This is my 1st "thought post" that I have done on this website. I have just sat back & read a lot of other posts most of my days since discovering mighty. Honestly, I have no idea what to say or how to even begin to say it, never mind trying to write down how I am feeling or going through. I am absolutely exhausted, mentally & physically. I have been for the majority of my life. I lost both of my parents on July 18th, in different years but on the same day no less. It will be 13 years for my father & 5 years for my mother. I lost my dad to suicide & I am still dealing with it, for a lack if better words. A week ago, I got a call that the only remaining brother of my dad (my uncle) had taken his own life in the same manner as my dad did almost 13 years ago. I know that July 18th is and always will be a real shitty day for me, but on top of everything that I'm dealing with, getting that phone call about my uncle brought back so many feelings that I guess tried to move on from in order for me to cope. I am really struggling. I have always struggled, even since I was a little girl, so I have come to be familiar with having a shitty life & just fucked up shit happen to me no matter how hard that I tried or try to better my life, to change the dialogue of this viscous cycle but this time around, things just feel "different", I can't seem to shake this black cloud that has been following me my entire life. Maybe it has to do with me just simply getting older in age where I just can't pick myself up off this ground anymore. I am all alone. Now I know that there is a different when you " feel"alone & actually physically alone, with no one that is there for you. In my case, it is very much both of those!! I literally do not have anyone!! Everyone that actually gave a shit & shown it by their support & all around actions are all dead now. My health is declining, I can no longer work, I have been fighting to try and get help with health insurance coverage so that I can in fact see medical professionals for my physical and mental health but all of those efforts have been exhausted!! I do have 2 siblings that I do not speak to & to be honest they are extremely evil & toxic. The last time that I tried to reach out for help to one of them, they actually told me that I should kill myself cuz I am a waste of life... So yeah, that is one a the kind words they have spoken to me or anyone that has come into their lives that they have completely destroyed!! So what do I do now? What is left? I have nothing else to look forward to. I thought that it would be good for me to help others that have been in a similar situations as me, especially dealing with the loss of someone dying from suicide, but then I thought, "I need help to". What good would I do anyone else. Ok. Done ramblimg.
Latest
