despair

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    Powerless

    I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

    The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

    I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

    12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

    Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

    My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

    #power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor

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    Self Imposed Prison - Trapped in my own mind

    When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

    The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

    Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

    While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

    I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

    #Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

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    University, the future, hopelessness

    I have 12 days before my first exam and I am not prepared at all. The unpreparedness has been hanging over me for the entire semester, I hate studying and I do not know what I will do in the future. My boyfriend said "Last year I told you it'd get better, you would be more focused, etc. But I am actually quite surprised that it didn't". All while he is trying to help me, I think he has no clue about how mental health works, and I did not choose to be bad at my studies or feel so sad all the time. He analyses stuff that do not require analysis. I think being sad in front of him is a big mistake. It is just frustrating despite the fact that I did not expect him to understand me. I think everything just got worse when I started sharing my problems with him. He doesn't understand me at all. #Boyfriend #Relationships #relationship #School #studentlife #study #studies #Education #Anxiety #future #Career #MentalHealth #despair #Sadness

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    Grief defines me…

    I came across this - ‘sometimes in grief rock bottom so feels like home than a place of discomfort & joy is the scarier emotion.’

    So is one’s sense of reassuredness obtained more in our seeming gloom, grief & misery? Is pain and anguish the overarching and more truer condition of our living? Not sure which philosopher it was - Schopenhauer or Spinoza or Kierkegaard who had a similar premise but speaking for myself, all the loss, defeats and shame I have endured, suffering has been more determining of life’s trajectory. Even as i cannot but acknowledge few moments of exaltation, joy and contentment, the larger narrative of misery and despair renders me deeply suspicious, indeed dread whatever seeming moments of happiness that objectively speaking is on hand. For example I should be elated today for my book has finally been published. But the occasion has only made my deep sense of loss more pronounced, absences of folks I hold very dear more acute and my grief so apparent.

    The existential crisis - of loss of meaning, of no emotional peg to hold on to, the hollowness of positive affirmations, emptiness, the very collapse of hope, the uselessness of faith, sacraments & prayer - is so permanent, structural, so default that the so called affirmative, hope inducing path not to speak of so called moments of celebration & joy, appears so misguided & pathetic.😕

    My ex is descending into vegetative state and i’m unable to provide any succour or reassurance to her…😢I love her so deeply…being with her was much more than being with a person…there was our house, our beautiful garden, our soul enriching dogs…it was elevated living in every sense of the word all coming together in her. In her presence, company I grew, my soul nourished and my spirits soared…But her ailments consumed her reducing her to an existence of excruciating pain (people can’t even begin to comprehend how debilitating her illness is) and agony. Yet she braves it all. She doesn’t want to give up. i still can’t & couldn’t deal with her suffering. And she couldn’t deal with my suffering me & she insisted on separation . I failed as a care giver. I felt so then and I feel so more now. Is it my love morphing into something evil that is causing her to suffer? To love is to suffer as someone said. The painful poignancy of it all. The appalling conditions of existence with its ordeals, misery & aches being showered on few in unrelenting flow🤦🏽 if my condition is such, imagine what she is undergoing saddled with both excruciating mental & physical condition.

    The free who may have been following my posts here would probably figure my drift. Most may barely comprehend what i’m babbling about. I often don’t comprehend it myself. Figuring all these in isolation & loneliness is all I have for attempts at reassuring me by few (maybe well meaning) with bare cognisance of such travails, shame & suffering has been more damaging… most don’t even bother or attempt anymore. They have had enough of my moping & lament and my seeming inability to get over for many years now. But this grief is my own and overwhelming and i won’t allow anyone to trivialise it.

    For as things stand i’m my own best friend, counsellor, confidant even as I’m my own critic & enemy. I dedicate the book to her - the endearing, bravest soul I know notwithstanding being rejected. The research, the writing, the readings, the visits, my work…all that the writing of the book involved her presence was constant. But it was no therapy. Today the despair and anguish has only flared up. What satisfaction or contentment leave alone celebration or joy when the most dear to me not around…?!!😢 I do want to be cherished, hugged and in the least desire quality time of deep conversation, over food, drink and drives -things which did transpire between us for sometime but alas ! Very voodoo of life undid it all and in certain viciousness! 😔 #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #Pain #Rejection #Shame #despair #Depression #Loss

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    Trying to Live

    I am trying to live with a mind that's constantly high or low; with no in betweens! Sometimes it's hard to face myself. Sometimes it's just hard to live, period.

    I wake up to fight the same demons that I fought yesterday; it's a daily struggle! I'm just trying to live in this world but I must admit that these suicidal thoughts paralize me sometimes.

    I know that on a physical level I'm alive but on an emotional level I feel dead inside like I am ready to collapse because I'm drowning in my sorrow and pain. . . .

    Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is very hard to accept because people judge you and try to make you feel like you're not normal; in reality normal doesn't exist anyway.

    Having BPD and dealing with such intense emotions and struggling to even know who you are sometimes can make one feel hopeless honestly speaking but as a suicide attempt survivor I am not going to give up this fight!

    Yes; trying to live with BPD is extremely difficult but I know I am not alone. I know I survived for a bigger purpose than myself. I know that I am more than my diagnosis. My identity is not defined by my mental illness.

    I am trying to live, to do better, to survive, to have hope, to love again, to dream again, to fight, to be strong, and be brave in this life.

    Because as long as I am breathing, there is life in me and that means there is purpose in me and I will never give up on that and neither should you.

    We can fight this. We're in this together!

    #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Trying #Suicide #SuicideAwareness #SuicidePrevention #Life #SuicidalThoughts #youmatter #fight #notalone #keepfighting #NeverGiveUp #Pain #sorrow #despair #Depression #BPD

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    I’m losing myself

    I don’t know what to do anymore. No docs can figure out what is going on with my body and it is progressively getting worse. I am so down and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have so much to worry about and my son was diagnosed with MS recently.
    I don’t know where to turn. #Needanswers #lost #despair #healthworsening #Pleaseprayforme

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    The great fear of even a tiny sliver of hope…

    A kin of mine empathizing with my loss, failure, shame and implicitly recognizing the legitimacy of my grief and depression and also possibly figuring there indeed could be something of worth in my professional experience, is trying to help
    me out. But why am i not enthused? Indeed i'm scared...if my past is anythingto go by having been so comprehensively undone - repeated and vicious jinxes, calamitous setbacks and humiliating
    failures, I'm so devoid of hope, faith & trust
    in all its entirety. More so anything involving bringing my 'being' into equation...particularly interacting with others, reaching out, engaging both at personal and professional level all went south and the outcome left a stench of such putridity that continues to leave me with a sense of revulsion and self loathing. Indeed most of my friends and kins too in similar disgust, probably seeing my misery as my just desserts have abandoned me to nurse my grief, shame and loss in complete loneliness. Even as my cousin finger holds me to face up to something new, I’m gripped by fear…am i nuts or what given the one big learning from my sorry life is that it doesn’t take much for the powers that be to bedevil me? And by powers I mean even a two year old and the otherwise most wretched can easily cast their worst on me. Let me not even bring the almighty here. Those who have followed my earlier posts would know how much of despair, anguish and lament I’m filled with and the insurmountable difficultly I have coming to terms with my new normal. Can i take another lashing on my deeply lacerated mind and soul?😟
    #wishmeluck #despair #Anxiety #Fear #Shame #Misery

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