autistic

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I’m unfortunately American, and I unfortunately still live in this cursed country. I’m black/mixed, chubby, aroace, non-binary, neorudivergent, and not rich, aka, I’m a minority. I’ve already lost all faith and hope for America when HE was elected again last year.

This country was not made for those lower than high-class. The whole system is already awful. So many businesses have already raised their prices on so many things, so many I’ve stopped using because I cannot fucking pay that much… we’re not made of money... And NOW thanks to him and his awful tariffs, it’s hitting companies and especially small businesses again. 2020 was already enough, and he thought THIS was wise? Talk about garbage!! Which means that some companies will be raising their prices again or adding surcharges… which in this case, I don’t blame them. I just cannot AFFORD it so I’d often just try to find a better deal so that I’m not just giving all of my money down the drain… the prices were already expensive enough, though I don’t blame them in this case.

It’s getting hard to live in this fucking country. Even though my dad’s the one taking care of the money situation and is a supervisor chef (aka he makes a lot) and we’re doing fine, I cannot help but feel bad for everyone at this moment, and money talk in general fucking stresses me the fuck out, I HATE it!!! Especially since I’m autistic and when change happens, it… I can’t take anymore of this. I already had a fucking panic attack last week because of an incorrect very high balance showing on my total therapy session statement, I just… I feel like I’m going to fucking explode if something money related happens again (which I’m probably gonna anyway… god I hate this society).

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #neurodivergent #Neurodivergency #Vent #triggerwarning #PanicAttacks #PanicAttack #ScrewTrump #MoneyIssues

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I feel like I’m not actually okay. Days can go great until one little thing happens. I was just crying five minutes ago because the bank me and my mom share took away the $25 I just transferred because there was already a negative balance that I was unaware of until now, and now I don’t have enough money to get what I planned to buy. It’s like if almost anything I plan doesn’t go the way I planned, I get very upset.

Crying is very normal and typical for me (I’m non-binary… idk, I just don’t want an assumption to be made that crying is a more “feminine” thing), but it seems like I’m just… crying for very little reasons these days. I mean, I do normally tend to get upset when things don’t go as planned and cry sometimes, but now I’m just.. crying more than usual throughout these recent years. But why? Is it because I just despise being out of routine or despise things I plan to do not going the way I wanted to? Is it because I’m just so sick of how the world has been lately and has been making me more impatient towards things? Is it because of my hormones being unbalanced? It might be all of these things.

I do see a therapist, but I just.. idk. Just writing my thoughts out here.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MentalHealth #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #moodswings #Neurodiversity

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How the fuck do I go back and forth between “I really don’t want to die” and genuinely fearing death even though I’m 23 years old to wondering if I should’ve just been dead already?? Is positivity and negativity within me just a constant battle? Likely very much so. 😒

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

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Ever since the middle of last month, I’ve been having stress dreams pretty much everyday. It used to be just around twice a week… why? I hate this so much. I want it to be back to normal. It’s now pissing me off.

Is it just thanks to the crapload of stressors I’ve had? Of course it is, it has to be. The traumatic flashbacks, the interrupted routines, being done with Amazon, the news about Target and (I think) Dollar General (and yes, even though Target did apologize, as a minority I cannot fully trust them anymore until I see loads of genuine improvement moving forward), summer’s existence (I hate summer)…. even when I’m no longer stressed by these things at times, even when days were great, I’m still having stress dreams everyday…

I even had such a great birthday unexpectedly last month. All of this now just seems like a very rude awakening. I wish I’ve never turned another age…. 🙁

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #StressDreams #help #overstimulated #TickedOff #triggerwarning