emotional neglect

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I feel like I'm going in circles and the worst part is that it's all invisible to the outside world

!!!TW!!! [Trigger Warning]: homicidal thoughts, animal abuse (!!childhood only and it was one incident!!), for pretty f*cked up things that happened in my childhood, and some that happen still. I'm sorry.

This will be a very long post, so feel free to skip it if you feel like it. I just don't know where else to post this anymore. Or how to go about getting help when nobody listens to me.

I don't know where to start. I feel like this life has never been worth living, despite not having it as bad as many other people currently. Thing is, I always manage to slip back into certain patterns and loops, and I'm tired. It diminishes the quality of my life greatly, and because of that I'd like to get help. But the problem is, it's so hidden that nobody considers it a problem. Not my close circle, or my SO, or even the psychologist I go to. Regardless, I feel like I have to explain my situation first. I think it all stems from my childhood, and my psychologist claims PTSD, so even though I don't believe it's only that, that's why I'm posting on this mental health platform.

My upbringing was mostly stressful. My parents were mostly absent, so my grandmother had to raise me. My grandma was always mean, moody, bossy and hot-headed. Since she was stuck with raising a child she didn't want to care for, she pretty much gave up on me. Refused to talk to me or appease my curiosity just as well as she failed to nourish my interests, beat me up whenever I'd refuse to eat something she'd made (because her cooking was god-awful and always had to contain raw meat which I despised back then (possibly why she felt she had to include it every time)). Constantly devalued, insulted my intelligence or even just doubted my ability to function. There were multiple attempts at gaslighting me about things I attributed to myself, some worked, some I saw through. Neglected me a lot emotionally while being hot and cold. Sometimes, she would do a 180, like when I'd start having major tooth pain and she would suddenly sympathize with me and genuinely feel for for me and make me sliced toast.

I think this was the basis for many things I feel (and don't feel) in my life currently. I detached from most of what I feel, never ever felt affective empathy in my life but pretended to, so she failed to instill that in me too I suppose. I always felt that my real self is dangerous to expose, so I created a false self instead, and now maintain it to the best of my ability. If it collapses externally, I collapse internally, cue another loop.

I do everything for short-term pleasure. I still do. It sucks because I can't maintain my connections because I just genuinely don't care about any of these people that walk into my life. I never truly bonded with anyone or liked them unconditionally and I struggle with expressing that to the outside world because I don't want to be found out.

It'll go great at first, like I'll be super charismatic because I'm amazing at talking to strangers because I'm never myself because I don't HAVE a self except the controversial one that would drive everyone away and so I hide it and everything looks good, but once that initial interaction with them becomes constant, I start thinking now that I have to be in character and it just kinda spoils them for me, so I ghost them.

If I can't ghost them and I still need to be in contact for whatever reason, and I'd witness the person does something that is a trigger to me - so whenever I'd perceive somebody think lowly of me, whether it'd be by underestimating me, taking me for granted, thinking I'm stupid, thinking they're better than me or more aware than me, misunderstanding me, misunderstanding the POINT of me or just plain not noticing me for a skill they'd normally notice in other people, I'd get these intense homicidal urges to just jump them because I'd start thinking that because they think that of me, they must be really self-absorbed (projection?) and because of that, "worthless" to me, and no longer deserved the time I attributed to the activity I was previously trying to make work with them. The same would happen if they started taking me for granted or just being arrogant for no reason, or they didn't and obviously still cared about me but in my head I perceived them to think of me as stupid.

Naturally I NEVER let anybody know about this, so nobody ever really suspected anything.

But it's still always a really miserable experience for me. I can't describe why it is, because I mostly don't feel anything during those times, so why should it be? But it's either an extremely good feeling in the form of a social high, or indifference, or this extremely unbearable feeling of indifference and alienation at the same time that more often that not makes me collapse and I have to excuse myself so nobody sees. Like I'll be socializing with them and suddenly I'll just feel alienated from them because they'll never understand me, they'll never see me in full authenticity, not because I oscillate between not wanting them to + exposing myself in full glory to get short-term satisfaction feelings (though that plays a part), but because they just have to BELIEVE that I'm this person my false self claims to be. They refuse to believe I could truly just not care about them unless they are beneficial to me in any way, they refuse to believe I could feel zero empathy because I always hide those things from them. It kills me inside because I want to be authentic with the world, but I can't because my authenticity would spell disaster for other people, on top of myself.

It also really doesn't help that I don't look threatening. I'm a woman, average height, with a ditzy persona. I have a sense of personal style which is quite eclectic, and all of this makes people open up to me naturally and in their mind we are great friends. When really it takes just one thing for me to go from indifference to despising them with all of my being to the point that I just want to strangle them for perceiving even once that they are thinking of me badly. But I still mask all of this, so like I stated multiple times in this post, nobody knows about this. End result, I come off completely unbothered and probably just like I have depression because I tend to cry really easily with anything (apathy, sadness, happiness, anger, jealousy, blinding rage....).

Or maybe they are just being ignorant of me because what do you mean I throw a family cat into the pool and nobody cares. Or my cousin into a nearby nettle field because I was jealous that her birthday was being celebrated unlike mine and although my folks are pissed, they don't take it as a sign that something is wrong (even though I was literally 8 years old at the time). Or I fully confess to the fact that I never felt empathy MULTIPLE TIMES, but just because I look like I do and I have a shit ton of cognitive empathy, everybody thinks I'm bluffing or delusional.

Fast forward to now and I just realize I genuinely despise most people I know. I'm extremely hyper aware about everything I do and it sucks, because I'm effectively a nobody in the end but nobody will ever know that, or even affirm that, because it looks different to the outside world. I'm selfish as fuck, but that's not me just being humble or depressed or anything, it's just genuine self-awareness. But I'll never get that confirmed. Not until I actually DO something that will warrant people to think I am the way I am. I don't want it to get to that point. I know exactly what kind of problem I have, but nobody wants to acknowledge that I do have it, and it's driving me insane. Please help me.

edit: grammar

#CPTSD #MentalHealth #Trauma #help #EmotionalNeglect #noempathy

(edited)
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I want connection, but I'm scared of it.

Hi everyone,

I just joined yesterday and I am really hoping to find a feeling of connection on here. But I have to admit, the thought scares me, too.

I have been struggling with mental health breakdowns for a long time, almost 20 years. The past 8 years have been a constant up and down with a big focus on the down. For the past 4 years I've been chronically ill, at home, unable to work and really unable to stay in touch with friends and family. To speak in diagnoses: cPTSD, ADHD, autism, some depression sprinkled in as well. The big trauma and neurodivergence thing I only found out about within the past few years.

I feel so isolated in the world of my brain, thoughts and feeling, it feels like no one will ever really get it. I get angry, annoyed, exhausted, when I am staying in touch with friends, but I also really crave connection. Do you get it?

I know I am mighty powerful and resilient. I keep pushing forward and standing up. I can take a lot. But I also just wish I wouldn't have to do it all on my own. Well, not entirely alone. I have a wonderful partner. But he is healthy (thankfully!), and therefore his brain operates a different way. And I? I don't want to talk to people. I don't want to open up. I don't want to commit. I don't want to promise friendship. I don't want to give. But, I also crave finding my tribe. I have to find my tribe. I want to find my tribe. So I can be understood and not have to explain anymore.

Will you have me?

#Trauma #attachmenttrauma #EmotionalNeglect #CPTSD #PTSD #Autism #ADHD #Neurodiversity

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How do you feel when open up to your therapist?
The last 2 days I was anxious about how my therapist could react; I've written about early intimate experiences with men in hope to find unconditional love.
I've only told 1 person about it before.

I'm kind of ashamed about it.

#EmotionalNeglect
#SexualAbuse

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Perfect Being

During my processing today I tapped into a thought that became a loving mantra in my head, much like hearing Robin Williams saying "It's not your fault"

I am a perfect being

There's nothing 'wrong' with me.
I'm a pure child of the universe (my version of Higher Power)
I didn't deserve the manipulations and trauma.
I didn't deserve the terror
My intentions have always been well meaning, they still are.
I AM a PERFECT Being

It's the Human part I'm struggling with

#EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #EmotionalNeglect #delayed development due to neglect and abuse

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Tapdancing Around Family

I grew up without that feeling of being enough, without being appreciated or loved for who I was. Nobody really cared or asked what I believed or wanted, felt or hoped for.

Being introverted and highly sensitive on top of it, it was relatively easy for me to fit into a role that was carved out for me, deemed acceptable enough by my family - luckily, I love my own company, was easy going, quiet and obedient. I was the 'good girl' who did what she was told and didn't ask or expect any different from the world around her. I didn't know that a different world was possible or how this world could look or feel like for a very long time in my life.

I knew that I had obviously failed miserably trying to be what was expected of me. At the age of 6 my mother told me that 'she should have thrown me against the wall at birth' after complaining that I hadn't done my daily chore to her liking... a vision that never quite left me all my life.

I had also failed to be loved by my father, I guess... why, as I found out much later in life, would he otherwise agree to not ever seeing me again in exchange of my mother accepting full blame for a failed marriage at the family court? Thanks goodness this is now a thing of the past.

So at the age of 8, I was dealt with like the cards on and under the table. Shuffled about to fit into their lives. Used as payback to each other and as a joker to hit the other where it could hurt the most... only it didn't do any harm to them, the joke was completely on me:

The day came when my father moved out and I had to say goodbye to my dad. I was told by my mother that my dad was moving out as he wanted to marry another woman who also had two girls from another marriage. They would now become his daughters and who he obviously loved more than his own. Any correspondence and presents for birthdays he sent to me after that disappeared before they reached me... I was told he didn't want to know me anymore.

I learned early that I had to perform to be accepted, agree with others opinions and needs, not only to be seen but also to survive. Growing older, I had no voice and didn't really know what that even meant. I was never asked about my thoughts or opinions, they didn't really matter and why would anybody be interested in them anyway!

In school one was asked for assertiveness, the need to question and discuss, but my voice remained quiet and mouse-like. Painfully dodging any way to be myself, to be in the light to shine or stand out to be who I really was. Always hiding in the shadows.

Sadly, I wasn't allowed to take the courses at school that interested me - art was not what my mother deemed acceptable, and my failure of good grades did not improve in those subjects she asked me to take, no matter how hard she tried to knock them into me during her drunken weekend sessions.

A small circle of friends, girls from my class who I could be with, talk with and be without pretence, were also not the ones she wanted for me. She put an end to that closeness by secretly asking the school to move me to another class. Apparently their bad influence stopped my achievements - it wasn't the drunken scenes, late into the night, or the sleepless nights when I huddled under the doona hoping she wouldn't come back into my room to let me know how much she had done for me and how little I did to repay her for it, all the time hoping to relax as I had studied for the test the next day but had no hope to do well after nights like these.

She didn't even have the guts to warn me about it but let me walk to school after holidays, looking forward to seeing my friends again, only to find out that I was the only one who had been moved into another class in which I didn't know a single soul.

It took a lifetime to find that voice that should have been - only now at the age ovf 60+ do I start to feel brave enough to talk about those days when I was not good enough, not loved enough, and could not find peace.

As I learned to control my outer life by being agreeable, my inner life grew, expanded, dreamt of possibilities and hated the shackles that were placed on me from little on. My voice was always in there. It was stiffled, but it was waiting to be heard. It was bent into submission, shaped into size and place to please others, no matter of the pain this caused to me.

Both my parents have since died and my sister, 7 years my senior, is no longer talking to me. As she explained to me once, that with my arrival as a baby everything became hard and difficult, everything and everyone in the family changed once I was around - happiness disappeared for her as our mother couldn't cope any longer and I was obviously the reason for that. She talked of a happy childhood, parents I don't recognise - all negative change was down to me. Hard to take, but there it is.

My repeated attempts to establish an adult relationship in the hope to work through and heal some of the wounds we undoubtedly both suffered over those fateful years, has been rejected by her and the only reason given to me was once again the pain I had enforced on her. Now by simply bringing it up and reminding her about it... I have the feeling that she cannot function without the masks.

Go where you are celebrated and accepted not just tolerated'... I believe you have to drop those masks eventually.

Much Love to you all...

#ComplexPTSD

#CPTSD

#PostTraumaticStressDisorder

#Introvert

#INFJ

#EmotionalNeglect

#Childhoodtrauma

#CumulativeTraumaDisorders

#Trauma

#PTSD

#Early Childhood Trauma

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Determination/Intrinsic Motivation

Here is your inspirational post of the day:

I try to make a concerted effort each day to heal the wounds of the #ChildhoodAbuse and #EmotionalNeglect that I experienced. Yes, the #SexualAbuse and #EmotionalAbuse left their marks on me in the form of #PTSD but that doesn't stop me. In fact receiving a PTSD diagnosis put a lot into perspective for me. It helped me to realize that what I experienced was that bad and it did in fact happen. That all the manipulation and gaslighting were wrong. But this post isn't about emotionally abusive tactics. Each day is a conscious choice to heal or not heal. Each day is a choice to break the cycle of abuse or not break it. Determination has to be what drives you to heal. I am determined to not let the past abuse interfere with my present, to not let it dictate my future. I am determined to heal so I do not pass on what I endured to others. Besides determination you need intrinsic motivation. This may be a bit harder to do because you need to know what drives you. Once you know this you can do just about anything. Remember my post on consistency? You need that too. All these things can help you to lead a fulfilling life despite the past history of abuse. I believe in you, now you have to believe in yourself. You can and will break the cycle of abuse because you can do it, I know you can. If I can do it, then so can you. Sure it takes time and effort but it is worth it. It takes digging up painful memories but it is worth it. You are worth it. So keep striving my friends. You got this.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalNeglect #ChildhoodAbuse #Trauma #PTSD #Hope #Healing #Inspiration #Determination #Motivation

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Words are the silence that can be spoken

After reading Tara Westover’s “Educated”, Paula Fox’s “Borrowed Finery”, and Alan Cumming’s “Not My Father’s Son”—Jeanette Winterson’s “Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?” seemed a natural progression of my literal literary journey through other people’s dysfunctional families.

Particularly as I have one of those myself.

I often find myself, leaning into that darkness; conducting a field study of sorts; of the lived experiences of others, to compare against my own. Desperately searching for clues as to how they managed to escape the chaos of familial dysfunction intact, or at least semi intact.

Doesn’t trauma do that to us all? We seek out answers, explanations, and ways to escape?

I always found my escape hatch in books, and I can tell that this one is going to be a helluva immersive read. To wit; I’m only on page 8 and already find myself awed by this excerpt:

“Truth for anyone is a very complex thing.
There are so many things that we can’t say, because they are too painful. We hope that the things we can say will soothe the rest, or appease it in some way. Stories are compensatory. The world is unfair, unjust, unknowable, out of control.

When we tell a story we exercise control, but in such a way as to leave a gap, an opening. It is a version, but never the final one. And perhaps we hope that the silences will be heard by someone else, and the story can continue, can be retold.

When we write we offer the silence as much as the story. Words are the part of silence that can be spoken.”

Looks like my weekend plans are sorted! What is your current read? 📚

#MightyBookClub #BookExcerpt #Books #Childhoodtrauma #PTSD #Trauma
#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder
#childhoodtraumasurvivor
#ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors
#Anxiety #Reading #Early Childhood Trauma
#ChildhoodAbuse #EmotionalAbuse
#EmotionalNeglect #EmotionalHealth

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What is enmeshment?

Enmeshment occurs in families where distinct boundaries do not exist from one person to the next. In essence, a child may be viewed as an extension of the parent and not allowed any kind of autonomy or differentiation.

One form of enmeshment is parentification, which occurs when a child is tasked with taking care of a parent’s needs whether because of divorce or mental illness and can lead to a child negating their own needs.

Here’s a great description of this type of abuse: Parentification: The Type of Emotional Abuse We Don't Talk About

Again, this is a type of abuse with which I am intimately familiar. My mother was divorced, had her own unresolved childhood trauma and struggled with undiagnosed mental health issues. Her inability to cope on her own meant that I was tasked with caring for her basic needs as a child and I never felt like I had a chance to actually be a child because I always had to be the responsible adult. That often leaves me feeling like I was robbed of an actual childhood and never really had the opportunity to develop a sense of my own likes, personality or individuality.

Have you experienced this type of abuse? If so, how has it affected you as an adult?

#Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #Enmeshment #Parentification #ChildAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #EmotionalNeglect #Parenting

Parentification: The Type of Emotional Abuse We Don't Talk About

"My childhood was stolen from me."
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What is emotional neglect?

Emotional neglect is a relationship pattern in which an individual’s needs are consistently disregarded, ignored, invalidated or unappreciated. It can occur within the context of any relationship, including but not limited to spouses, friends and parent/child.

Childhood emotional neglect is particularly insidious in that it can influence future relationships. Read more about CEN here: themighty.com/2021/06/childhood-emotional-neglect

I personally experienced this type of abuse with my own mother and it can be extremely confusing. You don’t realize it’s abusive until you grow up not being able to define your own needs or ask anyone for help because you don’t think you deserve it. Have you experienced this type of abuse? If so, how has it affected you?

#Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #neglect #EmotionalNeglect #EmotionalAbuse

How Childhood Emotional Neglect Can Follow You Through Life

You’ll find a community that has your back on The Mighty, no matter what health situation you’re going through. We talk about what health is really like — mental health, chronic illness, disability, rare disease, cancer, and much more.
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