SelfDiagnosis

I'm finally mustering up the courage to create a master list of all the reasons I suspect I might be autistic. Doing so has given me the bravery to even write that sentence even on a platform where I'm an anonymous stranger.

Maybe if I'd started this earlier, I would've saved myself a year or more of obsessing, but maybe that time was necessary to finally prepare myself to do this. I've got a therapy break for the summer while I'm living out of the country, but I'm hoping that by the end of the summer my list will be in a state that I feel alright with giving to my therapist. The fear that I'll be told that everything is just my OCD is strong and horrible, but the more I hear others' stories and reflect on my own life, the more certain I am that I'm at least in the ballpark of correct.

So far I only have an explanation of how I got to this point as well as a list of sensory issues and stims, and I think that documenting the other things like social experiences, childhood habits and such (the stuff I'm less rock solid certain about) will be emotionally exhausting. But I'll keep working on this bit by bit, and it's in Google Docs so I can add to it any time another piece of evidence occurs to me even if that's in the middle of my work day or while I'm at the grocery store.

I hope this winds up being a good thing. If anyone wants to share their story with me in a comment, especially other adult diagnosed women, I think that might raise my confidence :)

#Autism #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety #Diagnosis #SelfDiagnosis #sensoryprocessing

29.08.2019 (a message sent to a friend):
“I think I suffer from BPD”

16.05.2022 (said by a doctor in person*):
“I’m diagnosing you with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Do you know what that is?”

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* = I cannot remember the exact words, but this was the gist of it

BPD is called EUPD here in the UK. I was told this a few months ago when I first started the fight for a diagnosis. I didn’t realise how long I suspected it until the other week, when I found the original message expressing my concern to my best friend.

I didn’t get the opportunity to suggest it to my doctor until I moved away from home. And after that, I had to gain the strength to ask about it. A diagnosis is final. I can’t think it’s something else when I get diagnosed. But, saying “I might have BPD” to explain my difficulties gets tiring. I wanted the certainty, not living under a self-diagnosis.

I have no issues with self-dx, especially since it’s what I had to go by for almost 3 years. However, being self-dx meant that it was just that. There was no certainty, I couldn’t argue if someone said “are you sure?” (thankfully no-one did), I couldn’t get help related to it. And I ultimately just felt uncomfortable.

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I wasn’t expecting a diagnosis today. Last time I mentioned it, the doctor didn’t seem keen, saying it could be bipolar disorder instead, among other potentials. Today was just supposed to be an appointment that messed around with my medication and looked at previous contact with the mental health services.

But I twigged about halfway into the appointment. When she started asking the questions. I met the 5 criteria she mentioned, and she didn’t have to mention any others. Even when I said one was probably a trauma response. I guess it was both.

It didn’t make it any less surreal when she said the words though. After 3 years to be told that yes my suspicions were right.

I’m not sure how a diagnosis will change things in terms of help. I thought maybe I would be able to be put on medication to perhaps regulate my mood, but apparently medication isn’t very effective. And I was already put on the waiting list of DBT. I guess we’ll wait and see.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #EUPD #Diagnosis #SelfDiagnosis #DBT