AloneWithThoughtsIShouldntHave

I am in a constant battle with myself, my thoughts, my feelings. I can't control my mind. If my bf doesn't show me the proper amount of attention, which I'm not sure what the proper amount is btw, I fall to pieces and swear he doesn't love me anymore. Did he ever love me to begin with? Am I just a game or a sick joke? Am I even worth living? I feel an uncontrollable urgeto self harm. I haven't done that since high school. Drugs took the place of self harm. I try and I try to make myself feel differently but it never works. Idk how to even carry on a day when I feel this magnitude of worthlessness. I want to be wanted, I want someone to miss me when I die. As of now I'm pretty sure no one would even notice if I killed myself, or if I just died. No one would care, no one would even think twice about it. I have no family, I have no friemds. I have nothing, noone, and not a single person in my corner. Death would just be easy at this point. Idk who or how I'd get buried?! The only thing that helps with these feelings are Xanax, lots of Xanax and unfortunately I don't have insurance so I'm up shit Creek without a paddle, just being drug along by the current in which ever way it sees fit. My bf caught me cutting yesterday and threw my razor out the front door. I just wanted to feel something different. I hadn't cut myself since high school but puttin the blade thru my skin was a relief feeling. it only lasted a sec B4 the blade was gone. We all live just to die. why can't I just hurry up and die!? #SuicidalThoughtsAndTendencies #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharmrelapse #Cutting #whyisitsoHARD #Worthlessness #unwanted #unloved #nevermissed #willitend #BPDMom #helpme

I just turned 21 and had to be dragged out to go “out” for my birthday. Lmao. I find myself quite pathetic anymore. I have a hard time telling myself to get out of bed to do anything. If it wasn’t for my four legged companions I wouldn’t get out of bed anymore. I’d also like to thank my medications for making me gain over 40 pounds in the last year. “You’re weight isn’t everything” but isn’t it? When’s the last time you actually looked in the mirror and didn’t want to change something about yourself I looked in the mirror today after I got a shower and literally vomited at the sight of myself. So I’m pretty much fed up with this whole fake reality where everything will be “okay”. #WhatIsSelfLove #Insecure