unwanted

Nothing but compassion, understanding and friendship I’ve offered to this person durring this time when they have been transitioning from mtf.

I’m not interested in a relationship, which I’ve told them many different times and ways.

They went ahead and planed a Valentine’s Day weekend for us after everything and went I told them my honest feelings and that I’ve also been sick with a bad cold. This...this is what I received in return.

I’m done being nice. My walls are going up, and as far as I’m concerned we’re no longer friends. Shame on me for trying when they clearly do not care about me as anything other than as their significant other.

#CheckInWithMe #EmontionalAbuse #Valentines #givingup #upsetwithmyself #Anxiety #Depression #alone #unwanted

Wishing I had Others to Talk to, but, as I Look at Others Post and Interaction, Maybe I'm Destined to Be Lonely.

I have
Congenital Hydrocephalus,
Retinaopathy of Prematurity
Hypertonia
Chronic Knee, Ankle, Shoulder, Wrist Pain
2 L5 S1 Discectomies
Diverticulitis
Essential Tremors
Epicondylitis
Possible Neuropathy
Possible RA
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
De Quarveins Tenosyvitis

#Painsomnia
#ChronicPain
#ChronicIllness
#Lonliness
#unwanted
#unloved
#Pain
#PainSufferer
#Nosupport
#Nosupportsystem

Yesterday, I also repeated a pattern which always makes me feel worse: noticing that someone I love, someone extremely important to me, no longer loves me, I tried to look and be my best in hopes it would win their affection or approval. When I was a little girl, this used to occasionally work with my parents (actually it still does occasionally work), and I’ve resorted to it in desperation ever since: with my sister, with my ex-fiance. It never works, but I still TRY it; in fact it usually makes things worse, and that’s what happened yesterday. As with my ex-fiance, my partner scarcely even looked at me. I could barely keep my chin up yesterday. I was already heartbroken.

I am just very very sad, my Mighty friends. I feel grief-sick to my soul and guilty for still needing things from a person who’s sick of me, and I’m trying to hide it all in an effort to give him time and emotional/mental space without pressure and to be as gracious to my partner as he has always been to me. I love him so much, and my heart is breaking. I feel defeated — no one wants me, not even at my best, not even the person who loved me so very, very, very much. Why? Why have his feelings changed so much and so suddenly; what did I do?? It’s making me feel like I really am as awful as I always thought.

I’m trying so hard to just hold it together so that I don’t make an already-horrible-for-both-of-us situation even worse.

Thank you for reading my long, miserable post. I appreciate this community so much.

#Grief #Relationships #Sadness #relationshipanxiety #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #RareDisease #Spoonie #Spoonies #heartbreak #Love #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #BDD #unwanted #Trauma #Childhoodtrauma

Please forgive me as I pour my heart out here — I’m not really sure where else to pour it out.

Some of you who know me from around The Mighty may know that in spite of being a person who loves many people and is involved with many things which matter to me deeply, THE most important person in my life is my partner, and THE most precious thing in my life is our relationship. This isn’t because I’m lacking in identity or looking to him for things I lack, but because our love truly is precious to me, and everything else in my world matters much less in comparison to that.

My partner and I have been separated since the start of quarantine, but last week, after three weeks of a hellish and dangerous ordeal for me, my partner came to pick me up. I am at his home now, slowly recovering from what was truly a traumatizing few weeks.

My partner was sad to be separated throughout quarantine, and we both struggled with being apart. When I told him I’d need his help and care after this recent ordeal, he was THRILLED that we’d be together again and that I’d finally be visiting him in his new home. We were both excited to have each other close again, and he was particularly happy not to have to be alone anymore in a place where he knows almost no one and everything is closed and cancelled because of Covid.

Imagine my heartbreak when, within 5 days, my beloved partner can scarcely stand the sight of me, was happier when he was alone than he is with me even though being alone caused him to slide into frequent depression, and seems to be currently reconsidering whether he wants to be in this relationship because his feelings for me are changing so drastically and rapidly. Meanwhile, I feel extremely in the way and am kicking myself for again being in a situation where I am a burden upon someone who, though ever-gracious, is sick of me. I love my partner with all my heart and soul, and if I allow myself to begin feeling the grief and devastation of losing this beloved person and relationship, I will have a complete breakdown and not be able to function or hide my pain — the LAST thing I want to do is leave my partner with that on his hands.

I am struggling with feeling unwanted and feeling like a burden, with also the possibility of losing everything most precious and beloved in my life, looming over the horizon.

My heart is breaking already. I look at all the pretty things I brought here to look nice when I’m with my love, and I want to cry. I think about all the fun things we wanted to do together while I visit, and my heart breaks. I think about what it will be like on the drive back when I know it’ll be the last time we see one another, and I want to wail with grief.

#Grief #Relationships #Sadness #relationshipanxiety #Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #RareDisease #Spoonie #Spoonies #heartbreak #Love #BodyDysmorphicDisorder #BDD #unwanted #Trauma #Childhoodtrauma