I’m glad that today I found out I have almost all the symptoms of bpd, for years. I’ve always thought I was a weirdo, I had depression, or I just didn’t fit in the world, and not until today did I see so many people who are experiencing the same feelings as I. I’m a bit relieved, but still confused. #boardlinepersonalitydisorder
I have been struggling lately with just being done. I fight all the time. Not with anyone else but myself. There is this war inside me. I have #boardlinepersonalitydisorder and #DepressiveDisorders . I have two kids that I love and have been hanging on for them but that feeling is changing to maybe they would be better if I wasn’t here. I know how to handle the need to die when it is responsive to a perceived slight or hurt feelings that is part of my #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder . Right now, there is this slow burn that is making it so hard to want to live. I am just tired. I am tired of the battle inside. I have been in therapy for 20 years. The beginning of my life has been filled with intense trauma that is hard to overcome. I feel like why bother anymore. I can’t escape it. It never ends. I tried last weekend. I had a plan but it was messed up by my two boyfriends (I am ethically non monogamous. They know about each other) One called the other to come check on me and then told me if I ate dinner and took a nap and still wanted to hurt myself he would leave. Bit his presence messed up my time line so my plan was aborted. I am finding that I am back to planning on my head. I don’t want to. I have this intense duality. I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to live anymore either. There is no fix. I am in therapy and have talked openly with my therapist. I am following my safety plan. I just hate feeling like this. I hate myself that I can’t get passed this struggle. I just needed to vent. No one else understands.
My partner studies psychology, and sometimes I wonder if she treats me more like a client then a partner. she treats me sort of like a child in the sense that she doesn’t think I’m capable of doing anything. she constantly talks about my health and ‘observating’ ‘noticing’ what my mental health has been like. she tells me that lately I’ve been this or that or every Tuesday’s I get upset. which isn’t what happens BPD doesn’t run on a weekly roster of moods. it’s got to the point where now I feel like I can’t say how I’m feeling without her saying something of ‘your health is declining’ or she has to talk a Valium because she’s so stressed about my health. but in reality I’ve been the best I have been in the last 3 months. it feels like she has authority over me like I can’t do anything without confirming with her first. has anyone else had these issues with a partner and have any advice on what I could do? #boardlinepersonalitydisorder #Relationships
So I just quit my job on a tropical island and moved back home to search for a new one because I hated being surrounded by drunks who I lived with and my boyfriend drinking or getting drunk every night. I’m not a drinker and the party life was just too much for me as a sober person it became boring. But now I’m dating my boyfriend still long distance and he takes drugs and drinks a lot and I’m not sure if it’s just because he is surrounded by it or if this is who he is.
worse thing about returning after the xmas/ new year's break is... the small talk of how your time off has been, waking up I can do facing and lying about how it was.... no so much #struggleisreal #boardlinepersonalitydisorder #okbutnotok
everyone calls or messages me about their friends issues or questions and concerns about mental health but no one give two cents that I struggle every hour every second every day with myself and no one “understands “ or they say they do but no action happens they r just frustrated with me and what happens but when it’s them bitches they r perfect and act to fix things as son as they can ... I really don’t think u guys really know how bad I hurt!!! #BPD #boardlinepersonalitydisorder #llness #mental #CheckInWithMe
I can't take my thoughts any longer. I feel so alone and insane. for the past few months I've gotten more manic and having thoughts of wanting to die and that my kids are better off without me. I feel like everyone hates me even my husband. since I got sober 2 1/2 years ago I cut all my friends out of my life. I feel like I have no one to talk to I just talk to myself and get crazier.
3 days ago my very best friend of 20 years passed away from complications from alcohol 😭 my heart is broken. I wish I could have helped him. so on top of of my hardcore depression and thoughts of worthlessness I know feel so broken from my friends passing.
my counselor is a joke and doesnt listen to me. she had me schedule an appointment to have another big evaluation/testing done and she said maybe I shouldn't see her until that's done... my appointment for that's not until February!!!She doesnt care to see me for 2 months?! Wtf
I've seen so many counselors through out my life i am so sick of trying to find a good one around here. there is no where here to get mental health medications and my regular doctor doesnt seem to be able to help me. my husband has no clue how to help me or relate to me. so therefore I just talk to myself and feel more alone. I want to be happy.
I want to not want to die. I want to enjoy life.
I want to smile. I want to experience joy. I just want to love myself and have my brain stop hurting. I need help.
sorry for venting. normally I keep to myself
Does anyone else with BPD find that they can wake up feeling like they have plenty of energy but quickly get exhausted just doing an every day activity? (for example making themselves breakfast) I know disrupted sleep patterns is a common symptom of BPD
abominableangie.blog/november-10-2019
Follow the link to my daily blog. I post daily and am looking for more people to connect with that have the same disorder as me.
#Anxiety #EatingDisorders
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