Difficulty applying my skills right now?
I might be doing fine, but it just feels terrible. My anxiety is through the roof. It's been at excruciating levels for over a week.
I woke up around 5am, went to the bathroom, and then went back to bed. In the following hour, my dream included dark, icy ocean waters, which caused me to wake up in a panic. This is probably the most common representation of my trauma in the dreamspace.
This past Saturday I attended Christmas at my mom's house. It was more pleasant than usual because I was able to bring 3 of my chosen family members for the first time. Everything felt more balanced.
This winter I started a couple new projects that are very important to me and bring meaning into my life. I have had to make new connections with others in order to move these projects forward and I find this to be terrifying, despite having had only positive interactions thus far.
Related to these projects, I made a mistake and communicated a falsehood to someone close to me. I have since corrected this mistake and apologized for neglecting to fact check the information before sharing it with them, but the guilt and shame I feel is overwhelming.
Recently I completed a writing project where I describe the physical abuse of my childhood. Through this I gained an even more clear understanding of why the freeze/collapse/fawn/submit responses were the only ones I learned to access. It feels really helpful and productive to participate in activities that exercise my fight and flight responses, like sports and combat based video games. I also need more practice with negotiation, and general interpersonal conflict skills.
These are the things bouncing in my head. If you feel led to share any advice or experiences, I know that this community has valuable insights. Regardless, thank you for reading. ❤
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anthropophobia #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ChildhoodAbuse #Christmas #Community