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Mental Suffering #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety

I haven’t posted in a while.

In the time since my last post, nothing has changed...and everything changed.

My Father says that I’m in my 30’s and therefore I need “tough love,” ergo I should be able to solve my own problems.

As if I didn’t know!

As if I don’t already feel like a failure!

Everyday I am drowning in my own anxiety. Every second I can hear my heart palpitating, and feel the intense sickness radiating from my stomach.

Every night, if I can sleep #Insomnia, I am cursed by strange and confusing dreams, and when I wake up, I still feel tired.

I use #SocialMasking intuitively but even that mask is slipping and my #Autistic brother is being affected by uncontrollable behaviours.

I can see his anxiety growing everyday. He is quieter, doesn’t smile as much, and isn’t eating properly.

I, as his carer, therefore see my failure everytime I see his sad eyes: Sad eyes that only exist because of me.

And now, my previous employers have painted the worst possible picture of me as a defence against my claims (not unexpected) and that cackling tortuous negative voice residing in the middle of my brain drools in delight at every accusation.

There is no back up plan.

There is no way out.

There is no help.


Pyjama...week? #MentalHealth #worldmentalhealthday2019

Today is the 3rd day in a row where I have been living in my pyjamas.

However, I am not counting this as a warning sign for another psychological break but instead a sign of recovery.

I have never been in the habit of changing into “normal” clothes (as normal as my clothes can be considered when you own a pair of awesome Adventure leggings ... amongst others) if no one is visiting me, and I have no where else to be.

I know that still sounds alarming but as an #Autistic with plenty of #MentalHealthProblems I don’t always want to associate with other people, so I stay at home quite comfortably with myself.

After all, I can experience enormous amounts of stress and subsequent fatigue on my own and without outside forces.

So every now and then I have a pyjama day.

I relax with my chosen Podcasts, and my cats; do a little house-keeping; have a bath; change my pyjamas; and then continue.

Admittedly, having several pyjama days in a row is unusual but I am still wrung out from an entire weekend of #SocialMasking combined with finally being on the upside of 2 months of #Insomnia and an 18 hour stint of #emotional #Psychological probing needed to file a PIP assessment form.

Frankly, my brain needs the isolation right now.


Sick and Tired #SleepingSickness

Without my #Cats informing me that their meals are due, my schedule would no doubt consist of something akin to one of a night-worker.

Instead I subsist on a few hours sleep per night ( #Insomnia ). The evading rest with possible #SleepApnea combined with loving nudging mewing causes me to become more and more exhausted each day.

Today my batteries couldn’t continue (the image of swapping them around in the TV remote to eek out a few more moments of functionality comes to mind). By 11am I was feeling nauseated and dizzy.

My fatigue was exaggerating my #Autism as my subconscious couldn’t muster the ability to use #SocialMasking and the #Clumsiness attached to my #Dyspraxia kept causing me to constantly collide my flailing limbs with inanimate objects. #Forgetfulness is the bane of my life which is even worse when I am not just responsible for myself #Carer #AutisticCarer but it had reared itself up with surprising frequency in the 4 hours I had been awake so far.

I decide to be kind and relent on my usual rule of not napping when I can’t sleep properly at night, and give myself a few hours: followed by a relax in the bath listening to my favourite podcasts.

A quick recharge before real life had to continue.

However, when my alarm went off it was like my body was heavier than normal, my vision was unfocused, and my usually over-active mind was filled with one thought: #Sleep

My “kitten” kept watch over me like a little furry nurse-maid, giving me a quick nuzzle and a loving purr the few times I opened my eyes. Until the next meal-time eventually stirred my limbs into shifting into actual movement.

I thought about taking the evening off; having that bath, burning some incense, and catching up on of those long-recorded programs...but an email that I had forgotten for for the nth time reminds me that that nap was probably as selfish as I can be today.

It’s now nearly 7pm and I’m still going to have that bath ... but after dealing with reality once more.

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