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Opening up about my Anxiety

Anxiety does not have a face, but I am what having this disorder looks like.

It’s not always super obvious. I’m happy today is a good day… but it’s not always a good day.

I’ve had anxiety attacks so bad I thought I would die.

I had an episode where I had three panic attacks in a row. I had to call 988 because I couldn’t calm down, even though I wasn’t planning on harming myself. After a bit, even that didn’t help.

I’ve inconsolably cried in the shower more than times than I count.

I’ve gotten lost in my mind many times, and I’ve found Chester Bennington’s description of his head being a bad neighborhood to be painstakingly accurate.

My emotions are big and very hard to get a handle on when I get too upset. Holding back tears when you cannot cry in public is incredibly difficult.

My mind has told me I am too much for people, but also that I will never be enough.

On the surface: I have everything .

A good support system of friends and family.
Learning to be a child of God in the Christian faith again.
A nice home.
Good grades that have gotten me on the President’s List many times.
Connections to my community.
Vocal talent.

People who love me.

But sometimes that is not enough… because my anxiety tells me I am not enough.

Here is what people don’t see unless I tell them:
I am in therapy for a third time.

I have felt rejected and unloved in times when I have rarely been more loved.

Anxiety wants me to be silent and alone when I long for connections with people.

I have felt alone when surrounded by people I care for and that care for me back.

It makes even the mere perception of rejection almost impossible to handle.

I’ve felt like I don’t belong with anyone or anything, even when I do.

Putting myself out there can be harder than it should be.

Romance feels downright hopeless.

That I have no chance with guys who are out of my league, so I hardly ever talk to them.

Sometimes, I have rejected myself so I can beat those guys to the punch.

It has convinced me of awful things that were not true, that awful things were going to happen.

It has ruined things that were meant to be fun.

I will pick myself apart over anything.

I struggle to find motivation, especially when a task seems too overwhelming.

Sometimes that is doing an assignment.
Sometimes that is getting up to brush my teeth when I am tired.
Sometimes it’s prayer and reading my Bible.

I avoid things to remain comfortable, until finding that comfort is impossible and I have to do it.

I have lost respect for myself on many occasions.

For someone with such a big ego, I have a lot of self-loathing I am trying to overcome.

I have wanted nothing more at times than to disappear.

I have wished that I had never been born.

Life is too overwhelming sometimes, and I can’t always handle it.

I am medicated, but that has presented its own set of challenges as the BusPIRone and Hydroxyzine can make me tired.

That makes it harder to get through the day.

No matter what though…
I am trying my best.
I am being myself.
I am trying to live a life of prayer and servitude.

But I am not perfect.

I have a lot of bad habits and my sleep schedule is terrible.

I am not good at self-care.

But I am trying, and I refuse to give up on myself again.

I want to keep growing and learning.
I can do hard things, even when I kick, scream, complain, and break down.

My monsters wear my skin and look at me through my eyes, but they do not define me.

I have anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and bitterness

But they do not have me.

#Anxiety #AnxietyAttack #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AnxietyDisorder #mylife

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Growing up Undiagnosed - My Internal Chaos

Growing up undiagnosed, I was always the odd one out. Whether it was my weird quirks, my executive functioning challenges, my daydreaming or simply the fact how I perceived and did everything differently - achieving the same result but choosing the route most people wouldn’t consider and no, my routes usually weren’t shortcuts.

My brain needs logic. My brain needs answers. My brain can’t move on if I don’t have logic or answers. Ironically, at the same time – my brain is hyperactive. It can’t stop working. It jumps from one thing to another, not being able to stop. That is the beauty and sometimes a curse of having ADHD and Autism together. At times, it’s like having two forces working against each other.

On many occasions I remember thinking to myself or sharing with my mother that I wasn’t made for this world. Not that the world was cruel to me. I have been blessed in more ways than I can count but I felt the odd one out. Always. In every situation.

Such a beautiful blue sky. Is it looking blue to everyone? Or is my perception of blue different than others? - My communication differences in terms of interpretations were so stark that I began second guessing everything I was seeing.

Then there was eye contact.

Eye contact was and I guess still is the standard for respectful communication. On the surface, I never had trouble making eye contact. Inside my mind though, I had trouble tracking the conversations because I was forcefully focused on maintaining the eye contact and then the stress of making sure that my non-verbal communication was appropriate. Am I smiling enough? Oh no – my lips are quivering? And then my eye would start blinking rapidly.

I thought I was weird. I started acting like an extrovert to hide my quirks and my challenges with executive functioning. In many cultures, executive functioning challenges of a person who has no visible disability are deemed as laziness or are assigned other such labels.

Now that I know about my neurodivergence – I have extended some grace to myself. I no longer call myself lazy or assign labels to myself that the world once assigned to me.

I understand why I struggle to maintain consistency.

I understand why I forget things.

I understand that sometimes I eat for stimulation – just to keep my brain excited.

I understand why I am unable to do routine tasks that come naturally to most people.

I extend myself grace when my house is messy, or when the sink is full of dirty dishes.

I understand and accept that it’s okay to need help and it’s okay to need support and accommodations.

I know now that my brain works differently and instead of forcing it to be more like other people’s brain, I now want it to be the best version of itself.

Not better or worse than others because it’s not a comparison.

Just the best it can be.

I don’t know whether this post makes sense or not – there are many things I haven’t shared and want to but articulating my personal experiences into words for others to understand is probably one of the hardest things I have done.

Until next time.

#Neurodiversity #Autism #ADHD #actuallyautistic #neurodivergence #mylife #KindTheory #Acceptance #Selfacceptance #myinternalchaos

Picture ID: Photo of a multi-colored beautiful brain representing neurological variants and brain diversity.

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My blog, a new adventure.

I started #Blogging . I have not done many so far. But, besides #sharingmyknowledge, it is a way to get paid for my #resources and work around my home life at home, or wherever I may be.
Check it out....
There's a area to rate it and provide feedback. I'm #LearningAsIGo .
I am hoping it will be a success. I have a YouTube channel, but don't really like being on video.. or censored. I'm #notrestricted , but can #shareallIknow and #mylife , in one place.



I saw this quote in a group post on Facebook, and it really resonated with me:

I believe my subconscious mind was aware of it somewhat, but my conscious mind never really registered it, until now. I was "never hard to love"..."just getting harder to manipule..."

What an extraordinary realisation and an immense feeling of freedom.

I am loveable and capable of loving and being loved. But I am much smarter at who I love and whom I allow to love me.

#knowingme #notomanipulation #mylife #ican #ucandounlimitedchange

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#keepmovingforward #onefootinfrontoftheother

At this #time last year I started having high pitched noises in my ears, my skull felt tingly and hot like it was #onfire , and #Brainzaps in my head and neck, and feeling like electricity was going down my spine. I thought I was #Crazy because no one can hear, feel or see what was happening and debilitating #mylife . 2 MRI's done on 12/27/19 I get the call from my neurologist. No pinched nerve, no m.s. Two #brainanurisyms . Both need surgery. I ask my neurosurgeon if the symptoms I've been having aren't anurisym related then #wtf is it?? #anxiety #stressresponsemode #fightorflight
3/6/20 I had a full #Crainiotomy afraid to touch my head or look at myself or ask for help. My first surgery in my life was #BrainSurgery . The photo here is Miracle who stood by me, or pulled me, so I'd #NeverGiveUp . Second surgery was 7/23/20. Anxiety #savedmylife even though it was due to working non-stop as a counselor with #peoplewhousedrugs and training thousands on how to #savealife from #opioidoverdose with #Naloxone but I never took time to care for me, I gave it away. My anxiety is better, still sucks daily but not like before. Except for today, it was a replay of #Healing and of #hurting . #Miracle , once again pulled me through, and I didn't fight her.
I fought anxiety. And won.