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Unsolicited advice and other kinds of unhelpful help

This is story about something I cannot process. Recently I chatted with my friend and shared some basic informations why I left city. I didn't ask for advice, help or comment. I just shared informations because I wanted to, not expecting following conversation... Reasons for moving to other town and leaving some family members are abuse, violence and mental health problems as result of abuse. I am drowning in PTSD symptoms, depression, panic and anxiety. I cannot live normally. I am visiting psychiatrist and taking my meds.

So that person asked me "You don't have strenght to be support to your family members?"... It left me speechless. Next messages were about how I need to work so I will less think about my problems and myself. That person gave me advices, suggestions and words which left me angry with urge to write very unpolite and ugly things. In the end I apologised for my bad reaction to her words. My reaction wasn't fine even though I have every right to be angry, to cut off that friendship and say goodbye for forever.

I am still mad. It's because someone is pretty insensitive about pain and problems of other person and acts as she doesn't even know what terms as abuse, trauma and violence mean. Just because I left it doesn't mean I am selfish. Actually, that's an act of love for myself. Just because I left it doesn't mean I don't support some of my family members. I had to leave because I need to save myself before it's too late. Because I don't want to be in presence of violence, abuse and constant triggers anymore (aren't years enough?). Every person has right for life in peace. Person who told me these things didn't have bad intentions but it doesn't matter because pain is pain. Words can hurt even when somebody says them with good intentions. I wrote to that person that I am not searching for advices, I am just telling her what happened and that's it. She could write many validating things. She could just not answer because silence is sometimes greatest answer when you speak about wounded heart and mind-but she didn't. She commented as she is some kind of expert. I am not able to work a the moment due my mental health problems and other things. My mental health problems won't be "cured" with work. My problems aren't product of too much thinking. My problems and traumas will not disappear if I don't think about them. These comments suggested like it's somehow my fault. It's not my fault and I deserve help. I am not selfish because I left. I have every right to be unwell, ill and broken. It is how it is.

I decided not to open my heart and talk about my traumas anymore. Not even about some general informations. At least for now and maybe forever.

#Trauma #UnsolicitedAdvice #Abuse #DomesticAbuse #Depression #Anxiety #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #Pain #suffering #emotionalpain


When People/Family Still Don’t Get It

#Fibrobeast #Fibromyalgia #RheumatoidArthritis #UnsolicitedAdvice
So my 80something year old Mother has come to stay with us. I have joy, excitement, frustration, anxiety and angst about this.

I’m feeling a bit guilty because I yelled at my Mom after she gave me some unsolicited advice on a BAD DAY. I was on a need to rest more than anything flare/activity hangover can’t get up from the recliner kind of day. I was hurting from the top of my head down to the soles of my feet!!! I was getting out of the recliner to get something for my husband and to make a long put off trip to the bathroom and of course I made the pain noises and grunts that often accompanies this action. My Mother goes right into her mom knows best, former nurse routine and says, “I know you hurt but you still need to move and sitting there only makes it worse.” She says this like I don’t know it and haven’t heard it thousands of times!!!

My reply, “Mom I know that movement helps; however today isn’t a movement day for me.”
Mom: “You’ve got to move!”
Me yelling: “Mom I have more than osteoarthritis!!! I’m having a BAD flare day and everything hurts so don’t try to tell me how to feel better! I’m sick and tired of people who don’t have a clue trying to tell me how to function!”

I felt bad for yelling so when I came back to my recliner I apologized for yelling. Later that same day she comes back from her short walk to go smoke because she can’t in my home or community. 💯 % Smoke Free Community.
Mom: “It’s warm in the sun. You should go stand in the sun so you can feel better. The warmth of the sun will make you feel a lot better.”
Black families sometimes have a very difficult time understanding this kind of pain unless they’ve experienced it themselves.

Me Calmly: “Mom that’s not going to make me feel better. I’ve been in the sun everyday for the past two weeks and it hasn’t helped yet. In the past two weeks I have taken four plane rides that add up to 12-13 hours, taught my lectures for about 14 hours, taken my daughter to numerous medical appointments, picked you up from the airport, run errands to stores over 7 hours, taken you everywhere you’ve wanted to go in the four days you’ve been here. On top of that I’ve done it all with a pain level of a constant 6-7 on that dumb scale with occasional 9s interspersed and less than four hours of sleep each night. Today I’m at a 10 pain level which really feels like a 15 to me so please STOP trying to fix me!!! Let me do what I NEED to do for me which is to sit here watch tv, nod, take medication and REPEAT.”

Guess what? She still doesn’t get it and is telling me about everything thing people she knows have to say about dealing with pain. Then she got upset because her over 50 year old daughter (me) told her that I’m trying to get a medical marijuana card to see if that will help.