MyAutismIsNotADisorder

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So, I’m feeling better.. | TW hospital, mentions of suicidal ideation and self harm, two swears

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I’m still alive. I mentioned how I was considering suicide without a plan to my therapist and she called the crisis team and ended up staying at a hospital for 3-4 days (which I really didn’t like). No one, including my therapist, saw coming about having to stay as the crisis team told me that if I didn’t like it there, I could leave.

That was a lie by the crisis team, intentionally or not intentionally so. However, my Dad explained to me why they say that anyway - they don’t know the individuals they are helping and want to help them incase they don’t go, they might end up hurting themselves more instead of getting the help that they need. Even my dad agreed that it helps most individuals, and that’s awesome, but there’s always that small percentage that will not work for them, and that includes me.

I, including my dad, all of my partners, and very likely my therapist as well, was so pissed that I had to stay there since Tuesday, and I left yesterday afternoon. All I got out of staying there was more anxiety, being more triggered, and medication (which I do hope does something, at least). I’m so glad that I moved up to another unit the day before I was discharged because I kept getting triggered by other patients’ outbursts that were happening everyday.

I was already done with suicidal thoughts a few hours after I got there the first day. I even scratched myself the second day (not in a suicidal way) because of how pissed off I was for not getting to leave that day me and my Dad wanted to (not in front of anyone or any camera, luckily, because I would hate to have to stay there even longer). I was grieving the life I had and felt like everything’s been stripped away from me. I wanted to see my dad again. I wanted my clothes back. I wanted my phone back. I wanted my polyamorous wedding ring back.

My dad knows everything that goes on with me. He knows what specific treatment I should be getting when it comes to therapy, and I always like talking to him about whatever is going on with me. He is very caring and understanding.

That hospital had good intentions, though. I understand that they couldn’t really do much about it because of laws (besides the doctor I had there making me leave early instead of 5-7 days, thank goodness for that), so I don’t blame them. But never again. I’m so happy I’m back home, and I’m so happy to see my dad again!! 🫂

#MentalHealth #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #Hospital #feelingbetter

8 reactions
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Why?!?! | TW suicidal ideation, swearing, some all cap text

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My laptop won’t turn on anymore. Everything starts up okay except that the screen is black. I REALLY hope that it’s just the battery…
JUST FUCKING WHY?! It was working JUST FUCKING FINE yesterday!!! I JUST HAD A GREAT DAY YESTERDAY, WHY DOES LIFE WANT TO HATE ON ME SO FUCKING MUCH?! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!

I FEEL LIKE LIFE JUST WANTS ME FUCKING DEAD. I don’t know how FUCKING LONG I can take this pain. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t fucking know!

JUST LET ME HAVE A FUCKING GOOD DAY WITHOUT IT BEING HORRIBLE THE NEXT DAY, GOD DAMN IT! If that can’t happen, I should’ve ended my life sooner. I hate this fucking life. I hate everything (/not literally). Fuck everything!!

Maybe I should just fucking end my life already. I HAD IT!!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #SuicidalIdeation #Grief #SuicidalThoughts #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #emotionaltrauma #Suicide

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4 reactions
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Will things ever be okay? | TW suicidal ideation, one swear(?)

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Sometimes, I feel like I’m always in the same damn fate. How long can I tell myself that things will be okay? I don’t do it very often at all because of how much I don’t think it’ll be okay, but in this situation I’m in right now from the last post… how do I even believe that anymore?

Sometimes recently I have wondered if killing myself would be better for me so that I don’t have to deal with overstimulation, emotional trauma flashbacks, anxiety, or dysphoria any longer. I’m so sick of it, and I’m so done with it. Now, I’m wondering that again, but I’m not planning to. Just a thought.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma

6 reactions 1 comment
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What am I going to do…? New apartment situation | TW parents, kids, mentions of being threatened from past hotel experience, emotional abuse trauma

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So I’ve finally moved in with my dad to get away from the traumatic experiences from living with my mom, and my sister and my sister’s kids who have moved out already.

One of the reasons I wanted to move out is to get away from the noise my nephews (especially the youngest one) were making which drove me crazy and get very overstimulated often… but here, we live on the first floor and for a while we’ve noticed that our walls suck. And guess what, a kid’s up there, too. Our neighbors upstairs noise is super noticeable, we can hear their footsteps good enough, even in the mornings. It doesn’t matter where we are in the apartment, we can still hear everything pretty well. And it’s annoying, especially when I’m still trying to sleep or even when going to sleep at times. And in the mornings, they’re one of the causes for negative thoughts, whether that’s in general or about my past, and I’m already ticked off for the morning.

I know that this is only temporary and are planning to move into a house next year, but this sucks. We never asked for this. I can’t go back to where I used to be and I refuse, I’m done with dealing with my mom’s overcompensation and just remembering that was where the continuation of emotional and some verbal trauma took place since 2014. I’m also terrified of hotels now because I had a misunderstanding on when to leave and a security guard threatened to call the police on me if I didn’t make it out in time, leaving me in tears and so much anger and felt like this city hated neurodivergent individuals or something!!

I tried noise canceling headphones, I’m trying earplugs (even really good ones!), I tried my white machine, but I’m still too sensitive to the noise and it still leaves me with negative thoughts in the mornings sometimes. And I was hoping to move into a place where I didn’t had to do that anymore!!

My dad said that he’ll try talking to the neighbors upstairs again, but I honestly don’t think there’s much that can be done, and I feel like I’m always talking to him about this every weekend. What if the neighbors upstairs just don’t care? And especially since summer break will be coming up for them, I’m scared… not to mention that I hate summer because of the freaking bugs that tend to overstimulate me as well if I’m outside for too long.

Is asking for peace and quiet so much to ask for?? It’s bringing me in tears.. /rhetorical question

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #emotionaltrauma #overstimulation #overstimulated #apartment #moving #OSTD

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5 reactions
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It’s not like anyone’s going to care, but… | TW invalidated, unintentional exclusionism

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I’m otherkin. I do not identify as a human spiritually. Yes, this is real. Being otherkin is not a pessimistic or degrading identity. It is real, and it is often involuntary. I can’t control how I feel, and I’m okay with that because there’s nothing wrong with it. No, it is not “cringe”, screw cringe culture.

I hate being called human. I hate emotions exclusively being called “human”. I hate being associated with “human”. I hate the idea that emotions exclusively make us “human” because I don’t identify as a human being, and not everyone in a “human”-like body identifies as a human being. It’s act very stressful and invalidating whenever I run into these common ideas and phrases.

It’s why I can’t really read most things mental health-wise. I wish, but I get very dysphoric being called a human 10 times in one article. I understand it may be mostly scientific, but still. I do understand that most of the population is human-identifying, but so are those who are straight, who are cisgender, who are in the gender binary (male or female), and who are monogamous, and groups outside of them often get ignored in articles, too, and I’m outside of those groups as well! It’s so tiring… After (still) grieving over what I wrote in the last post, I don’t need to be called a human constantly.

I apologize if any of this sounds rude. I do not mean so in the slightest. I just wish that us otherkin individuals would be more recognized in society, and the dysphoria sucks…

#rant #otherkin #Vent #MentalHealth #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #stressed #ThisHasBeenNotAGoodDay

3 reactions 1 comment
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TW SA, R*pe (a), swearing (Rant)

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Please bare in mind that this is a very sensitive topic for me to talk about, and is actually very triggering to me as well.

But I find rapists unforgivable (unless they deeply and genuinely regret it) to where intrusive thoughts (thoughts that I don’t believe in or else I’d be way too harsh) come up. I have never faced physical sexual assault, but it makes me super mad whenever I hear that someone has been raped and that whoever raped them hasn’t even been caught. It’s fucking disgusting!!! 🤬

I just heard this morning that one of my friends’ partner (non-binary) was raped two months ago, likely not even 18 yet.

Rapists should not walk free. They need serious help (no, I actually mean that, like please seek counseling), they need to be put away (no, I don’t just mean jail) until they know how to fucking act right. Fuck rapists!!! Is there anyway I can help to get more of their asses in jail (or just get them caught because I know jails can be discriminatory, unfortunately)??

Edit: And how am I supposed to feel any better from that? I can’t think of a single thing that will make me feel better now…

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #SexualAssault #sa #Rape #Vent #EndSexualAssault #EndRape

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13 reactions 6 comments
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TW AI art generators (I hate them), swearing

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As an artist, I’m so fucking sick of so many fucking companies using AI art generators that steal from others’ work without even any permission from artists. Ever since 2023, it feels that everything on the web’s AI this and AI that. My used-to-be-favorite websites started adding AI generators and became greedy and now I hate them more than ever. All of this talk of AI art is pissing me off. It’s actually pretty triggering to even bring up about this because it’s just so immoral, and seeing big companies like Microsoft and Google going even more south is just… 😡

It’s not just human artists struggling. Otherkin (those who don’t fully identify as human non-physically for various reasons (yes, it’s a real and good-faith identity)) artists exist, too such, as I. So I always tend to get very uncomfortable being called a human throughout all of this.

Is our government even doing shit about this??? This is extremely unfair that so many individuals would now rather shit on artists and use and AI art generators than requesting or do commissions to artists. Yes, I know some commissions are expensive (some too expensive, in my opinion), but some do art as a job and that should be respected!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #NoToAIArt #MentalHealth #ActualArtist #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #artist #anger #fedup #Vent #otherkin #Art #StopThis

1 reaction
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I want to start a protest.. or at least encourage one | Rant about inflation and ad abuse, TW for some all cap text and mention of parent

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Look. I completely understand that individuals out there need to make money. Especially after that year and event that shall not be named (it’s actually very uncomfortable when the names of worldwide events in 2020 are brought up), but this crap has gotten too far and bigger businesses are taking this for their greedy advantages. And I’m starting to feel like this is just an American thing here.

In my city, no matter where you look, there’s ads. Everywhere. We already had ads on buses, but now ontop of that, we have ads on a whole side of buses. I have to look down like 5 more times than usual just to avoid things that could possibly be triggering.

Google, an already billion dollar company, makes it a big problem for adblockers to work permanently, which is a problem for me because the exact reason I have an ad blocker is mainly to avoid ads that could possibly be triggering and uncomfortable to me, especially when I already deal with anxiety and other specified trauma disorder. And I hear that they’re about to make it even MORE harder, too this year (then again, they said that about last year)…

Some of my favorite websites are now declining their own reputations. One used to have one or two ads that lets you use its content for free, but now there’s literally 6 ADS everytime I go to an character maker page!! It is WAY too distracting to even focus on who I’m making…

Oh, and let’s not forget about inflation rates here being stupidly high. A bottle for allergies, for example. They have different tablet amounts for different prices. My mother bought me the largest amount of pills (100) and said that they used to be a lot cheaper, but now they’re $50. $50??? I couldn’t believe it until I looked on Amazon. $50 for allergy pills??? I get that it’s the highest amount, but 1) none of the other pills are close to that amount, and 2) it’s still a small bottle.. just with a larger amount. I could go on and on about so many other things being affected by how cheaper things used to be…
(Edit: They are now $38 as of March 22, 2024, but what a crazy price to boost up to for a temporary time.. and their list price is literally $49.99)

To those who argue that they just need the money, I get that. It’s not always easy especially if you’re running a smaller business or going solo, this rant is really towards the bigger companies. And to those who are mad at me for using an adblocker, please don’t be mad at me, as I mentioned before, some ads are very triggering for me to see. I will say that if you’re able to handle the ads, then please do go without an adblocker to help support those who need it.

But this has gotten too far. It’s like this American society and the internet is being brainwashed by this whole thing of money. “See this ad, pay this for that, oh guess what this item has a higher price now and you have to pay for it!!” Many big companies and websites are showing their true colors and are becoming more and more greedy as I speak, which is pretty sad. Smaller businesses are struggling because of this. This society has forgotten about the poor and making it much easier for folks/folx to get in poverty, especially for those who are non-white and LGBTQ+ (like me)! I thought we were supposed to be solving these issues, NOT ENCOURAGING THEM!

I want to start a protest. Or at least encourage one, because I don’t think this is right. This shouldn’t be happening as much as it is right now. It’s TOO much. But with anxiety, autism, and a trauma disorder, I’m not a fan of going outside to bring up the message, and social accounts I’ve stopped due to witnessing lots of cyberbullying and just drama nonsense, so I’d rather avoid posting on those sites, either. Is there any other way for me to spread this message, maybe similar to Change.org?

#inflation #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #Poverty #rant #Vent #Allergies #TooFar #SocietyIsBecomingTooGreedy #MoneyInflation #AmericanProblems #Protest #ThisIsNotRight #Capitalism #money

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9 reactions 2 comments
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TW hopeless, exclusionism, swearing, vent

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What’s the point of being here?
This world just hates anybody who is different. Why am I here? I don’t want to be here… I want my old home. This planet was never my home. I don’t want this home. It just hates anybody who is different. This “home” was meant to put me and others in misery. This “home” was meant to make us feel ignored. I didn’t deserve this shit. There’s absolutely no community in this world that I feel completely safe in anymore, including the LGBTQIA+ community with all of the constant bullshit gatekeeping and invalidation. I’ve given up on any form of social media a year ago (I guess except here) - it’s just always filled with drama.

I don’t want to be born here. Not in this sad place. I hate it here. Why was I born here?!?!

I’m trans nonbinary, I’m black, I’m overweighted, I’m non-romantically polyamorous, I’m nonhuman (aka I hate being called human, not in a pessimist way, just self-identification for personal reasons), I’m on both aromantic and asexual spectrums. I have plenty of triggers thanks to trauma and honestly how stupidly problematic some individuals can be. And I do not want to be on this stupid planet any longer. Sometimes I wonder if being dead would be worth it, honestly, if it would solve my problems. I’m trying to keep going, but I just cannot fucking stand this world. It feels so fucking hopeless at this point: I swear, one more cyber-bullying raid online, one more transphobic political bill, one more misusing autistic as “weird” or “quirky”, one more misuse of the word “triggered”….

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #LGBTQ #Exclusionism #Vent #Trauma #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #hopeless

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12 reactions 5 comments
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Valentine advertisements are the worst /vneg | TW exclusionism/amatonormativity, some all caps, almost breaking something

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I freaking HATE them, especially if you’re in a non-monogamous non-romantic relationship (but NOT FRIENDS). They are meant to be love-exclusive, heteronormative, and monogamy-exclusive as much as they possibly can and it makes me sick and drives me crazy to the point where I almost broke my computer screen this morning because of seeing another stupid advertisement (no worries, it’s fine)! I hate the alternative title “Single awareness day” because it further proves the belief that Valentines is “oh so romantic” and plus while many single individuals don’t really care, some are making themselves and others feel bad because of the standard belief of “being in a relationship” when they are valid with OR without a partner(s).

Valentine’s Day does NOT have to be a romantic holiday. Plus, not every experiences love, whether that be romantic, platonic, familial, or whatever. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be for everyone because it isn’t even FOR everyone, so society needs to STOP PUSHING IT DOWN OUR THROATS AND LEAVE US THE FRICK ALONE!

#Anxiety #anger #ValentinesDay #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #SocialAnxiety #valentine #Love #DearSociety #Stress #Polyamory #Vent #StopThis #Exclusionism #amatonormativity #LGBTQ

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3 reactions 1 comment