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yesterday I felt so beautiful and had a great day. today I feel so fat and ugly. I don't want to be in my own skin. I hate these days. #why #hopeless #wanttodie



so today I experienced my first mania episode in a long time. and I was all over the place. I was talking louder than usual. it lasted for about an hour. so yeah that's how my evening went but it makes sense. I had a manic episode 4 days ago and have been very irritable ever sense. this manic episode happened after I took my clonazepam in the morning. then taking another quite a few hours later but it didn't work I still blacked out from being so angry and the most recent thing from the episode that I remember is my dad shoving me to the ground and holding me there while screaming at me. looking back now I don't remember what he was saying but I was in pain for 3 days from whatever he did. So that's how my weeks going. Yeah. not ready for depressing state to return. #angry #wanttodie


Thoughts kept to myself

One of the most isolating and irritating aspects of having irrational thoughts caused by anxiety is feeling like I have to keep it all to myself. It's rare that I can express an irrational fear out loud without someone over-explaining to me how much that particular thought doesn't make sense or even worse when someone gets up on their high horse and berates me for "not being confident enough". Having anxiety isn't about low self confidence(although at times it can be). Having someone smirk and smugly proclaim how "sure of themselves they're at all times" is not only unnecessary and pompous but it's just making the whole thing about them. When someone confides a personal anxiety in you, your first reaction shouldn't be to laugh and start ranting about how much more "well adjusted" YOU are. It's important to validate THEIR fears by acknowledging that it still affects them no matter how irrational it is and that you are there for them in that moment. Most people aren't asking for their anxiety to be "fixed" when they express those thoughts out loud... I think that most people just need to be heard. Sometimes it's better just to say the thought out loud to release it's power from inside your mind.

#Anxiety  #IntrusiveThoughts   #phobias   #invalidation #Isolation #SensoryProcessingDisorder #wanttodie

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If you have thoughts of dying everyday but not suicidal (have not done anything to hurt myself), would that be considered #Depression ?

This started in 2016, when after a break up with a long distance boyfriend, I started to have thoughts of wanting to die. Maybe because I have lost hope in life and I felt God was angry at me for not following His will for my life - I stopped going to church, praying and leading worship, I unbelieved God (I dated an atheist) and I stopped reaching out to people. In 2017, I went back to attending church, joined a small group and all other activities that will help me reconcile to God. But still I have these thoughts of wanting to die and not wanting to go through pain and heartaches. #wanttodie