wanttofeelnormal

Everything is on my mind currently. Wishing there was such a thing as wishes. When I was not medicated or diagnosed with Bipolar and Schizoaffective Disorder, I was all over the place with my emotions. My thought process was not right and so I made some hasty decisions that I still ruminate about to this day. Those decisions changed my life in not a good way forever and I'm having a hard time letting that go. Today I feel frustrated as heck because I am Bipolar and Schizoaffective. I'm viewed differently because of my diagnosis, but I'm still the same person I was then. The difference is medication is helping me manage the diagnosis. If I had known all those years ago that this is what was wrong things would've been different. How do you let go of that?
#Bipolar #Depression #schizoaffective #rumination #Anxiety #wanttofeelnormal
#Needtoletgo

I’m lost, and getting worse. I have never been depressed before 2019. At least I didn’t think I was. But now I know it started about 2012 when my marriage started to fall apart. I spent the next 2 years trying to hold it together. I failed. Or rather he didn’t want to give up alcohol. I left in 2014. I tried for 23 years. I met someone amazing. And he still is. But I’m failing again. This time it’s me. I’m lost I’m overwhelmed and I can’t find me. He is so supportive. We moved my mother in with us. She had dementia. She moved in feb 2019. Se was in the hospital for various reasons from sept 2018- dec 2018. Then we moved in with her to take care of her. Then brought her here. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t sleep at all, I have chronic pain which believe it or not I miss because my mental state is so bad I can’t feel it anymore. I miss feeling my pain. If I could feel it I would be normal. It’s not gone though because it is there when I have moments of clarity. My pain is real. It’s autoimmune and car accident based. Can you understand what I mean?
All I do is feed her and take care for her immediate needs and go to my room. And repeat until it’s bed time. I can’t get the energy to clean my house, have sex, be a partner. I just want to disappear. I love to draw and read and listen to books and I hate all that too right now. I can ask for help. Who will help?, not the doctors right now, mine is an idiot! 100%. I am not going to a hospital (covid) and doctors won’t see you otherwise. I’m not suicidal because who would take care of my mom, and my son would be so fked up if I did. I watched him after my ex threatened. I’m just so lost and falling apart bit by bit. I just sit and cry when alone and get snippy when I’m not.
I can’t take antidepressants at all. They literally make me want kill people. No joke with in one dose I will plan murders from how to do it and get away with it. I never think that way otherwise.
Does any one else feel like this????
I’m so scared. If I do sleep I am waking up bawling and don’t know why. My dog has become clingy to me only as if he thinks he has to be. He shivers while I hold him and begs to stay in my arms.
I’m destroying everything I touch.

#despair #lost #missingmypain #wanttofeelnormal

Need out of my head. #overthinking

Out of control and spiraling deeper into despair. #severedepression

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