What my eating disorder took away from me
I used to be confident enough to wear anything I want. I used to enjoy eating at social events and any other type of gatherings, laughing and having a good time and being able to genuinely enjoy the present instead of thinking about how many calories I'm eating/drinking. I used to be able to hold long conversations with my friends and actually listen to what they had to say instead of overthinking about my body and how I look (or how I could look).
I was the type of person someone would reach out to if they wanted to have fun or to even talk about certain things they wouldn't feel comfortable talking about with other people. I used to be reliable, as a friend and family member. I used to be funny, and I tried my best to enjoy every activity I did. I was sure of my decisions and I didn't need anything else than good company to actually have fun.
Eating disorders turned me into a 'thrill seeker', since I couldn't find thrill or joy in anything else other than burning calories. Even burning calories wasn't that enjoyable, it was sort of like a punishment that made me feel relief and less anxious. At some point, right before I decided to ask for help, I found myself seeking thrill engaging in several different activities that didn't fill the void; some of them might've turned into unhealthy habits and some I let go.
Someone once told me that people who have struggled with eating disorders can surely recover but it will always leave a scar. I didn't even used to think I could recover but now that I have, I know now what they meant: it left a mark, it took away my confidence and reliability and it's very hard to get those back. As I recovered from an eating disorder I fell into depression and I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. My eating disorder created a chain of events that would turn into messes I had to clean, and eventually, depression and anxiety.
But I'm doing better, since I would much rather deal with these mental illnesses and diagnosis than my actual eating disorder, because now I have therapy and a psychiatrist, which helps a lot.
I continue to be a thrill seeker but I'm more self-aware now, of both the consequences of my actions and the impact it has on others around me. I continue to fight every day not to feel miserable with my body image, but I've made peace with the scale and my weight: I don't care anymore, honestly I just want to be happy. Slowly claiming back everything an eating disorder took away from me: it's tiring but worth the shot.