Sleeping Sickness

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Believe and trust yourself, put yourself first!

I want to share some feeling here with you as I know many of us has experienced this.
Some weeks ago i was really bad, had #Anxiety , was #sleeping #bad, feeling bad, and so on, I guess you perfectly know this situation.
And during that time i thought i have a paranoia or sticky thoughts.Feels like some good friends in the workplace are cheating behind me, that something really bad is going on around me.
I thought it just seems to me, that people can't do such kind of things so I blame myself to have this unhealthy hesitations. I was trying not to fix this kind of action, I made me think "Maybe she has a bad day, or some personal issues", "She could not do that to you", "Maybe it's just a lack of empathy, nothing personal".

However, after some time this all turned to be true, every single thing, every single action turns to be a reality.
I don't want to tell a whole story here.. but now I have to find a new job.

So, all I want to say: Before blaming it on your emotional health, let yourself think that some people can really hurt you and make problems for you. It's not your sticky thoughts.
Believe and trust yourself, put yourself first and don't let them harm you!   #Anxiety
#Thoughts   #Paranoia   #SleepingSickness


Sick and Tired #SleepingSickness

Without my #Cats informing me that their meals are due, my schedule would no doubt consist of something akin to one of a night-worker.

Instead I subsist on a few hours sleep per night ( #Insomnia ). The evading rest with possible #SleepApnea combined with loving nudging mewing causes me to become more and more exhausted each day.

Today my batteries couldn’t continue (the image of swapping them around in the TV remote to eek out a few more moments of functionality comes to mind). By 11am I was feeling nauseated and dizzy.

My fatigue was exaggerating my #Autism as my subconscious couldn’t muster the ability to use #SocialMasking and the #Clumsiness attached to my #Dyspraxia kept causing me to constantly collide my flailing limbs with inanimate objects. #Forgetfulness is the bane of my life which is even worse when I am not just responsible for myself #Carer #AutisticCarer but it had reared itself up with surprising frequency in the 4 hours I had been awake so far.

I decide to be kind and relent on my usual rule of not napping when I can’t sleep properly at night, and give myself a few hours: followed by a relax in the bath listening to my favourite podcasts.

A quick recharge before real life had to continue.

However, when my alarm went off it was like my body was heavier than normal, my vision was unfocused, and my usually over-active mind was filled with one thought: #Sleep

My “kitten” kept watch over me like a little furry nurse-maid, giving me a quick nuzzle and a loving purr the few times I opened my eyes. Until the next meal-time eventually stirred my limbs into shifting into actual movement.

I thought about taking the evening off; having that bath, burning some incense, and catching up on of those long-recorded programs...but an email that I had forgotten for for the nth time reminds me that that nap was probably as selfish as I can be today.

It’s now nearly 7pm and I’m still going to have that bath ... but after dealing with reality once more.

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Cry cry

I always can rate how my day has gone well by how many tears I cry. Some days can be positive but some I can think nothing of myself.

Sometimes I can cry over the smallest things and then over apologise for being so sad. It’s hard for those who don’t know the situation but are quick to judge.

But sorry for what? Sorry for being sad? Sorry for being me?

How does anyone else cheer themselves up when you get triggered?

#BadDay #52SmallThings #AnxietyTriggers #Anxiety #Depression #breakdown #SleepDeprivation #SleepingSickness #Lifestyle #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth #MightyQuestions #Other



I am starting work in 2 days time. I am losing my sleep since last week. I dont know whats wrong with me. And today I am having panic attack every single hour. I cant relax. Whats wrong with me? My hands and feet are shaking like mad. I am breaking out in cold sweat. I am having fainting spell. I feel like vomiting whatever medications i took. i cant breathe normally. My head is spinning like crazy. I am hearing negative of my trauma pasts that I cant make it, I am stupid, I am a failure.... I dont know what is really wrong with me. Flash backs of whatever nonsense i went through is back.

#MajorDepressiveDisorder #PanicDisorder #Anxiety #Migraine #PTSD #SleepingSickness #SleepDisorders


The Last Day

The last day I wasn’t sick.. I don’t remember it anymore. I keep looking back to find the last day I was able to still use my arm without crying, walk without a limp, not have swelling painful joints and not need my pain medication to make it a full day or even when I didn’t cry myself to sleep.

I took the first 24 years of my life for granted.
I had heard about chronic illness and had a friend with chronic fatigue, I wasn’t blind to it but I didn’t think it would happen to me. Who does?
I had my own battles with mental illness and that was hard it still is my anxiety can cripple me sometimes sure but apart from that my health was genuinely good I had my appendix out at 18 and had my son at 21 that was traumatic and what I thought was the worst pain I would ever feel physically and mentally... I was wrong.

When did I last wake up without being tired?
Actually sleeping more then 2 hours?
Waking up without pain in the morning or in the night?
Not get tired from a shower or putting clothes on?
Go to sleep without pain?
Not cry from horrible pain?
Be able to go out and see friends or just go for a walk without thinking ‘can I handle this?’
Not have to remember to take all my medications.
Not be able to play with my son or keep up with him.
Not have monthly blood tests.
All the things that come with a Autoimmune Disease and Chronic Illness.

When was the last day before this happened to me? I remember I actually used to be scared of needles and blood tests now? I’m mute to them I’ve had so many blood tests, IV’s and injections I’m mute to them now..
When did this happen to me? I obviously remember days when I was healthy when my son was first born and when I was younger and happy but I just want to remember the last day I was really healthy before all this.
Did I take it for granted? Did I take my son to the park? Go out with friends? Spend it with my partner? Did I sleep all morning on a day off from my son? I just want to know, not that it would help it could make me feel worse I just won’t to know if I made the most of it and was happy and enjoying my then working body because I can’t do that anymore.
A part of me died when this happened to me and I can’t get that part back. #RheumatoidArthritis #ChronicIllness #Health #MentalHealth #Anxiety #AutoimmuneDisease #SleepingSickness #Family