Today, I feel emotionally exhausted, drained, spent, all of the above. I want support, but I also want to push everyone away. I had been “up” for a while, so I guess this is where the “down” begins. I’m going to attempt to create some type of a safe zone for myself for the time being. And to be honest, I’m really hating myself for letting in certain people into my life who had no intention of staying. It may be all in my head, but that’s how I feel about it. It’s even harder sometimes to accept that I do matter. That, and constant vacillating between knowing who I am and completely feeling like I don’t have an identity at all. I know it will all pass eventually, I’m just feeling every inch of this right now. Tears and all. #MentalHealth #Depression #Borerlinepersonalitydisorder #Upsanddowns #Emotionallydrained
I have mentioned before that the step father is a narcissist. My mom says that I shouldn’t worry about this so much because it’s not my problem. To an extent I get it because they are married and such, but this does effect me as well. I wanted to talk to my therapist about it, but didn’t because of what was said. I feel like I have to get this out in the open because not talking about it is not helping me at all. It feels like I’m lying for my family all over again as I’ve done before and I can’t continue to do that. If I’m going to continue down the road of healing, I HAVE to acknowledge this because by not speaking up about it has caused me to feel very angry and emotionally exhausted. #MentalHealth #Depression #Borerlinepersonalitydisorder #narcissism
It’s difficult for me to handle rejection, but the thing that I find myself doing when I feel like someone is leaving or has left me
is that I’ll one, cry hard and heavily, and two, I’ll dive into doing a million and one things to distract myself. I may hate this person for abandoning me, but I’ll hate myself more for letting that person in. I am learning through therapy to not let my worth and overall well-being depend on other people, but I still find that I have to work extra hard on this because it hurts to the point that I found myself having suicidal thoughts because of being rejected. I’ve had enough traumatic experiences (especially with men) to where I don’t want to trust or open up to another man again. Yet and still, I hold a lot of empathy and I care deeply for those who do enter my life. Am I really an optimist in this regard even though I see myself as a staunch pessimist? Why do I hold so much love within me even though I’ve been miserable and mistreated for most of my life? I’ve never been someone who vocally expresses how I feel because I’m awful with words, but I am a loyal person and will protect you if necessary. The thing is, I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve just about given up on love and relationships (or at least I’m giving them up for a while). Nothing but pain has been experienced. I’ve gone quiet on a guy recently who has left me again. I don’t expect for anyone to come back into my life, I’m not even sure if the idea of “if it was meant to be, it would come back to you” is even a real thing. I think living behind a thick brick fortress sounds like a better option at this point. #MentalHealth #Depression #Borerlinepersonalitydisorder #Rejection #Trauma
I stopped taking my medication because it was causing a pretty severe skin rash. I tried reaching out to my doctor for help, but she wasn't in the office and the doctor I spoke to pretty much told me "you either deal with the itch or deal with the crazy." And I tried to deal with the itch. I tried so hard. I took it for 5 days with Claritin until the itch got so bad that I just couldn't anymore. So now I'm on my first day without my meds and I can't afford to call my doctor and my job won't give me insurance until I've been there for a year. I'm not gonna make it to a year...I don't even know if I'm going to make it to tonight.
#Borerlinepersonalitydisorder #Depression #SideEffects
I’ve been doing so well lately until this afternoon. I had a panic attack and self harm thoughts, and had a particularly tough time working through it. I have POTS, and was unable to do the simple task of vacuuming without being symptomatic so I think that’s what brought this on. I feel like I failed and was defeated. Now I’m exhausted and can’t feel any emotions yet still want to self harm #Borerlinepersonalitydisorder #Anxiety #BPD #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome
I am great at finding things to do when I'm well but when I'm resting or preserving energy due to symptoms of my disability I find the boredom is causing a lot of discomfort and unbearable feelings leading to helplessness because I know there's only so much I can do to fill my time when I'm in pain, drowsy from the painkillers, exhausted emotionally or just feeling defeated due to a combination of things.
I read a lot but the meds affect my concentration so I've downloaded audiobooks as an alternative but I still struggle to pay attention.
I watch documentaries and Netflix etc
meditation sometimes is helpful
I'm just feeling totally down because it is exacerbating the feeling of exclusion and missing out on things
how do you guys cope with your disability or chronic pain that causes boredom?
Hi, my name is Hannah Rose. I just got diagnosed with bpd. I’ve been having a hard time coping, staying rational, and not feeling guilty for everything. I was hoping someone could give me some advice that helps them