Anxietypanic

So my family planned to get together this weekend to celebrate my mom’s new job/see each other. I didn’t think anything of it. There’s only six of us... but then I read about limiting unnecessary travel and realized my mom is at risk. So now I’m very anxious with panic that I’m going to get sick or get my family sick. What can I do? I can’t tell them drive three hours back home because I’m freaking out. #Anxietypanic #CheckInWithMe

I don’t know where to even start. The last couple of months have been extremely hard for me. I have outlets I use to help my anxiety (besides my medicine), which I have to change and get it updated. Besides my outlets, I haven’t really been able to talk to my closet friends and family without them seeing what I’ve done without them judging me; even though they say they will not judge me.

First, work has been stressing me out, whether it is dealing with inventories at multiple stores I’ve been taking part in, or employees not doing what is asked/expected of them regardless of having multiple conversations and trainings with them. My boss has put a lot more trust in me as what I am able to do. This includes helping our bigger stores and their inventories. Just this week, December 9-11, I have worked 36 hours and I have 2 days left in my work week. I’m not complaining about my work load, just I put a lot of effort into work but I know I’m not getting paid enough to continually do all of this.

Secondly, and probably the biggest thing I can’t talk about to a lot of people was that I had a miscarriage that happened 3 weeks ago (November 18th). This was a major shock and surprise because I am very careful while having sex with someone. I was 6 weeks along. This was my first miscarriage and I couldn’t tell the guy who would have been the father. I couldn’t/didn’t tell him because we haven’t really been on speaking terms since a Halloween party at a mutual friends house. Also, we work for the same company (both managers), but it would be awkward if he didn’t want to be apart of the child’s life if I did not have a miscarriage.

I would have liked to talked to him but I know it wouldn’t have been beneficial since neither of use had planned for me to get pregnant and we are not in a relationship. I am trying to build are relationship up because we have been friends for several years and we had a night of not fighting our instincts which led to me becoming pregnant.

I needed to get this out of my system because it has been eating me up for 3 weeks and stressing me out because it was unplanned and I haven’t fully talked to anyone about this. I’m not looking for any pity, I know what I got into with only being on birth control and not using any condoms.

Thank you for letting me vent and get this out of my system. I’m still trying to get passed the fact that I was pregnant. I want to be a mom so bad, but I know I am not in a good place to be come a mother. I will be ready when I find a good partner to share this with and when God’s plan becomes clear to me.

#Anxiety #Anxietypanic #Miscarriage #stressingout

Coming down off a 2 week spiral and now walking through the battle field to see the destruction it created. Trust lost by those who cant understand and gained by those who want to. Taking inventory of what I lost in those 2 weeks of my life. Feeling guilty for wasting the time with such “silly emotions”. Wishing I was stronger and had the time back to do it all better, be better, be normal. Ashamed for showing such an ugly side of who I am and how my life can be sometimes. Worried I’ve done damage. #Anxietypanic #Depression #Shame #SeasonalAffectiveDisorder

I feel the shadows that have become
From the closet where they are hung
More memories are sure to come
What have I strung
Why can’t I put you in the attic where you belong
Keep you there for forever long
I know you would find your way back down the stairs
Just to bring me things I cannot bare
You always find your way through that closet door
Just to bring me to that floor
You have always come and gone in many forms
You always come and leave me torn
I wish you would come as a friend not a foe
Because you don’t I want you to go
I want to believe I can put you in my past
I know I have to deal in case your here to last #Anxietypanic