glad she did even if life has been one massive hell hole with nothing but shadows filled with violence, anger, terror, horrible things done to a child, rather I say, the innocence stolen, full of every day questions about the next rejection or abandonment or if worry; worry that if I fell asleep she would be dead in the morning because I hadn't been able to save her.