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Sometimes I wish he had just #beaten me up. #MentalHealth

I'm a #surviver . I had a mentally abusive boyfriend for year. When you're in it you don't really notice. That person is everything. You're entire world. Until that person is done with you. Then they just trow you out like carbage. I still remember how I felt when that happened. I had nothing. I felt so incredible alone cus' he was my world. My everything. I had no friends, didn't really talk to my family and had no idea who I was. 21 years old and completely lost in this big world... At some point I didn't wanted to live anymore. I came so close of just ending it all. To let him and the rest of the world know how much he had fucked me up. But I didn't. In the end I wouldn't give him the pleasure of winning. I was better and #Stronger than that. I lived a couple of years basically conjuring the world. Didn't let anyone really see the #damage I had inside me. Not even my family. People knew I was hurtig but I think most people just believed and still believe it was a bad #breakup . This would also be my family as well. But after almost 5 years it's still there. Everyday I learn something new about what he did to me and the #consequences of it. I don't really trust people, I like being alone cus' then there's no one to hurt me, I've lost faith in humans, I'm struggling with #Depression , #Anxiety and still sometimes thoughts of #Death , I get #overwhelmed so easily and believe the worst in everyone, I feel so #replaceable and #Unimportant all the time. This is something I'll always carry with me and I'll always have to work and deal with. But no one know how much it really affects me. Only me, my psychologist and shrink. Not even my own family. If they did my brother wouldn't have invited him to his wedding. My brother and ex were friends before we started dating and became friends after he broke up. And I know for sure if my brother knew how much damage he had done to me he wouldn't have invited him to the wedding. Sure I've seen my ex after he broke up but this time just hit me so hard. He came into my family. What's supposed to be my safe space. And it all just came back. The feeling I had when he broke. If it was any other than my brother who had made me feel that way I would have bloked them and threw them out of my life. Sometimes I wish my ex had just beaten me up instead. So people could see the #bruises . See the hurt. So I would have evidence he is a monster. So people would understand. If he had just beaten me up people wouldn't make me be in the same room as him. They would respect I wouldn't wanted to see him or in any way have him in my life. Now people just think it's a bad breakup I just couldn't get over. But it's so much more than that. You wouldn't put a murder and it's victim in the same room wouldn't you? So why is it OK to put me and my ex on the same room? I almost killed myself because of him. He is my murder. So yeah. Sometimes I really wish he had just beaten me up on the outside and not the inside... #Abusive #relationship


Feeling so alone and ignored #CheckInWithMe

I don’t know what’s worse. Being seen and ignored or that I’m so unimportant that my existence doesn’t even register to anyone. When I came here I thought it would be different. I thought with everyone having similar feeling as I have that people would take notice. I feel like I scream and no one bothers to even look up. I guess it would mean they would have to acknowledge my existence. I thought people would actually “check in with me”. Like so many things in my life, I was wrong.

I know there’s a lot of people on here and a lot of post. Logically I understand that my post get lost in the bigger picture. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I just want to matter. I just want to be noticed. I’m not sure why that’s such a horrible thing. Sorry

#Depression #Ignored #alone #Unimportant