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× So Apparently I Need To Sign An Agreement. × #Part #2

× So This Agreement Say's That I Need To Spend 20 Mins Outside... Exercise...See A Therapist...Get On Disability...Get SNAP. And That I Need To Work More. I Guess My Three Day's Of Rest It Not Good For Them.× I Don't Go Out Or Spend My Money On Anything . I'm Trying To Save So I Can Leave. But Everywhere Is High. In Rent Etc. And Disability Take's Forever To Get On. My Plan Was To Save Every Check And Move. But Now I Have To Change It Since Now They Want $ For Thier Expensive Water Bill. I'm Not Here For 4 Day's. I'm Working And I Come Home To Sleep. And Get Up To Work. Nothing I Do Is Right When It Come's To My Sibling's I'm Not Lazy Or Don't Want To Do Thing's. I Got Alot Of Angery Text From My Older Brother. Idk What My SisterIs Telling Him. That's Painting Me As Lazy And Don't Want To Do Anything With My Life. ☆ S.K.☆#MajorDepression

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Samantha

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@theangryyogi

masters 4y

Never giving up #studying #Disability

Being diagnosed with spondyloarthritis has been life changing. In a way the years of searching for a diagnosis and being misdiagnosed has come to an end. It also has brought with it intensive treatment and strained financials. I have been on unpaid sick leave for months being too sick and in too much pain to contribute much. I feel guilty and depressed all the time for not contributing enough to the finances. During this diagnostic and treatment journey I was studying my master's degree part time. I have deferred and gotten so many extensions. I considered even giving up entirely. My supervisor phoned me yesterday to tell me not to give up and that she wants me to complete my master's. I have a huge research protocol submission due tomorrow and I'm struggling but going to try my best. If I just take it a day at a time I'll get there. I am not going to give up. I read someone where once that if you take care of the little moments, the years take care of themselves.

#masters #University #Part -timestudies #Spondyloarthritis #Fibromyalgia #Depression #hopeful #struggling

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#FailureToThrive #Part 2

Part 1 was about my failure to thrive as a parent. Its true. Bipolar is a demon that takes away hope and clarity. You cant think. You dont think. I wasn't always medicated. As a parent. As an employee. As an employee.

It made me DANGEROUS. I did crazy things. Made spontaneous decisions for the high. Threw things. Broke things. Slept with strangers. Bakeracted myself. You have no idea how darkness swallowed me. The nightmares And regrets I live with.

Part 2 is about my failure to thrive as an employee. Oh God. This is where my desire for a book comes in. "Bipolar in Corporate America". The job market doesn't want to accommodate us. We are a burden to them. I asked my therapist, "Truely, if someone with bipolar, if when we interviewed For a job, we told the them We had bipolar and that we would need accommodations, would they hire us?" No they wouldn't. If we told the truth we would never be hired.

My failure to thrive is that I have already been fired from 2 jobs becaus8⁰e I cant control my disease. I am my disease. Whether I have accommodations or not. Its It's never enough. The panic attacks. The anxiety. The depression. Being around so many people. Even the evaluations For performance. Its all so overwhelming.

At my first job they found me hiding under a table crying, at my 2nd Job in a cubicle crying, in the hallway having a panic attack. Now I'm at my 3rd job. Its been 6 months and Already I've had problems with management. My boss has said to me, "you use your illness as a crutch for everything. You need to move on. You have one month to improve your performance."

My world is an out of body experience. I see my life as well as live my life. I don't give up. After this obstacle, there will always be another. My favorite quote has always been, "hope for the best, prepare for the worst, snack in between" 🙂 whether I'm a failure or not.

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Leah Bear

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@leahbear86

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#FailureToThrive #Part 1

A lot of peeps with bipolar normally lean towards one side or the other. More manic or more depressive. I'm more depressive. Obviously.

Which leads to my next story. I remember the first time my grandfather told me "Leah, it's such a shame that you don't have control over your mental issues. You're so intelligent. You could have been someone. Done something. Become so successful. But you let these issues control you. Its so sad." When's the last time he said this to me? 3 days ago.

Failure to Thrive seems to be an acceptable representation of me. One failure after another. Failure to Help my son. I have No One. Absolutely No One. how did I go from being a bridesmaid to 10 girls and a maid of honor to 4 girls with so many friends To not having a single person who can pick up my son from daycare.

Failure. WTF. I dont have people. I don't have money. I don't have time. I feel like a leech. Taking $2000 from my grandmother for court. The guilt is overwhelming. The sense of failure is Consuming. I dont want to Have to go to court. I dont want to owe her. I dont to to disappoint her. I dont want to remind her I'm a Failure. I want to close my eyes. I want the world to stop. My heart is racing. My anxiety is rising. I want to clock out of work. Run upstairs and hide under the covers.

I can't breathe. Only one word rings in my head over and over in my head "failure , failure, failure ". I hear my grandfather sigh, oh, leah, what you could have been. I think about the apt. I lost. The things I've done, I'm bath water swirling down the drain. Spinning, spinning, dizzy, dizzy , so lost. So alone.

Failure.

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