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Shouldn’t I be happy?!

I’m a mom of a beautiful 5 months old baby. Yet some days like today I feel so unhappy. I haven’t been able to sleep well in weeks. The meds help me to not be so edgy all day but I still feel so crappy. I want to lay in bed and do nothing. I hate this feeling. Shouldn’t I be happy ? My baby is healthy and happy. Why can’t I be too #Tiredandhopeless


When I die

When I die, I hope I could make my husband fully understand that there wasn’t anything he could have done to stop me. He’s the best husband any wife could ever ask for. He gave me everything and supported me. Truth be told, he’s better off without me. I’m a bad wife. I’m a bad person. I couldn’t even bring myself to forgive myself.

If only I could be sure that the people I love won’t blame themselves when I commit suicide, I would already do it.

#Suicide #tired #tiredoffighting #Tiredandhopeless #Tiredofbeingtired #hopeless #Guilt

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Today I noticed that I feel like I’m always drowning. I put so much energy into trying to stay above the water. I feel this quote. Like they said they feel like they don’t know what’s going on in their own life. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to be happy. I want to put my energy into calling my family or doting on my fiancé or being carefree for once or spending time with some sort of friends.

I miss all these birthdays that I don’t know are happening. I miss all these other things going on. My fiancé has all these awesome things going on that I’m proud of him for but it’s like none of this registers in my brain. Nothing settles and sticks. It’s hard for me to remember what someone said recently or what they did. At work I get so distracted by all the overwhelming tasks that I can’t stick to my routine.

And I’m getting tired and exhausted. Like my soul and my bones and my joints and my entire being are just so tired of fighting. I’m scared that one day I’m going to get as tired or more tired than I’ve seen my mom get and that I won’t be able to keep fighting. I’m tired of fighting every single day. I forget simple things and tasks go undone.

I’m constantly drowning and can’t get ahead.
#Drowning #storm #Tiredandhopeless


What is it that helps you take the edge off of your anxiety at night? I also am hung up on #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm right now and need suggestions.

Please no illicit drugs or substances because I don’t want to take anything like that. Nothing has been effective really in helping lower my anxiety, so my doc put me on a benzo short term, it’s sort of helped but I find my anxiety spikes at night and I’ll get very overwhelmed and hopeless. I’m trying to calm down drinking hot tea but my mind is racing, body is shaking, and just want to release the tension but I’m also unable to focus on anything but wanting to leave this world because I feel like giving up. When you can’t find relief from the pain, it pushes you beyond your limit. #Tiredandhopeless #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder


I have the tendency to shut down when being criticized...

And I then my self-confidence is shot to hell. I want to hide all my insecurities from others, but I appear weak in the process. Apparently my mom knows exactly what soft spot to hit and I want to listen to her, because she does care, but she can’t be satisfied with just giving advice (btw that’s not asked for) but she has to DRILL it into me and make me feel like I’m incompetent and incapable of making good choices. It’s like she still wants to control my life, I’m almost 30! I know how I may not sleep early like the rest of the population and I don’t get started in the day til late, and it just irritates her that I’m not on time for appointments. She asked me “Why do you always not get up on time? Why can’t you be on time for anything? And why aren’t you able to go to sleep earlier? It’s so simple. You can change if you really wanted to. Why do you choose to be miserable?” Well mom, gee... I guess it’s because I’m fighting constantly to be alive practically every second minute hour of every single day, and I lose track of time in the process. so yeah I just put this out there because I’m irritated and tired of my mom ripping into my self-esteem as if I’m choosing to be unhappy and I’m only making up excuses to stay miserable. Ok mom. You think its a choice, that I like staying miserable, and don’t want to change. You really don’t know how it feels to be drowning in a pool of depression and guilt and plagued with extreme emotional distress that’s caused by my challenge to regulate my emotions because BPD makes it so much harder. Well yeah you don’t make an effort to understand so why should I make any effort to change. You can’t understand WHY I am the way I am until you really get to know my challenges and stop seeing them as MADE UP EXCUSES 😡 It’s been a rough night. I know I can’t control her reaction, but I can control mine! I just gotta make a consistent effort to not allow her opinion of me or the situation negatively affect my view of myself. I know I automatically think “I’m nothing but a complete failure” or “nothing I do or say even matters...Why should I matter to anyone” or “my feelings don’t matter, so I’m a nobody that no one cares about” when I get criticized... all those thoughts really screw with my head. I recognize why these thoughts come up, but I’m struggling with challenging them. I know they are not based on fact, I just feel so hopeless when dealing with criticism. How do you even begin the process of challenging these intense self-defeating thoughts? #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Tiredandhopeless #CheckInWithMe 😩

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