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I didn't need to be stronger, I needed to be safe

I read or heard that somewhere recently, and it hit my like a ton of bricks. I always hated when people said things like 'I am who I am today thanks to (because of) what happened to me, it made me stronger, blah blah blah...' and that reply: 'i didn't need to be stronger, I needed to be safe' could not have been more accurate.
Sure, I am independent, adaptable, resourceful and strong, and it may be a result of what I have gone through. However, I never asked to be any of those things. I could have been those things growing up in a nurturing environment as well. I didn't need to be independent and strong as a child, I didn't need to know to survive. I needed to be safe. I needed someone to rely on. I never got those things.
So no, I cannot look at it in a positive way. I also cannot let it go, I cannot forgive and how I wish I could forget. I wish I could go inside my brain and erase everything. But life isn't merciful.
People say forgiveness is for yourself. I never understood that. If I GIVE forgiveness, how can it be for myself? It makes me mad to even think about forgiving. I think it would destroy me instead. It feels like giving a free pass, like saying 'it's okay now; now I have to figure it out for myself'. It was never okay, it isn't okay and it will never be okay. It also should not be something I need to figure out. I don't know if I'm explaining myself, but that is the best I can do.
I need to heal, that's what they say, but how do you heal your soul. How do you heal from something like that. It's not a wound that can be stiched back together. I tried. The universe knows I have tried to pick up the pieces and put then back together so that I can go on living. And every time it rips open again, and it feels like the wound may be bigger. I don't have scars; I have open, bleeding, gaping holes. They have been there ever since I can remember. Maybe I was born with them. Maybe I was defective and that's how I got born into the life I had to live through.
They say life is the choices you make. What then if your choices were taken away fron the get go? I did not choose that. So, why? I feel like it's too late to start to make choices. What is the point? When it follows you everywhere you go, when it stains every little corner of your life.
It's funny. I barely have memories. I can't remember most of my childhood, whether positive or negative, and sometimes I am not even sure if my memories are mine or if they are stories I've heard of what happened in a certain moment. I have a few horrific memories, I know I've forgotten a lot and I thank everything, everyday, for that. What I remember is terrible enough. Painful enough. Still, even if my brain chooses not to play the full movie, the pain is there. The all consuming pain that I felt then and I feel now. How do you even start to let go of something like that? When it's become part of you. When it seeped into your bones and become your being.
#Ramblingthoughts #Depression #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #SexualAbuse #CPTSD

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small progress is still #progress

there are days when my only accomplishment is dragging myself out of bed, and surviving the day. I haven’t had a day like that in weeks. I get plenty of sleep and I can toss and turn as much as I want, without having to worry about waking anyone up. no one except me has slept in my bed in two years and eight months. I was #depressed from mid-2018 to mid- to late 2019. I had #SuicidalIdeation from late 2018 to mid-2019. I feel like I’m waking up from a dream. was I even really #living or was I simply #Surviving? even if I was only surviving, I wasn’t doing a very good job.

now, I want to #thrive, and I’m setting myself up nicely, preparing myself for the next low. but there are still days when I just break down and sob. I let it all out and sleep it off. and the next day, I feel better.

the difficult part is when I sleep and sleep and sleep, but don’t start feeling better. the weight of the world breaks my heart. if I lose hope, I know it’s going to be a long journey back to okay. just okay. because look at the world we live in. it SHOULD break our hearts. people are alone, people are dying, people are making desperate choices in an attempt to save their families and themselves. how can it NOT break your heart? #justice #Civilrights #Ramblingthoughts


My secret - TW #SexualAssaultSurvivors

It’s been nearly 3 years. I told the school. I eventually told my mother and my therapist. Nothing ever happened.
He graduated with honors and went into the military. He has a beautiful girlfriend.
And i have nightmares.
He was popular and well spoken. He was wealthy and the female students fawned over him.
I was never interested.
I don’t remember much. Fortunately or unfortunately the details escape me.
I remember my head spinning. I couldn’t find my key. I remember feeling crushed. I remember the darkness .
I woke up to scratches and pain and dried vomit. He dropped me off but never looked at me again.
I tried to go to the school when I could no longer take seeing him in class and hearing girls talk about his body.
The only thing that happened was I was interrogated and eventually put in a group with him.
It was so painful to sit a foot across from him.
To see him look me in the eyes, finally, and know that an apology or explanation was never coming.
The worst part was not knowing every little thing.
I can’t say out loud that I’ve been sexually assaulted. I can’t say that I was sexually assaulted by a law student and now a member of the military.
I used to wonder what I would say to him if I ever got the chance. I think I’ve finally found the words. “No matter how much time passes, where you go or what you do, you will always be a rapist...and no matter what happens I will always be a survivor. And that’s something you will never ever be able to take from me.” #Ramblingthoughts #PTSD #traumasurvivor

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