I want 5 women who want to break free from family narratives and reconnect with their inner child in the next 30 days!!
#innerchildhealing #familynarratives #BreakingCycles #messyhealing #healingjourney #selftrust #reparenting #softhealing
I lashed out a few days ago. In doing so, I hurt my mother’s feelings. I hurt knowing I hurt her. I can’t afford counseling so I’ve turned to the internet to help me examine why I become so quick to anger. When I read that resonated with me was basically, anger is frustration, and frustration stems from a feeling (real or not) lack of control. After digesting that information I felt so much peace. I haven’t had near the frustration with life (mostly raising my 2-1/2 year old). I haven’t yelled at him since. I apologized to my mother for my outburst. I tried explaining what I was experiencing, but I’m still getting the silent treatment. I accept that while I didn’t intend to, I emotionally abused her. I understand she may need time and space (we both need space) to forgive me. She is currently taking out her frustration and anger, not just on me, but also my son. He runs to her to play and she acts as though he doesn’t exist either. I can’t accept her emotionally abusing my son as a means to hurt me. She’s suffered a lifetime of emotional abuse herself, from her parents, my father, and number of other family and friends. I feel for her. But it’s time to break these cycles. I don’t want my son growing up with needless anxiety and hurt...
Deep breaths
#EmotionalAbuse #Depression #Anxiety #DysfunctionalFamily #BreakingCycles
Twenty years ago I was emotionally abused by my first boyfriend. Being convinced I wasn’t worth loving started a cycle of self-injury, guilt, depression, loneliness, promiscuous sex, guilt, emptiness, self-injury.....
Now I have a husband who I want to think loves me, some days I KNOW he does. But how can someone who loves you intentionally do something they know would hurt you, and then lie to you about it?
So the cycle keeps going, replacing the promiscuous sex with other forms of excessive sexual gratification. Except there’s nothing gratifying about any of it. You’re never satisfied, the void is never filled, so the cycle just keeps on going. How does the cycle ever get broken when your mind is your worst enemy. #Selfharm #Selfworth #EmotionalAbuse #BreakingCycles
I have individual counseling twice a week. Today my counselor was in tears and said to me, “LaRissa, I need to say this but I have no idea how you’re going to react. You might want to punch me or you might want to take back everything you’ve shared with me. But I need for you to hear me when I say this... you’re parents, were shitty parents.” My head lowered, my shoulders dropped and I was as small as I could get. I love my parents, they were far from perfect but they were so much better then any of the parents my friends had. Most children in my neighborhood wished my parents were theirs. They knew how to provide for us and definitely keep up an image of what a family with two working parents, looks like. Behind closed doors though, no one knew my mom was mean, that her big beautiful smile could turn into an almost sinister glare. That the words rolling off her tongue could be so venomous. It’s ironic how I described her like that seeing as she has a snake phobia, absolutely terrified of them. My mom never had an easy life especially growing up on the Reservation foster home to foster home. To the outside looking in though my mom lucked out, she was taken in by the family who owned the only bank in town. They sent her to Hawaii with her foster sister for their high school graduation. Bought them a trailer in the nearest city so they could start their lives as adults. But my mom met my bio dad that year and to this day will say she never loved him he was only a way out of where she was.. if she moved in with my bio dad from that trailer just exactly was my mom needing an out from? I asked her once and she did a 180 on me, I never had the guts to ask anything else. My step dad though he’s the man who raised me whose expectations I still want to live up to. He beat the hell out of my mom when he was drunk, sometimes my brothers to. He’s an underground miner though, works 28 days straight with one day off in the, middle for shift change, then he was off for 10 days. That’s been his life for the past ten years. He’s hard working and loves us kids. He was given up for adoption by his bio mom after realizing four kids may just be too much, He met his older three siblings at her funeral back in 2010. He was adopted by My Papa and his then girlfriend Pam, She left them not too long after, it was just those two. My papas sisters are who my dad calls his moms, they’re all my grandmas. They’re not a very easy family to be from either. So I don’t blame my parents for anything, I love them even more. I just pray for them all the time. I hope maybe one day they may want to do the ground work of where all their hurt is from and work through it. To want to be the healthiest mentally, emotionally and possibly physically, they can be. To accept the love I will pour into every word I need to tell them, so that one day I may be at peace in my mind. So that one day, I can and not only can but will accept the love I deserve. #PTSD #BreakingCycles #Healing #Selfcare #PersonalGrowth
Today I had no choice but to get up and care for my one year old nephew, while his mama is at work. I did however lay in bed still, with him roaming my room... All I can think is, thank goodness I haven’t had a baby yet. I seen a future for myself I never seen before.. the reality. I seen myself a few years from now but with a child of my own. Going through exactly what I am now. Being in such a depressed state that I can only provide the basic needs, if that. My heart sank. I’ve been yearning to know what love is, to know what it’s like to be loved just as much as I love. To have a companion that I’m choosing to love as is, every single day. To hopefully have a half mini me and half the person, whom I adore. I long for that future. I accepted that if I don’t continue to help myself, whether it’s through therapy and/or medication or home remedies, eating healthier and exercise. It’s not possible. I want to be mentally, physically and emotionally healthy before I start my family. And I don’t mean to offend those who have families, it just hasn’t happened for myself yet. They say most children grow either wanting to be like their parents or far from it... I definitely want to be healthier. Alcoholism and addiction are practically passed down to my siblings and I, half of us addicts ourselves. Growing up I didn’t want kids because I realized just how much you can’t protect a child when you are doing everything you can to do so. The fear set in and I swore I’d never have children because I couldn’t even trust that I myself wouldn’t be bat shit crazy, raising my family. As a child of a mom with severe mental health issues herself, I’d never have one just Incase I was like her. Don’t get me wrong my mom is one of the sweetest and friendliest women you will ever meet, that is in public anyways. She also has the teeth of a rattlesnake and will spit venom, which is ironic considering her fear of snakes. I haven’t had much contact with her and I miss my mom so much. I wish and pray for her to get the healing she needs, so that one day I can bare to be in her presence. I put my foot down with anyone who mistreats me, parents included. It’s taking everything in me to not give in and just go back to the never ending repetitive cycle that has been my life. But today though, today I pulled myself out of bed I showered, I did my hair and makeup, I sent a few messages to some loved ones, seeing as I’ve isolated myself, even deleting every social media platform I was on, till I found this app. I opened up about what I’m experiencing and I’m okay. #BreakingCycles #Healing #BPD #Anxiety #PTSD #Depression
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