struggleisreal

Today is just a struggle day. Whether it is from the anxiety, splitting, dysthymia with a current depressive episode, adhd, binge eating, abandonment…..couldn’t sleep last night because of anxiety. The few hours I did get, when I woke up the anxiety level was still high and I just wanted to cry. Okay…I have cried a few times. Any amount of tears is crying for me, I used to be, as my family called me, “a heartless bitch.” I miss being oblivious to feelings.

Every since my male FP gained a new female friend…I always feel in flight or fight mode. Most days I can ignore it easily., others not so much. I feel like I’m being replaced. It doesn’t mean I feel like he will abandon me, but that he is putting someone over me.

How I was taught love, is by attention. If you have someone’s attention they love you. If not? They don’t.
#struggleisreal #hurting #Crying #Ugh #FavoritePerson

What do you listen to to calm yourself. Something to listen at work.
#Anxiety #Selfharm #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #Trauma #needhelp #overlife #struggleisreal

Find your why...

Reflecting on the deep, dark thoughts I have inside my head. Thoughts that swirl in a fog of black & white thinking. Those thoughts that never seem to go away, they just hide and grow smaller until I think they’ve disappeared. But, I see a glimmer of their shiny, sharp edges...ready to come out to shred me. To peel back the layers of self-defeat, self-hatred, self-centered thoughts. Screaming, crying, sleeping, eating, doing everything but drinking. The edges gleam through the moonlit window, see my sorrow & pain. The sharpness glides across my wrist...relief. Oh, the peace that crosses my mind and heart. The quietness of my breath as it slows down, in and out as it whispers to me...do not go, find your why. Softly, I shut my eyes.

The why.

Why is what can make or break me, I decide. My why is the newfound strength that awakens me every morning; the why that makes me appreciate all that I have. My why, externally, is a thousand and one reasons to get out of bed, to smile as I remind myself to go about the day with that gratitude. Internally, my why is stronger than I can hardly believe. As my mind wanders back over all the years, thinking, reflecting, raising awareness.

My gift, my why, to the world is to know that I have persevered, that I am no longer a victim, that I am a survivor, able to help, to affirm, to listen, to lead, to console those who come before me and, sadly, those who come after me. I am a woman with a fire inside her, coming from an ember to a raging blaze. I will set this world on fire with the knowledge I have gained.

My why, is me.

#findYourwhy
#struggleisreal
#Depression

worse thing about returning after the xmas/ new year's break is... the small talk of how your time off has been, waking up I can do facing and lying about how it was.... no so much #struggleisreal #boardlinepersonalitydisorder #okbutnotok

Today I am lonely, sad, and lost.

How are you?

This problems with my job and marriage made me feel like a failure
Today's mental health goals are to try to find some positive
These are the reasons why I'm proud of myself: I haven't given up yet
I've been thinking a lot about my faith, trying to connect more with God
I'm feeling unsuccessful today...
I want to find peace, find joy, have a stronger connection with God
I hope I can overcome what I perceive are my failures
I love my children, my family, laughing
I will continue to try #struggleisreal #MyHeartHurts #depressionsucks #Feelinglikeafailure

Although I have a lot of stressors in my life I thought I was handling everything pretty well up until yesterday. I came home from work and just laid down and cried. This morning I struggled to get out of bed and get to work. I just lay there for the longest time trying to find the will power to take even the first step to starting my day. I just want to sleep. And sleep. And sleep.

Growing up not being allowed to have feeling or show emotions was my normal. When I got older people always asked what was wrong and how I felt. I never learned feelings. I knew happy and sad but that’s it. When people asked me I’d say I don’t know. They started judging me on that I just don’t care but inside I wanted to open up and let people in I just didn’t have the words. I’m now in college and learning emotions. It’s hard learning them now due to the fact everyone else are pros! I tend to get frustrated because I want it to happen over night. That’s not how it works sadly.. It takes years. I’m behind but I will keep working hard and never give up! If you have similar struggles, just know there are people out there who are in the same boat. It is hard and lonely as times. Just don’t let people discourage you from achieving what you want. I’ll always be here to listen or share more of my story! Keep going and stay strong 💜