I found something about myself today.
Since I was a teenager, my biggest nightmare was something I called "aam zindagi" which translates to "common life". In the nightmare, I was an unaccomplished person who was married to someone who didn't love me, I had two kids I never wanted, and I was just a housewife whose job was to cook and clean only.
A lot jas happened since then. A person whom I loved who didn't love me back and my resulting inability to love anyone else, my battles with loneliness, the war I fought (and am still fighting) with anxiety and depression, grandmother's cancer, my father who said I have no rights to the childhood home I grew up in, my mother's constant screaming, my brother who has a low IQ and ADHD which makes it difficult for him fo study and be normal (I'm always worried about his future), and the 35 bmi that I now have because of stress eating, hair fall, the constant tension headaches which seem to come and go as per their will, and the fact that I am 24 now and soon I'll have to either marry someone (arranged only since for love marriage you need to have someone whom you love and who loves you) or be a lonely woman in the near future.
I could not fully understand why was I triggered by the word "marriage", but now I do. It seems to be the last step in making my actual life "aam zindagi". A life I used to once consider worse than death itself.
But I did something different today too. I walked and talked with a guy I met on Tinder for nearly 4 hours, I reconnected with a college friend, and I finally made up my mind and finally made up my mind to say no to someone with whom I didn't want to spend time with but was kinda forcing myself.
I know the college friend won't be there in my life forever, and the Tinder guy I met today is, well maybe a little cute yes (and I can kinda imagine kissing him), won't be able to help scare my loneliness away. After the call with my college friend I listened to "One More Light" and cried. I cried and understood my fear of the word "marriage", why is that a trigger for me. I finally admitted to myself that I want friends and I want someone to love me, someone I love as well. And it might sound needy, but we as humans need a social network to thrive.
I don't know what this realization means and what I gotta do now. But I know a little more about myself today. I really hope that one day I am free of this fear of loneliness and be happy. The current image I have is surrounded by friends, resting after a day of fun with my head on my lover's chest. I don't know if this image is correct, needy, unrealistic, or what but I hope that one day I'm as happy as I look like in that image.
Brain's empty now. I love reading people's comments and thoughts so feel free to do so. 🤗
Forgive any typos, I didn't review this one before writing.
#Loneliness #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #cry #nightmare #scaryfuture #idk