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VNS- D Day

in about 6 hours my VNS device will either be turned on or fake turned on for the clinical trial. Trying to be positive about it but feeling physically sick with anxiety. I know there isn’t anything I can do about things, in terms of whether I’m a control patient or receive the treatment, but I’m blinding grasping at anything I think could tip the scale in my favor- despite how illogical I know it is.
I guess this is the beginning of a new chapter on the bipolar rollercoaster ride from hell. Starting now I’m going to have to learn to live with the uncomfortability of the unknown, try to tuck it away in the back of my mind, and put one foot in front of the other and control what I can.
This will be the first day I’m going to actively engage with my illness and swim against the current.

#VNS #Bipolar1 #invisiblebattle #SinkorSwim

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What helps you stop #Selfharm ? These urges hit me strongest at night. Need some success stories/hope to motivate me. Something please. 💜💔💜💔 #CheckInWithMe #Hope #Battlescars #Breakingthehabit #Anxiety #Depression #Suicide #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #DistractMe #Willingness #DBT #change #SinkorSwim #Nighttimeblues

Last night I went outside in my back yard and just punched the air over and over while listening to my fav EDM (electronic dance music) Lol good thing I didn’t wake my neighbors.

What else works? I’m looking for quick relief. If I continue to self-harm, my therapist is going to reject me. We had a long convo about how I’m not following through on our commitment to call the crisis line or his phone. Even after hours I’m supposed to call as an accountability to using skills. I know I need to practice willingness to change. It’s hard work. I’m sure I CAN do this but I feel stuck. Help plz. 😓