Abuse

Anxiety about Msy 1st, and abuse Saturday night, I've been faithful for 19 years, I'm a tired mom, really really really down, tired, sometimes my kid used to bully for no reason, I don't get it, I cooked a meal and initially got yelled at, have no energy, and I'm tired, suicide actually does take people, it took my mom, she was a teacher for 38 years, it's 2 15 am, my energy low, I'm a mom trying my best, stop this, just Peace Mir Pax Imagine Let it Be Hey Jude Gratefullness Sadness, gratitude at the life I had, exhaustion, reverence, and an exit to all dreams, maybe death does part us duh, sorry, read, knit, cry healthfully, eat, make atmosphere, draw, write, pain t, remember, so many people lose, I take care of old people, they lost, I take care of a lot, now I'm broken really really, so tired with pop a plant and potatoes, I know too many p's, I'm so tired, sleep please, just feed your kids it's not that hard, don't hurt mom's n kids anymore, stay put if you have to, don't dream so much you take your life, just down, south side's far, and everywhere else seems further, we're ok, just a low, it's cold out, what's the John verse about marriage, yeah had that at my wedding, kind, patient, not boastful, in sickness and health ,wealth and student funds, arrests and freedom, tears and smiles, children and growing teens, faithfulness, how expensive is that 5 bucks twice a week, marriage, Celtic Eastern European knot, bratwurst sometimes, sometimes bliss, mostly just pain, but that's life, wouldn't leave my home, partner, kid or work, usually happy here, we are not playing fucking 21, Stop

Hi, my name is Havelah. I'm here because I've been struggling with triggers lately. Lots of old feelings creeping into new situations or relationships that don't belong. I've been in therapy a couple times and I'm always growing and healing, I guess I need more healing in this area. I'm a sexual abuse and assault survivor, along with domestic violence survivor.

#MightyTogether #PTSD #Anxiety

My childhood memories are sad and painful. Barely had moments of joy. I always was tense because I had to behave all week at school. The weekend was not fun either. There were chours on Saturday barely any fun unless with church outings. Ahhh! Sunday I had to be even more well behaved,as my mom’s child I had to be perfect. I realize mom is a narcissist. Now she is old and no longer has a magnetic strong hold on me. I married to a abusive man. Psychology abusive and verbally abusive and a hand full of times psysactly abuse me. It took a lot of time to heal. Yet I cannot talk to my therapist about my childhood trauma because she wants me to be present.

You have friends and partners that you can’t share your experiences. They quickly become overwhelmed. I call it overstimulated by the stories of your life. There’s always the rebuttal of your partner stating that it was the past. Or why you have to bring that up? Your inner child cries when witnesses similar stories in others. In a movie or show or a book. Yet no one wants to hear your story. I have to forgive,forget,move forward. Overcome,endure,survive. But never acknowledge nor cry your the victim.
But I am the victim! Why do people get mad when someone says they been victimized over others actions? There’s the saying “you allowed someone to hurt you “ I was a child! Doesn’t that count for something? No,survive,overcome and move on. Like if the scares and you’re whole character is built around the traumas affect. Not fair! When an animal gets hurt no one blames the animal. No matter how old that animal are. You have to allow at one time in your life mourn for the death of your innocent childhood. In order to heal. #Livingwithdepression #Caregivers #ChildLoss

#was not wanted and recently validated by my oldest brother. My abuser was my mom as I was growing up. Started with birth @ 1 1/2 pounds n very fragile. Died multiple times first years of my life. There were 4 more kids after me, one being baby sister that was adored by same mom.

When I was around 3, I remember a promise I made to myself, to never cry. That was 2 1/2 yrs after my sexual abuse began by a relative . I have since renounced that oath, but I still don’t cry. Even when I lost my husband of 35 yrs. I feel deeply, I just am unable to express it. I have learned to block all pain. I also have an extremely high pain tolerance. I realize that is where most of my mental and physical problems began. And now at 70, I am still trying to cry. Just now I can say, I’m weird, I’m unique, and I’m ok.

I would appreciate your input.

Since December I have began a very stressful journey of being a new me.
I recovered from laxative abuse and eating disorders which I’ve had on and off consistently for 21 years (I thought it was 19…until I did the math) scary that is!

The nurse practitioner I was seeing assured me that my problems were Fibromyalgia and that my stamina decline was likely due to Covid which I had in 2022. I honestly never thought that Fibromyalgia gets this bad. I had a mild version of it until now.
When I went to the river a while back in my chair. It was the first time being there independently since I moved back here in 2018. I never walked there once because I knew I couldn’t do it.
I rode along those old familiar paths and I couldn’t help but cry. I have memories of when I was a teenager walking my dog there every morning. We went EVERY morning. I was proud of how long I could walk. And when I went along there in my chair I couldn’t help but wonder what the heck happened from that time to now? I don’t recognise that girl anymore. To be honest I feel like I’m stranger to myself now because I’ve lost myself somewhere within those 21 years.
But I’ve decided lately that life is so worth living, I’ve decided that life is a gift!
I had that reality check when I had the kidney scare which scared me enough to recover from Anorexia.

I enjoy each breath I take now, I thank God I woke up this morning and that He was gracious enough to give me more time.
He has opened the Red Sea before my eyes so many times in my life…He is a merciful God. I don’t think we truly understand or trust His mercy because it’s beyond our understanding.

I have to come to accept new me. My painful me, my weak me…I have finally given my body permission to be fragile and it was all the more eager to take me up on that offer.

My brain still wants to do something and contribute something though. And as my Mom suggested maybe I should do some activities in town.
My town doesn’t have many activities to offer but maybe I could go with a group that has day trips? Maybe I could get out more independently and enjoy life as it is now. I feel more confident I’ll survive the trip now that I go in my chair.
My head is clear, it’s my body that no longer wants to come with me. I want to be able to do something each day, especially in winter when the days are so long and boring!

I’m just not sure how? I don’t know how to get involved with anything like that and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I’ve thought of going to the Trade Show this year but it’s in the arena and I’m not sure how assessable it is. I don’t want to be a bother to others and I’m not that interested in buying that new swimming pool on show. I just thought it would be something to keep my mind occupied.
Anyways, that’s all for now.
Take care Mighties! God bless! ❤️💕🦄🎨☘️