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Little Moments Like This

I received a notice from SOOP that poetry book we entitled CPS: Crimes, Corruption & Chaos was chosen within thr selected 20 to win editorial assistance with their project

You need a min of 5o votes to win. So I am asking my family of #writer #poets #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Love #Loneliness #PTSD #justice #freedom The book encompass so many feelings and brings forth the reality of lived life, survivor of abuse, DV. Injustices by the state that have not been investigated. Reading poetry will bring forth creativity, a zest for productivity and an appreciation for seeing someone rise from being broken, beaten, bruised and Blessed

(Excerpt from my upcoming book CPS: Crimes. Corruption & Chaos)

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My Documentary: Diagnosis Uncertain #viisquad #HealthDocumentary #advocate #justice #HealthcareProviders #Documentary

Hey guys, this is my Documentary. We're hoping to turn it into a series since I have a lot of ongoing things and discoveries. If anyone has any recommendations on where to submit this, please let me know. Also, please let me know if you have an interest in sharing your story. I've been treated TERRIBLY by the healthcare system, and I'm the one suffering and paying for it ultimately. There's some sinister stuff happening within the system, and I'm making a stand. youtu.be/z2janL-IySY

Diagnosis: Uncertain

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Deep Sorrow

Keeping up after trauma after trauma.
Hello All Be-INGS of love and light. The past two years of my life have resulted in what some might call a story of loss.
2020 started with a seriously false accusation in my business that resulted me spiraling into a major depression. I had a trip planned with my family to Mexico a few weeks after the accusation and if it was for photos I wouldn’t of been able to recall most of the events as I was in shock and disbelief of my character and integrity being attacked.
I felt so bad, my wife and in-laws were the ones had to pick up my slack as we have two younger, amazing children.
Then came Covid isolation. Nothing could prepare me for the grief snd suffering was about to experience while running a business, dealing with authorities and being a husband and a dad. I felt worthless.
Fortunately therapy was able to help and we got back on track and I was acquitted of the allegation.
Then, 3 months an unspeakable tragedy came. My father left us. On the brink of retirement. He took his life. At 64. I didn’t see it coming. We were all in shock and disbelief. I felt like as the man of the family I had no choice but to go back to work and provide.
It was a mistake that cost me everything that was dear to my heart. I didn’t take time to grieve and ponder my own fathers significant mental health as an amazing man and chiropractor who sadly never overcame his own demons. My best friend and wife of 12 years asked me to leave. I believed I was the problem and space would do is good. Sadly, it wasn’t an ultimatum, it was the end.
Now almost a year and a half later, co-parenting and Greiving significant losses I have suffered significant reputational damages over a false allegation with no evidence and I feel I can barely hold on any longer.
I am weak beyond words and shouldn’t be doing what I am doing but I have no choice as I. We’d to provide for my 2 children and seek justice for being portrayed as someone I am not! I am told, stay the course, this too shall pass. I am human and have deep feelings and want nothing more but to rest and grieve the overwhelming pain I keep repressing every damn day.
I am awaiting to start a bereavement group for the support and hope it can start sooner than later.
I’ve learned a lot about myself since experiencing such loss in a short time. I am stronger than I’ve ever known or thought.
I am welcoming a break, but pray it’s not one that I am forced into taking but one I can choose on my own accord. God willing I make it through the next few months and pray for those who are facing similar fates or worse. It’s been a two year marathon gauntlet that I wouldn’t wish upon the devil himself. I have to preserve for my loves and will not escape by the hands of mental health suicide. As I know to well the pain of the tsunami that follows after such an act.
God bless. Hold strong as the ones that love you need you more than you think. #MentalHealth #justice #Depression #AnxietyAttack #freedom

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Missing my piano

TCan't say exactly what is going on due to legal issues but I miss playing piano terribly. I hope one day to be able to play again. I have been busy painting, writing, helping my elderly parents move, work with oil pastels, and after hand surgery I can crochet again. But through it all, I miss my chance to play piano the most and hope one day when things settle down, I will one day be able to play again. Please send positive thoughts and prayers my way if you would. It's been a long ten months.. #Stress #Music  #coping #justice

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Book Review for Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult

I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoyed The Green Mile. The story is about June Nealon who is looking forward to a future with her husband, daughter, and unborn baby. Suddenly, that future is gone and replaced by anger, fear, and struggling.
Shay Bourne's life hadn't been easy. Raised in Foster Cares, uneducated, and life had never offered Shay anything.
Shay's redemption lies with June and her 11 year old daughter, Claire. In the way of Shay's redemption lies a mother's anger, a life of crime, and a lot of regrets.
The story ask of everyone, "Would you give up your vengeance against someone you hate if it meant saving someone you love? Would you want your dreams to come true if it meant granting your enemy's dying wish?" The answers are hard but Picoult weaves a heart wrenching story that touches anyone that reads it. #BookReview #JodiPicoult #Murder #Crime #justice #Mothers


Forgetting to ground.

Does anyone else with C.P.T.S.D find when they get lots of new memories back in a short space of time that it's much harder to remember to ground?

I've been really good at applying grounding technics lately, I've been using them a lot and managing new memories and flashbacks well..

over the last week though I have broken through another memory wall into another valt of trauma, the memories behind that wall were pushed back because they are genuinely Terrifying to the point you could make horror movies out of them!

I broke down that wall and kinda kept it on hold until my therapy session yesterday..
Which was sort of helpful 🤪
yet it also backed up that someone with a professional and outside opinion also feels that the way I'm being treated by the police while trying to report, means I'm genuinely putting myself in danger in the now!!
I knew that anyway.. to have it backed up via an outside professional leaves me feeling im even less safe 😱😳🤯

I don't have many more therapy sessions to go and don't know if I can get more funding.. so very soon I may be in this minefield alone without Anyone to talk to about it all!🤪👀

#Therapist #Nosupport #dangeroursplace #CPTSD #PTSD #futurefears #PanicAttack #MeToo #childhoodabusesurvivor #RapeSurvivors #Childhoodtrauma #justice #fightingabuse


What do you see.. C.P.T.S.D or me? (A poem)

I used to think I could just flow with the tide,
But that was just another way to hide,
To keep it all inside..
slap on a smile no one will know you nearly died.

The grim depths of reality were more than a little brain could hold, so I hid the truth in a brain fold..
Tucked away was all my trauma, so I could pretend the world was warmer!
After what my little eyes had seen, I had to search for something in the world that wasn't cold or mean, broken or obscene..

Then the search for oblivion, to forget the world I was living in..
I partied all the time it wasn't a problem.. as I didn't count it as addiction.
Just another way to block out my childhoods depiction!

When the trauma is developmental, it's much easier to bracket you as mental!
When you look at me what do you see..
C.P.T.S.D or Me?

All my life Ive had flashbacks for breakfast.
A cereal of images, eating at my life force..
Not something you can explain in common discourse!

These things I couldn't disclose, that happened when I had no clothes, I could never explain how they were the course of my lows..
Well how can you explain things so horrific Even your own brain pretends it dosent know?
It's not something I chose, yet it's a book I never get to close..

I grew up, Trauma repeated, by many men who's numbers I've deleted, but not before I became depleted!
I reflected and worked on my self image, some parts of me completed.
Yet every day a new piece of my psychi competed..

Flashbacks led me to my memories,
A tale Terrifying in its complexity!
Little eyes shouldn't see death up close and personal, they shouldn't have to work out a psychopaths rationale..
Even as broken homes go mine wasn't traditional!

Yet I am made of the glue to fix myself!
Somehow I found the Grit to prosecute those at fault, the process has bought my life to a halt..
But surely it's worth it to bring down a cult?!?!

I don't know what this poem was about..
Some days I'm calm others I want to shout, but this is my only place to let it out!

#CPTSD #CPTSDinrelationships #Depression #AbuseSurvivors #justice #Upallnight #MightyPoets #mightypoety #Flashbacks #Childhoodtrauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #RapeSurvivors

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A poem. Broken Justice.

Investigation on hold they say.
Stopped mid flow, again voiceless in the void.
So many pitfalls to avoid..
Dented yet Never destroyed!

Stretching my window of tolerance,
There is beauty everywhere yet it's hard to stand in reverence!
Time lapses, as the plan collapses..

I am put on hold, a full stop.
Yet no gap from memories..
No time off for the frontal lobe,
No freedom to wander the globe,
Yet also no where to call home..

No shelter from flashbacks that batter like a winter storm, as I comfort my inner child I grow warm..
Lightening breaks across the sea,
Flashes of memory..
The storm they call P.T.S.D,
Some days it recks me.

Others I rise from the ashes,
Reassemble from inner trashes.
Some days I break preconseptions,
Others it's me that smashes!
I've lived through dark days my skin carries the slashes.

Though my scars do Not define,
Each memory is mine.
Trauma must Not be past along the line!
Now I can spot a trigger from a warning sign..

I catch myself before I fall,
Somehow I manage to handle it all..
I take a deep breath and again stand tall!
I'm left wondering why the police still stall..
I want Justice for all those who were hurt when they were small!

#CPTSD #justice #Survivor #PTSD #AbuseSurvivors #BipolarDepression #Trauma #TraumaSurvivors #CheckInWithMe


RPD Needs to Stop!

Trigger warning

This evening I witnessed the ROCHESTER, NY police department open fire on what was a peaceful protest following the murder and cover up of Daniel Prude. At the front of the line was a group of elected officials who sought to be the unifying tie to ensure everyone remained safe and that police and protestors did not overstep their boundaries together and remained peaceful. The police, complete with attack dogs on hand reminiscent of racism in the 60s, shot from the back of their line at the clearly marked press, then the peaceful protestors while simultaneously shooting the elected officials in the head with pepper spray cans and "non lethal" rounds.Only then did some protestors engage. I watched in horror as the people who swore to protect us did this to my fellow citizens.

Why do I share this tonight? Because as someone with mental illnesses, the fact that this all began because a psychiatric emergency department failed to do their job is how this began. Daniel's brother called 911 earlier the same evening he was murdered because he didn't know what to do and needed medical help for his brother who was experiencing a mental health crisis. The police are the ones who showed up. Daniel ended up eventually being taken by ambulance to UR Medicine Strong Memorial Hospital. Once there he was given care for the episode he was in. Despite his family saying they didn't believe he was safe to leave they discharged him back to the family. They did not prescribe any medications, or anything. Nothing.
A few hours later Daniel entered another episode in which he stripped off his clothes and began running and fled outside the house. His brother frantically called 911 for help fearing for his brothers safety and wellbeing. Again the police show up. This time they take a man they already know is having a mental health crisis, they throw him to the ground while nude, they taunt him, put a hood over his head and kneel on his neck while laughing and carrying on. They take his limp body and put him into the ambulance and take him to strong where he is barely holding onto life and eventually succumbs.

This mental health crisis is not something new or out of the ordinary. It is a standard crisis seen in any area of health care let alone in society. The fact that a man died because his family did the right thing that every resource says and called for help is heinous. What does this say to every other person out there? What does this say in particular to black citizens out there? Even when they need help they have to stop and think of wether or not they will get it or die! They have to stop and considder wether an ambulance or a hearse with a gunman is going to show up and hurt them while they're already hurting. I am so heart broken. I am so offended. And I am so angry. I barely have enough words here to even describe this. #blacklivesmatter #DanielPrude #Rochester #MentalHealth #HealthCare #Trauma #justice #violence

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Here was my project for the weekend. Just something to brighten up the neighborhood and remind folks what's really important right now and always.

The quote comes from the Bible - Amos 5:24 but it was also one of my favorite camp songs growing up. Keep fighting for justice!

#Dailyinspiration #MentalHealth #SaturdayScribbles #ArtTherapy #ChronicIllness #MightyTogether