Abuse

Please write about the Right to Die after 8 months of abuse, Suicide Awareness

Hi guys, im new to this group and i want to talk about how my trauma effects me because i dont have anyone i can talk to about it. First of all sorry for how long this post is gonna be.

I go by the name sprinkle (not my real name) and i turn 18 in a month and 1 day. I have experienced all different types of abuse but today i want to talk specifically about something that happened when i was 12.

At that age i was groomed online by a guy two years older than me. He abused me sexually and verbally, some of the things he did was making me send pictures, starting arguments over nothing every single day, threatening to "leave me", and he got me involved in kink communities that i should of known nothing about at that age. He also would drink heavily and he even lied to me about his friend having cancer as an excuse to get drunk. When he finally broke up with me i had enough and refused to get back with him. I blocked him and from that point he started stalking me online and harassing me with multiple other people. This went on for over a year and a half. He would threaten to come to my house and kill me. About a year later i got with a girl one year older than me who then raped me and after raping me cheated on me with my abuser. It was extremely traumatic for me. On top of that, my childhood best friend of 9 years at the time sided with him and helped him harass me. She would talk to him behind my back and tell him everything i was posting. My abuser also got his friends to make fake accounts to stalk my profile and tell him everything i was posting. He would frequently make new accounts to either harass me or send me massive BS apologies, which i never replied to. I threatened him with the police multiple times and it changed nothing. About a year or two later he made another fake account and catfished me to groom me again, even going as far as messaging himself pretending to argue with himself about the abuse. During that time while he was catfishing me, i was very depressed and suicidal, and he told me not to kill myself because if i did the police would go through my phone and arrest him. The first time he groomed me, he told me that if he met me in real life he would hit and rape me because he "cant help himself". He has admitted to me about almost raping another girl before and he would physically harass and bully her in school. She was younger than him and they used to date before he met me. He used to tell me to cut myself and send pictures to him because it was "hot".

To this day he still publicly posts about me almost 6 years later, using an old preferred name that he thinks i still go by (i dont). He makes posts "exposing" gross sexual things i did at the age of 12 as if he wasnt the same person who forced me to do those things. Its extremely triggering for me.

this situation still effects me to this day, i have nightmares about him, i am scared he will come and kill me. Im scared to post about the abuse or even post anything publicly in case he finds me. I cant live my life without being in fear. I am scared to exist online and because of him getting his friends to stalk me i have developed a lot of paranoia about people online. When i make new online friends i get scared theyre his friends pretending not to be. I wanted to talk about it here because this is the only place where theres no chance of him finding me.

i have made a massive effort of protecting myself from him and making sure he cant find me but i still live in fear everyday.

thats all, thank you for listening

This is basically my story, and it was difficult, but after 10 years of breaking free from enmeshment. I had to learn to get my own mind, live my life for me, and know no one else. Now my parents are no longer my biological parents, but now they are my stepparents; they lost that right emotionally years ago. #Abuse #CPTSD #BPD #PTSD #Enmeshment #MentalHealth

Well, I never knew it was happening until I got much older and someone told me about what was happening. #Anxiety #BPD #cpstd #PTSD #MentalHealth

Never knowing where someone else's heavy mood ends and your own nervous system actually starts. #CPTSD #PTSD #Abuse #Trauma

Modifying someone else’s behavior is not something I take lightly and those attempts to change a person, without their permission and participation, that is pure control and manipulation, no grey area.

The person MUST be involved and work with those building the goals.

I had a parent who would spray the child with a water gun anytime the child wouldn’t answer, it soon evolved into pouring it over the child’s head. Then submerge them, into a cold shower, all for the proper response, the parent felt the child should have. The child stopped responding all together. She never trusted her parents standing near her, again. She’d flinch, bite her nails, cover her head and coward down. Other times, freeze and not move. It could be in a store, a game or a random place. If she saw them approaching, it was ingrained in her not to trust them. She started defending herself and hitting the parent back. Then they blamed her.

I had an older woman who’d slap her own mouth closed with her hand. Her parent would cover her mouth anytime she’d start giggling and ruminating. I observed she was giggling at herself for mistakes, dropping things or being clumsy.Shed repeat what direction was given and talk to herself to cope. A lifetime brought her being silenced by her own, gagging her with the hand,to quiet in any setting. Now she used her own hand.Shed need reassured words telling her to laugh and repeat what she needs to cope. She’d cry herself to sleep, gripping her face, with hand over mouth.

I had a man who was abandoned by his own family. He was intelligent, wise and compassionate. But needed attention, when new people, came into his life. He knew what, that meant. He’d have to repeat and discuss everything again. He’d have to describe being forgotten, left and replaced. They treated him as if he had no memory of being forgotten. To be handed over, every two to four years, because you aren’t capable, fast enough, but you are socially accepted. Great demeanor and good overall health. But when questioned about, one day, his world collapses because his world was taken from him. Imagine one day, it is decided you do not matter, you have no say and they are placing you away from everything you count on. Imagine that without warning, every time.

I watched the system give an absolute evil woman her child back after CPS intervened. A woman who made money, off the system that is to protect children. She separated those who cared for him, divided families and his care team. His care was deliberately neglected, to receive more money. Years of notes and documentation wasted because of a family member’s lack of support. An entire family giving, loving and supportive but gave him back to the abusive parents. Because services were dropped.no $$. Two weeks later his legs were broken, on purpose, in order to get those services back.

I did not plan on having the children, that no one else could handle. Sink or swim was what I was told.

My first was Gage. At a year old his father beat him into a comatose state. Broke everything. The baby was in a body cast.

Aaron, his mother would leave him staring 2 feet from tv in a chair, for days, blind and combative behaviors, can’t be held or consoled.

Joseph was blind and I was his aide. People liked to rile him up, as if he was performative and this was wrong. Tell him to dance basically, for their amusement. Look how cute! No, he’s learning to be put on cue! Why do adults make children perform for them? It is not at the child’s benefit to be taught you need to perform to be acknowledged. A disability is not an invitation for a performance. Stop encouraging the act, the phrase.They are not there to entertain you.

RJ was rescued from a fire, by the mailman. He was trapped under a table in the kitchen. He tried making food for himself on the stove. He was 3. Feet and hands burned but the damage to his family, unreal. Grandmother was with them and couldn’t get to him.

Colin was my baby boy who had liver desease. I was with him and his family for two schools and many classrooms. His shy demeanor towards those he cared for most. He’d hide his smile, cry with a raspy voice and giggle when being naughty. He was an angel to care for. He had a blood issue and bled out regularly. So much blood. All health issues his family navigated with such strength. They amazed me at their care.

A little girl who’s parents were too old to be raising a child. 70’s They adopted her from their drug addicted son. Her mother a prostitute. She was born addicted and the child spoke like an old lady, being raised by them. She’d echo their fights.A seven year old like a parrot.Screaming, you’re trying to kill me! Imagine an old man yelling about dinner, but from a tiny girl. They chain smoked in the house, and she had asthma. She was smart but a sociopath child. It was alarming, her capacity for tolerance and nuance of behaviors at seven, she had already given up and was plotting against them.

I had a boy named Abraham. He was a little boy who had a sibling who hurt him, daily. He spoke of it to me daily. He was scared to return home, daily. I knew by his actions towards me, it was the worse case of abuse I’d experienced. His fear, panick and fight to not go back, came through on schedule. I wish I could go back and stop what happened to him. He was innocent and loving when safe. He adored hugs, talking about animals and drawing. He was a beautiful boy who deserved a life and I will always cherish teaching him to wait, to smile, to be kind and joyful towards others and they willingly will be friends with you, but you must be calm and kind first. He tried at home but when the environment isn’t reflecting those qualities, it is hard for a little person to remember the secrets to being accepted and loved. And when the one who is older, chooses to hurt you instead of protect you, there is nothing to emulate, try or have hope for.
He was defeated before he could even try to be better.
I was standing in the office when the notification came across my phone. I read the article and immediately blanked, because the name was too familiar. I typically would avoid learning my clients last names. It would keep a distance and keep parents at neutral, my own way of separating the work from getting too attached and involved. But every now and then, names stick. I went on my day. Later, I received another, message. It floored me. It was him and it was horrific and violent. I’ve never felt this pain before, the ache of loss like that.
I feel the exact same way when reality hits nowadays and it is still as if seven years, of my life, never occurred, be. I tried turning to others but they can’t seem to acknowledge the reality of what I did for years. They seem to think I was a babysitter, a daycare worker, or Direct support only. I was in behavioral health, for a reason and it was because I was good at my job, extremely good at it and I knew obtaining a degree in that field would expose me to the real awfulness of abuse. I cannot expose myself to, again. I was sorting out triggers, years of my own issues and carrying others secrets. It was something that hit me too hard, a reality of my own past, while I was advocating, from the neglect I had experienced myself. I asked, I begged and cried, actually and was dismissed, time and time again. That was damaging. That was my warning, to not turn to the family I was raised in.
Imagine carrying it alone and having the one’s you do, turn to, mock, discredit and minimize your experience?
And then, have them say I never accomplished anything in my life?
I was blessed with having helped dozens of toddlers,children, others gave up on.
And now, I’m recalling all of them, their names, when and where.
That is what I have accomplished, career wise and look to when I’m told, I’ve done nothing. It was a small period of my life but it was rewarding, fate and it was enough to show me a path forward.
I’m still learning what that is.

17 years ago I was prescribed a medication which I do believe I needed at the time. It was to be short term, and not related to my
mental health.
Every doctor and nurse appointment since then I have queried this medication and the need to still be taking it. I was assured that I still needed it even though it took me to some pretty dark places.
Finally three months ago a new doctor arrived. And this appointment was a life changer. Without being unprofessional, he was amazed that I had been on this medication for such a long time, and he changed me to a different one.
What a huge difference - my mind is now so much more calmer, the dark thoughts have gone and life is so much better.
If you can, advocate for yourself
Medication is so helpful, just the correct ones.
Only you know you 💜. Take care X

I am new to this group. I am in the active process of healing my complex wounds that occured from being sex trafficked by my parents from before three years old until 18. As well as neglect and every other kind of abuse. Last year my life came shattering down when an event as travel nurse occured with a patient that started the ball rolling where my past memories which previous I had none came back slowly and mostly through my body. This last year has felt at times like I was being tortured but over time I have become more comfortable sitting with the pain and I am starting to feel joy and peace for the first time ever. I would love to talk with others who are engaging in the healing process no matter where on the spectrum we are all different and heal at different paces.