Find your why...
Reflecting on the deep, dark thoughts I have inside my head. Thoughts that swirl in a fog of black & white thinking. Those thoughts that never seem to go away, they just hide and grow smaller until I think they’ve disappeared. But, I see a glimmer of their shiny, sharp edges...ready to come out to shred me. To peel back the layers of self-defeat, self-hatred, self-centered thoughts. Screaming, crying, sleeping, eating, doing everything but drinking. The edges gleam through the moonlit window, see my sorrow & pain. The sharpness glides across my wrist...relief. Oh, the peace that crosses my mind and heart. The quietness of my breath as it slows down, in and out as it whispers to me...do not go, find your why. Softly, I shut my eyes.
Why is what can make or break me, I decide. My why is the newfound strength that awakens me every morning; the why that makes me appreciate all that I have. My why, externally, is a thousand and one reasons to get out of bed, to smile as I remind myself to go about the day with that gratitude. Internally, my why is stronger than I can hardly believe. As my mind wanders back over all the years, thinking, reflecting, raising awareness.
My gift, my why, to the world is to know that I have persevered, that I am no longer a victim, that I am a survivor, able to help, to affirm, to listen, to lead, to console those who come before me and, sadly, those who come after me. I am a woman with a fire inside her, coming from an ember to a raging blaze. I will set this world on fire with the knowledge I have gained.
My why, is me.