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The Dueling Mind

I hope you can relate to my PenUp Artwork from my Google tablet. It was a template that I colored to express how I am feeling constantly. It is a struggle to remain stable instead of getting stuck within the "ALL OR NOTHING" mentality. I wonder what on earth 🌎 I can do about it. Medicine 💊 helps, but it is not a cure, but just a treatment. I know many of you can relate to this picture. Surely I cannot be the only one dealing with this. I applied for disability as I keep running into the same issues that I have with every job. I lose myself in the world of depression (reduced energy, emotional mixed struggle) when there is not much to cause it situationally.

#helpme #MentalHealth #bipolarmind #BipolarDisorder #Trying #powerstruggle #Depression #PanicAttack #AnxietyAttack #PanicDisorder #AnxietyDisorder

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Even though we don't want to be bothered per say by people around us, when approached by a stranger, 1st try to say you don't have time to talk!

See if that works, then if they persist then you can do the necessary to protect yourself, rather its call the authorities etc. Sometimes living with bpd / ptsd can put us a bit over the top or on edge. Meaning we think everyone is out to traumatize us. But that's not always the case we have to sympathize with non mentally ill people as well, and they may just be showing a nice gesture. We've all seen the YouTube videos.. the "Karens" we don't want to have an extra label put on us just because we reacted incorrectly towards another person and we didn't realize they meant no harm to us. So be cautious around strangers but not so cautious that we get ourselves all worked up over nothing. Living with BPD, we lack what you call emotional balance and we fly off the handles very quickly.... So lets practice having a balance.. in our lives as much as possible we no that's almost a no go but practice makes perfect so lets give that a little effort on our part. (The use of the word Karen is just and example not meant for any other purpose)#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth #AnxietyDisorder #Depression #PTSD

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Opening up about my Anxiety

Anxiety does not have a face, but I am what having this disorder looks like.

It’s not always super obvious. I’m happy today is a good day… but it’s not always a good day.

I’ve had anxiety attacks so bad I thought I would die.

I had an episode where I had three panic attacks in a row. I had to call 988 because I couldn’t calm down, even though I wasn’t planning on harming myself. After a bit, even that didn’t help.

I’ve inconsolably cried in the shower more than times than I count.

I’ve gotten lost in my mind many times, and I’ve found Chester Bennington’s description of his head being a bad neighborhood to be painstakingly accurate.

My emotions are big and very hard to get a handle on when I get too upset. Holding back tears when you cannot cry in public is incredibly difficult.

My mind has told me I am too much for people, but also that I will never be enough.

On the surface: I have everything .

A good support system of friends and family.
Learning to be a child of God in the Christian faith again.
A nice home.
Good grades that have gotten me on the President’s List many times.
Connections to my community.
Vocal talent.

People who love me.

But sometimes that is not enough… because my anxiety tells me I am not enough.

Here is what people don’t see unless I tell them:
I am in therapy for a third time.

I have felt rejected and unloved in times when I have rarely been more loved.

Anxiety wants me to be silent and alone when I long for connections with people.

I have felt alone when surrounded by people I care for and that care for me back.

It makes even the mere perception of rejection almost impossible to handle.

I’ve felt like I don’t belong with anyone or anything, even when I do.

Putting myself out there can be harder than it should be.

Romance feels downright hopeless.

That I have no chance with guys who are out of my league, so I hardly ever talk to them.

Sometimes, I have rejected myself so I can beat those guys to the punch.

It has convinced me of awful things that were not true, that awful things were going to happen.

It has ruined things that were meant to be fun.

I will pick myself apart over anything.

I struggle to find motivation, especially when a task seems too overwhelming.

Sometimes that is doing an assignment.
Sometimes that is getting up to brush my teeth when I am tired.
Sometimes it’s prayer and reading my Bible.

I avoid things to remain comfortable, until finding that comfort is impossible and I have to do it.

I have lost respect for myself on many occasions.

For someone with such a big ego, I have a lot of self-loathing I am trying to overcome.

I have wanted nothing more at times than to disappear.

I have wished that I had never been born.

Life is too overwhelming sometimes, and I can’t always handle it.

I am medicated, but that has presented its own set of challenges as the BusPIRone and Hydroxyzine can make me tired.

That makes it harder to get through the day.

No matter what though…
I am trying my best.
I am being myself.
I am trying to live a life of prayer and servitude.

But I am not perfect.

I have a lot of bad habits and my sleep schedule is terrible.

I am not good at self-care.

But I am trying, and I refuse to give up on myself again.

I want to keep growing and learning.
I can do hard things, even when I kick, scream, complain, and break down.

My monsters wear my skin and look at me through my eyes, but they do not define me.

I have anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and bitterness

But they do not have me.

#Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AnxietyDisorder #mylife

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Thought Process

🌷 #happythoughts .

I have been feeling #good today. It feels weird to be naturally #happy in moments where you think that there could be something to take it away soon. However, I learned that I am not going to let that #Happen to me. I will not let anyone #StealMyJoy today. 🌞 I know that I am #Blessed even in the #darktimes .

Everything is going to be OK when the storm passes. It may feel #scary right now, but it will pass through. There may be an aftermath, but take heart that you will not be alone in this.

I Am Here For You.

#BipolarDisorder #AnxietyDisorder

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Anxiety is weird

Anxiety is weird I can be happy and bubbly or funny and having the best time of my life and then sometimes I just crash and have way too many intrusive or negative thoughts, bad self esteem, body image, depression, anxiety attacks or panic attacks. And just bawling my eyes out.

I’m happy for the highs and the lows I’m thankful for both I know they are a part of life. Sometime I question if I’m bipolar or something else too, but I don’t quite fit the criteria, I just think I have too move going on and overwhelmed sometimes but I’m trying my best to be happy while validating my emotions and crying when I need to let it out.

Anyone else feel like they are such an oxymoron in the sense that sometimes I can perfectly relate to my anxiety disorder and other times

It’s like wow I hide it really well, while other times I don’t at all. I Guess it’s normal
We are more than our illness or diagnosis it be physical or mental health or both.

But guess just funny how it works sometimes.

#generalizedanxiety #AnxietyDisorder #weitd #funny #interesting #Thoughts #Curious #whatsboutyou

4 reactions

What’s wrong with me? Can anyone relate?

I know this is so random but earlier I unplugged my hoover from the wall socket and it had somehow broken away leaving a strange hole in the socket face. We didn’t know how it had happened but I was so overwhelmed bu how it looked, I physically couldn’t look at it and honestly even thinking about it now is making me feel so uncomfortable. I can’t stop thinking about it though… it’s like an intrusive thought playing over and over in my head and I feel this awful overwhelming “icky” uncomfortable feeling. There’s also a tiny niggle to go and look at it again to maybe show my brain it’s not so bad or see if it affects me in the same way but honestly the thought if it just makes me shudder.. has anyone else experienced this kind of thing or have any ideas what I am describing? How do I stop thinking about it? I hate that it’s there in my living room..! I feel so weird??!! I’ve heard of trypophobia and wonder if it’s like that?? When I was a child I remember I had a similar feeling when seeing holes in kidney beans made by weevils so think maybe it’s that but this plug socket today wasn’t a perfect circle or repeated pattern but I genuinely feel such an intense sense of disgust. Wtf??

#Anxiety #AnxietyDisorder #trypophobia #mentaldisorder #obsessivecomplusivedisorder #OCD #Fear #disgust #IntrusiveThoughts #aversion #Depression #PanicDisorder

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Finding life in a spooning world

I'm struggling. My chonic depression has been rearing its ugly head lately. The weather has my migraines and fibro wax and waining almost as regular as the tide with pain levels that barely stay in my tolerance level. I'm pretty sure I have a sinuses infection and I screwed up at work. I've been sick with more viral colds in the past six months than in the last two years combined.
The only reason I made it through the holiday season was because just before they hit I found a sweet and crazy mutt I named Artemis Roo and I am so thankful for her presence in my life.
So as I am sitting here today I feel like I don't know how to go forward. My health is probably at an all time low since before I was diagnosed with my fibro, and now with me messing up at work and getting pulled from my highered postion to a back of the house postion has me wondering if it isn't time to cave and quit being so stubborn. Quit trying to behave like I'm a normal functioning person when I know in my heart of hearts and in my painful daily step that I simply am not and consider looking in to partial disability and moving forward with only part time work.
This mentally kills me, I never wanted my health to define but I think I've come to a point where I'm fighting so hard that I'm starting physically make myself worse which in turn is making my mental health worse, and both are making me more susceptible viral and bacterial issues.
I just don't know what to do, especially because I thought I had it all balanced, but I suppose my body is telling me otherwise.
#ChronicDepression #AnxietyDisorder #Fibromyalgia #mentallyexhusted #physicallyexhusted

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