If someone is selfish/mean/rude to me I need to leave the ownership of it with them. It's their problem. Not mine. As soon as I begin to make it personal I've created a problem for myself. Up until that point it's their problem. Their issue to deal with - or not, as they choose.
When I make it personal, about me, it becomes mine. Then I have to deal with it. And there's no way I can deal with it. Because it's not my problem. The only one that knows why it happened is the other person. They are the only one who can fix it.
I create suffering for myself as soon as I make it about me.
Because it's not about me. It's never about me. People react from their own issues, their own beliefs and feelings. They say and do things based on those beliefs. I don't even know what they are - how could I possibly resolve them?
I am learning to observe more, react less. If I see it as their problem, the reaction becomes less. Because it's not about me, it's about them. As soon as I feel myself begin to react it's a very clear signal that I need to stop and recognise what I'm thinking. Am I blaming myself? Do I think I deserve it? What are the thoughts and beliefs going through my head at that moment?
I need to STOP. I say STOP in my head. I switch the thoughts off. When I feel less threatened I examine the thought that made me react. Maybe I believe I've done something to upset them or their behaviour towards me is justified I some way? That I somehow deserved their anger? I challenge that thought. I remind myself that a thought is not a fact. It's often not even true.
I used to blame myself. I believed it was my fault. Always. When someone was angry I believed I must have made them angry. If they were hurt, I had hurt them. Then I would try to work out what I had done. I would go over it in my head, in an endless loop. I would think about the times we spent together- did I say something? Did I do something? What could it be?
Obsessive thinking (rumination) is part of anxiety. My thoughts would get stuck in a loop, going over and over the same thing, in case I had missed something. I was convinced there was something to find, and if I just looked hard enough I would find it. Because I thought it was my fault. I was caught in an endless trap of pain and hurt that I kept trying to understand, to work out, to make sense of.
I can never find the answer to that question. I do not know why someone reacts with anger. I cannot read their mind or understand their motivation. I don't know what they think or believe. If they have a problem I need to accept that. They are feeling angry/hurt/sad or whatever else. That's okay. Their feelings are based on their own thoughts and beliefs and are nothing to do with me.
It's not my problem.
#Anxiety #Depression #rumination #overthinking #MentalHealth