I didn't need to be stronger, I needed to be safe
I read or heard that somewhere recently, and it hit my like a ton of bricks. I always hated when people said things like 'I am who I am today thanks to (because of) what happened to me, it made me stronger, blah blah blah...' and that reply: 'i didn't need to be stronger, I needed to be safe' could not have been more accurate.
Sure, I am independent, adaptable, resourceful and strong, and it may be a result of what I have gone through. However, I never asked to be any of those things. I could have been those things growing up in a nurturing environment as well. I didn't need to be independent and strong as a child, I didn't need to know to survive. I needed to be safe. I needed someone to rely on. I never got those things.
So no, I cannot look at it in a positive way. I also cannot let it go, I cannot forgive and how I wish I could forget. I wish I could go inside my brain and erase everything. But life isn't merciful.
People say forgiveness is for yourself. I never understood that. If I GIVE forgiveness, how can it be for myself? It makes me mad to even think about forgiving. I think it would destroy me instead. It feels like giving a free pass, like saying 'it's okay now; now I have to figure it out for myself'. It was never okay, it isn't okay and it will never be okay. It also should not be something I need to figure out. I don't know if I'm explaining myself, but that is the best I can do.
I need to heal, that's what they say, but how do you heal your soul. How do you heal from something like that. It's not a wound that can be stiched back together. I tried. The universe knows I have tried to pick up the pieces and put then back together so that I can go on living. And every time it rips open again, and it feels like the wound may be bigger. I don't have scars; I have open, bleeding, gaping holes. They have been there ever since I can remember. Maybe I was born with them. Maybe I was defective and that's how I got born into the life I had to live through.
They say life is the choices you make. What then if your choices were taken away fron the get go? I did not choose that. So, why? I feel like it's too late to start to make choices. What is the point? When it follows you everywhere you go, when it stains every little corner of your life.
It's funny. I barely have memories. I can't remember most of my childhood, whether positive or negative, and sometimes I am not even sure if my memories are mine or if they are stories I've heard of what happened in a certain moment. I have a few horrific memories, I know I've forgotten a lot and I thank everything, everyday, for that. What I remember is terrible enough. Painful enough. Still, even if my brain chooses not to play the full movie, the pain is there. The all consuming pain that I felt then and I feel now. How do you even start to let go of something like that? When it's become part of you. When it seeped into your bones and become your being.
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