living

#living with PTSD sexual assault 25 years later. I was only seventeen it was my first day in a new neighborhood and they were the first people that I met besides the guy who helped us move. They didn't even live there but that didn't stop them from making sure that I was incapable of walking away. In the end I was able to Avoid them but that was because one of them took me back to his mom's house and his mom caught me in a " compromising" position with his brother. I was secretly glad when she threw me out because I didn't want to be in that situation in the first place. Yet I have never forgotten that feeling of being unsafe because the older brother wouldn't let me walk away. It still sometimes mystifies me how different these two young men actually were. The oldest was entitled the more I tried to pull him away the more he literally pulled me to him. Why did I go anywhere with him in the first place? I was afraid not to. There were two of them and only one of me. I was outnumbered. I was tiny back then. They were stronger 💪 than me overpowered and I guess that I was just not capable of pushing them away ( I have only one hand) no matter how hard I tried. The worst part for me was the fact that I was already nursing a broken 💔 heart and they literally said some of the same hurtful things that the person I once thought I was in love with had said to me. Every time I ever feel vulnerable or defenseless I usually despise the person that I think is trying to make me feel that way. I couldn't keep myself from crying most of the day.

I have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and PTSD.

As a child when trauma was occurring and when trying to "heal" from trauma i went into my head and created "fantasy" stories. The stories were always about a little girl who was experiencing severe trauma and somehow, someone would help her get beyond the trauma. Saving her,loving her etc...

I can understand doing that as a child to help get through my childhood. But,they still occur and I am 56 years old. I feel like I should have other tools at this point than "fantasy " stories. Sometimes I live mostly in my head instead of being present. I have tried writing them as a story to try to get them out of my head . But instead, they become more detailed, more elaborate and I can't stop going there as it is comforting. Yes I meditate and try staying present, I have a great therapist,DR. family friends support. And my life is great.no traumas no worries. The stories however pull me in. Does this happen to anyone else?

#living in a Day dream.

#living with ex...I am not doing the best job and I am frustrated

There's always a sentence, a song, a movie, anything... that makes me scared of dying. Even the times that voice tells me I shouldn't be alive, I am terrified of a day I won't be able to control it. I ask myself if I trust myself enough that day or I should try to be around people to distract my mind (and be watched... Just in case). I'm so terrified I'm going to die before I have the chance to live.

And then I think that my chance is now but every time I think I have enough energy to do it, it slips through my hands. Even the times I did have energy I didn't really live. So I blame myself for the lost time.

I feel like my whole life slips through my hands and it's all's my fault. I feel so guilty and unappreciative and it makes me hate myself even more.

I don't remember how to live and I just wait for the memory to come back but what if it doesn't? #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #living #Selfhate #MightyTogether