blackhole

Is it possible to miss someone/thing so much it’s like a black hole? Your whole body just hurts. But at the same time you know that someone/thing more than likely doesn’t miss you? #blackhole #missingsomeone #sad #upsetwithmyself

It's been too long since the last time I remember myself as being "ME"
Don't know how every year I find myself feeling this way during the same time in the year(of course winter) I never really like this season so I guess it's makes sense in a way.
I ask myself a lot of questions cause I have too much free time but it's not really helping the opposite will be the true.
When did I lost the way?!
Was it when I got raped as a kid by 2 men (not together like it matter) I don't even know to say how many times it happened I know for sure it was more than once each.
One of them were my neighbor who had 2 little sisters, in that time I really loved children and anyway our moms were friends so I found myself going there to play with them
I Don't remember specific details of it and I feel bad about it and start doubting if it ever happend.
Part of my is happy for that cause maybe my situation would be harder, the other part feels not a whole like there's something missing.
About the other "case" I know for sure it happened even though I don't have all the details in my head.
This one also lived few blocks from me.
What's connecting between the two is the that both of them took advantage of the fact that I liked children. I guess I don't like them anymore like I used to thanks to that.
I had to live with this thing by MYSELF
No one in my family knew till I was 23
I didn't share it cause I have religious family.
Didn't thought they will understand especially my Dad he is so strict and hard person.
Me and him don't get along at all.

Cant take it no more
Maybe from outside my life may seem perfect
Inside its all more of a hellhole
I am a blackhole
Not even light can escape
Sucks every positive thing ever inside it
Not a bit of happiness or calm
All you can see is a vast span of nothingness
Oh you cant see it because it seems invisible
But whatever goes near it
Whatever touches it leaves no trace behind
I definitely dont matter to you
But dodging hundred heads everyday i make my way out everyday
I save myself everyday
Try to be peaceful and normal everyday
While its so turbulent inside
A great day for me is when no misfortune happens
And great days rarely come
I shine sometimes
But overshadowed by brighter stars galaxies nebulas
Blinded by their dazzling light
But i still do exist
A hole growing bigger by day
A hole of nothingness by night
A hole of negativity
A blanket of chilling biting snow
The worst of storms
A nightmare alive and walking
Get up everyday fake my existence to myself
While i myself know that i am more of a walking dead
My mind is a rare place only few get to visit
No one who will understand in this world of extroverts
That i cant fake no more
I cant be somebody else anymore
I cant fake laughter cant fake mingle with people cant make friends easily
That you have to try just once more to be friends
Give me one more chance to be your friend
I know black holes are mysterious and deleterious
But who knows you maybe surprised
I want to live too
No help
Actually no one can
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#blackhole #nightmare #anxietyonthemighty #Anxiety #Depression #MentalHealth #storms #hellhole #turbulent #fake #existence #negativity #nopositivity #invisible