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He rescued me...

Until his mental and psychological abuse started taking over. Now it feels worse than the physical abuse I received from other men. Bruises heal, words stay on replay in your mind forever. I had a full on breakdown not that long ago and some of the things he said to me after that were just too much. He calls me mean and nasty, he calls me a bitch, he's said I'm "a piece of work", a pathological liar... He said something about my body not long ago that makes me feel a million times more self conscious than I did before he ever said those words to me. He treats me more like a maid or that I'm an ordinary person and not his wife and constantly says he's going to leave and/or divorce me if I don't get our house "in order" and do it pretty much by myself because that's my "job" as a stay at home wife and mother. The depression, sadness and defeat I feel is the worse I have ever felt in my life. I don't know who this man is anymore. I cry every day, multiple times a day. The panic/anxiety attacks are unreal and I have to hide them the best I can because if I take even take my dr prescribed medication, he'll still call me an addict, but he can have alcohol...how the hell does that work?? I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24 hours a day. Of course he can talk trash to me, be condescending, narcissistic, conniving, call me names, get in my face, have an attitude or yell at me but God forbid I stand up for myself...

#Narcisist #verbalabuse #Controlling #EmotionalAbuse #MentalHealth #selfconcious #Depression #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #worthless #unloved #PTSD

18 reactions 6 comments


How do u deal with flashbacks ? You know it’s not happen now but everything still is so real and you just get taken right back there . You feel like you are nothing …. How can you get rid of this ?? This grossness ?? #Abuse #Csa #worthless #wishiwasdead #Hatemyself

17 reactions 14 comments

"Meant to be"

My heart hurts. He left again after swearing he changed. Am I as worthless as he is treating me? I don't know if anyone even cares.

#breakup #lies #worthless



Wanna soar so high
But my wings are clipped

Wanna scream so loud
But my lips are sealed

Wanna be happy and alive
But my soul is dead

#Depression #useless #worthless


Taking a little break and I feel GUILTY

I just came back from vacation with my 10 year old. I think anyone would agree that vacationing alone with children is not super relaxing.

It was a nice trip. Although we did have a boating accident and I’m not the best swimmer, so it was a bit traumatic. Saturday we stayed in, Sunday I was able to take him to the pool, monday I literally did nothing. Tuesday I mustered up strength to go to his baseball game. But I am so burnt out. I feel exhausted. I haven't worked much (I work for myself) and haven't opened my store.

I spoke to my therapist and she said that it sounds like I need a break. So yesterday I called my sons dad and asked if he could keep him last night (I didn't even go to my son's game and I never miss them) and tonight. He agreed after giving me HELLLL.

So here I am. Feeling guilty I am not working. That I am a terrible mom. Worthless. And I can't even take a break because my mind is filled with all these terrible thoughts. I feel like I need a vacation. Not sure from what...

Anyone else ever feel like this??

#Anxiety #Depression #Guilt #MomGuilt #workguilt #worthless #Lazy

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I am a mess

I feel wrong.
My mother always says I say she is constantly wrong.
I don't.
I don't like my every relationship being compared to her ex husband who nearly beat her to death, tried to kill her, forced her to still birth in a bathroom and bury her daughter in a dumpster when I was 4 years old.
I don't like every time I correct how she is training her dog I am glared at, screamed at, snapped at told to butt out.
Then when the rat is causing fights getting himself nearly killed with dogs 3 times his size, over her food, not his own, HER FOOD, SHE IS EATING, THE DOGS ARE NO WHERE NEAR HIM.
My dogs are blamed, my dogs are getting yelled at, I am getting yelled at for not controlling them.
I have to listen to being shamed, and blamed, and she does it to my kids.
Then when I ask her to stop talking over a show, she assumes I mean stop saying something racial, which I wish she would shut up about race and gay being in everything.
I asked her to stop talking over the show because I could not hear it. I could not listen to her, and focus on the show.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I said anything, I won't say anything, It's My fault, I should stop talking, I will never say anything again ever."
I cannot even get a word in edge wise, then I am yelling and fighting because I cannot say what I even mean.
Then I feel guilty and shamed into abiding the same behavior.

Then there is my husband. That is a whole cluster F*ck of evil.
Broken his arm in December.
I have been to every appointment. Have been begging for treatment and advocating for him and everything.
Then when I need him to be there, he waits in the car.
I have begged for more than 5 years for help losing weight, now I am just doing it on my own.
We have been in so many fights, and I am so worn out I want to just call it quits completely. Mainly because I am doing all the heavy lifting.
He feeds the animals, and cleans and cooks.
I make appointments, budget, pay bills, know all the passwords, know all the schedules, know where the kids go to school, know which kids have which friends, make sure they have the right social events, keep track of medications, set up accounts and that is not just for 5 humans.
5 humans
4 cats
5 rabbits
6 dogs
9 goats
Countless chickens and ducks
Plus schedule feed, slaughter, breed, raise, vaccinate.
And according to all the illnesses going around adjust those schedules.
I am worn out mentally.
A year and a half with no sex.
No I am not Asexual, he is Traumatized.
I am tired.
I need to just be alone.
Like alone alone for a week or three.
Every time I get a chance, my mom, husband, kids, animals, need me right then and now.
I am worn out.
Dead. Tired.
I want nothing but books and wild and my cat and my dog and freedom.
I have planned running away more times than I can count.
I just want it all to stop.
#BipolarDepression #ChronicDepression #alone #worthless #Wrong


I feel as if I don't belong and nobody cares if I am here.....

I am almost 60 years old, just a few more months now. I never thought I would ever be this old. I don't think I emotionally planned for it anyway.
For the first time in my life I fell in love with a woman, that was 5 years ago.
she left me 3 years ago. She didn't speak to me for almost 2 years. last March she accepted a friend request from me on Facebook messenger. We talked a bit there. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder nearly 10 years ago now. She was aware of it, it was something that we talked about in the beginning of our relationship. I wanted her to know so she could maybe try to understand some of my poor responses to things.
Anyway, we were talking again until August of 2021 when she just quit talking to me again. I have been devastated ever since. I wasn't trying to start a relationship with her again I only wanted to try and reconcile our friendship, she is a very important person in my life. I now feel completely worthless and no good to anybody. Along the way I have tried to reconcile relationships with my children and all of those relationships have fallen apart also.....
I feel all alone, unlovable and worthless..... will this ever go away....
#Loneliness #worthless #Borderline personality disorder #scared



I'm spiraling out of control. I wear my heart on my sleeve normally, but now I'm hiding it... not cause I don't want it to be seen... its because I don't wanna hurt the ones that I love by having to deal with my pain. I've never accomplished anything besides my kids, and my 14 year old daughter can't even stand to have me around. I try and I'm just an inconvenience to everyone. I'm not saying they don't love me... but I sure as hell don't make them better. I know it would hurt them if I was gone, but I also know they would be free of this burden I've become. My daughter would be able to live with her dad which is what she wants to do without worrying about hurting me. She'd never have to deal with my tears or my pain anymore. But I can't do anything right now cause she'd blame herself. I am tired of hurting people I love by just existing. They need to be happy.