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The waiting is the hardest part #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ER #behavioralhospital #hospitalbound

How is it that the person I fear the most is myself. I'm currently on the sixth hour waiting in the ER waiting to get sent to a behavioral facility. I am not going because I'm afraid I am going to commit suicide. I am going because I am afraid of what I will do to myself during this ongoing three day binge of self harm, self loathing, and anger. For once I am not feeling this way because of something I've done. I don't know what hurts worse, being hurt purposely, or hurting myself. At least I know for the next three days I should be safe.

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This week has been hard mentally. I can feel myself slowly not wanting to do anything, even the small task of getting out of bed. I can feel the weight sitting on my chest and my stomach is in knots. I sit in silence not because I don’t want to talk but because I have nothing to say. My mind is blank besides “I want to be asleep”. This is when my body takes over and goes on autopilot. During this time my dissociating is on high, in other terms I was having an episode of psychosis. This is different than “daydreaming” or your mind just wondering. My episode made me feel like I wasn’t here on earth, I’m not apart of this world. I feel like I’m floating in space with every movement. Time does not exist or it has slowed way down, but the world around me is at its normal pace. Sometimes I can control the pace of things and slow or speed them up in my head. Then the voices start... not all are bad! And in reality I wouldn’t call any of them “bad”, some of them seem to be hurting just like me or worse. And I start to see things that are not really there. On top of this the burden of not doing the things I need to get done start to weigh in. I start putting myself down and it doesn’t help when everyone around you is waiting for your next move. Well I don’t know my next move!! I have never been “here” before, I have never lost my job... the way my name is being ran through the mud. Losing what I knew was home for 2 years. Almost losing all my stuff because they threatened to “burn all my shit”. They tossed me out like I was trash. When I was in the hospital I was excited and ready to get out and back to living my life! And I was ready to Celebrate my Life! But three days before I get discharged... my life as I knew it was gone... all because I reached out for help and ended up in the hospital. It’s sad I regret it all.. I don’t want to run from my problems... I have to much to do, but did I get discharged to soon? #MentalHealth #mentalhealthmatters #MentalHealthAwareness #brainhealth #deppression #BPD #behavioralhospital #Psychosis #Anxiety #PTSD #mylife #pushingforward #Notgivingup

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