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Its okay to not be okay? Then stop with the upsides.

My friends like to point out the upside of my traveling over the holidays when I feel alien and like I have no where else to go because I’ve chosen to distance myself from my dysfunctional family.

“At least you saw some beautiful places…” - Yes, I went to a beach keenly aware that I was alone, it was Thanksgiving and I ate alone with food I picked up from the grocery store that I didn’t actually have to cook. It was fine—at best. But better than sitting with dysfunctional family—mine or anyone else’s.

“At least you got to travel and get away…” - I wasn’t a vacation. It was an escape, a hiding, an anxiety-ridden space of time where I needed to be anywhere else than home.

“At least blah blah blah” - Just stop. I do the best I can with the situation that I’m in. We live in a world that is structured by families. I will always feel outside of the norm. Do I have to pretend fine just to make you okay with my struggle?

This kind of response is why I need to run and hide. At least I can be myself and feel my feelings when I’m alone. I don’t want to be around people who want me to find the upside in having no family. Newsflash, it sucks. You feel like a spotlight is on your head wherever you go. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to stay in. You don’t want to be with cheery other peoples families to remind yourself that that will never be your life.

And by you, I mean me. I speak for myself when I say stop trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes some things in life suck.

#Truth #Sorrynotsorry #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD
#alone #DysfunctionalFamily

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Removing Stress From My Life By Cutting off Toxic Family Members 🖤✂️ #Caregiving #Stress #Toxic #Depression #MentalHealth

Sadly, last week was disastroustly stressful. My mom had an accident on my brand new carpet that I had to clean up then that weekend I got yelled at by my bitter eldest sister. I was so baffled and confused.

My entire heart felt like it was becoming detach so that it can begin to fall into a never ending void.

I was so taken aback because I was unsure as to why she verbally attacked me. Especially when she knew of the week I had caring for our mom.

Now, to give a bit of insight on our relationship. My sister is one of those people who has a super short temper. And it’s like walking on eggshells when you enter a conversation with her. I always have to make sure that I am mentally prepared for whatever she decides to sprew before answering any of her calls.

I am writing this on The Mighty so that I can get it out of my heart and move on to the healing phase. Because this happened last Sunday and I’ve been tossing and turning, losing sleep over it every since.

Because when you have sacrificed so much for a person and not receive the same efforts in return it becomes torture to one’s mental health. I am thinking though when I look back that maybe she was only pretending to be nice to me so that she can use me.

I have traveled 9hrs to be there for her when she was sick. I loaned her money on several different occasions whenever she asked and she has never paid back what she owed. Also just a little FYI me loaning money to her has always put my family in a financial bind but we always just try and use local resources that we have within our community.

However, I think that when I finally told her that I couldn’t loan her anymore money that was when she decided to be disrespectful. I told her that my husband and I went out for tacos and she screamed in my ear asking why I didn’t bring our mom along.

I am a caregiver for my mom but this was a night out for my husband and I. And on another note. No one else has offered to help care for our mom. I’ve had her for two years and whenever I call to let them know that I need help I get no response. Plus what business was it for her to even question me about our mom when she don’t even pick up the phone to call and check on her. She has never offered to let her stay with her for a holiday to give me a break.

Every since the ordeal with her I have been having a headache and my hair seems to be shedding because of the stress. So I am going to leave this here on the mighty and take a break from social media to focus on clearing my mind, removing toxic people from my life, and to make a promise to myself to never allow a toxic family member back into my life (this isn’t my first rodeo with her). I tried to cut ties with her before but she called apologizing once before and like I stated before I believe she only did that to have access to my kindness. Only to take advantage of me.

I close this in hopes to move on, reduce stress, and to get back to happiness. Because my taco night with my husband was pure happiness until my toxic sister called to ruin it all for me.

#overthinking #PTSD #DysfunctionalFamily


Leave The Past In The Past? #scapegoat #NarcissisticAbuse #DysfunctionalFamily

I was just thinking about how, over the years, I would bring up a memory with a family member in hope that THIS time I would finally be heard and they would see what had been and continues to go on in this family. The response would usually be, "Why can't you just leave the past in the past?"

I JUST realized, my FAMILY members are my past; because, they are NEVER going to change, acknowledge, nor have any remorse and I am so PAST being abused. So, I will take my family member's advice to leave the past in the past and that's where they all will stay.

No contact has been a good thing; because, I realize now that when they kept saying, "Oh, you're SO negative," the reality is, I have never been a negative person. I was surrounded by negative people through whom I endured negative experiences and for which I had an appropriately negative response.

Since going no contact, my true, positive, silver lining seeking self is growing stronger and stronger every single day!

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It's Better To Be Alone Than To Be Abused By Anyone #codependent #CPTSD #NarcissisticAbuse #toxicfamily

Me with my dad 4 months before he passed away. I edited this photo today as a reminder of strength and discipline; because, "it's better to be alone than to be abused" by anyone.

Quote from the book, Codependent - Now What?

It’s Not You — It’s Your Programming by Lisa A. Romano

Book link: www.lisaaromano.com/codependent-now-what-book

#familymobbing #narcissisticadultchildren #scapegoat #DysfunctionalFamily

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MY PARENTS ARE COMING TO VISIT!! 🤪 #DysfunctionalFamily #gaslight narcisstic abuse survivor

So my Narcopath father informs me they are coming to visit because he wants to see if my mother (who has advanced Alzheimer/Dementia) will be able to cope with a 2 hour flight so later he can take her to Europe to visit the family (which is 10 times longer than the flight to my place). All sorts of flashbacks, emotions, dramas have unfolded as a result.
He asked me what would I suggest. He's coming in the middle of school term and I told him what days will suit us best for arriving and leaving. He goes ahead and books the tickets at the cheapest flights (they've got plenty of money) at the times which do not suit me NOR my poor mother. They are arriving at 10pm and leaving at 6am in the morning. So my poor mother will have to wake up at the latest at 4:30am to catch their flight. She is already disoriented, will need help getting dressed and slow as she is riddled with arthritis, diabetes and has migraines.
My head is already spinning at how its going to be and I've been cleaning like a mad woman to get my house ready.
He tells me (he's super controlling) how he wants to sit and chat (in reality he will talk and we can listen) and on his last visit here one day my husband left for work and dad was talking to me and 7 hours later when hubby returned, we haven't moved.
Thankfully I'm married otherwise I would be completely railroaded (mind you I'm 54 years old and still being treated like I'm 15). My dad will have to mind himself or the wrath of my husband will come down on father's head.
So this comes just after I've set boundaries as strong as I possibly can, next best thing to No Contact. I'm glad I've got those boundaries clear because father thinks he can push me around and be rude with no consequences.
I'm only doing this for my mothers sake - poor soul! My heart breaks for her. And he makes me want to tear my heart out!!



This poem reflects how a million thoughts and emotions in my mind keep getting into conflict with one another to the point that it feels like a million people are fighting in your head.

I close my eyes
Sink into the melancholy of night,
Wondering if it’s ever ,
Ever going to be alright .

I hear a loud screech ,
Far from my reach ,
My mind jerks and heart pounding
I wake up .
The beasts are fighting
One scratches the other
One pushes the other
It continues and escalates into a full blown combat

As the ferociousness increases
My heart races,
I wonder why I feel so uneasy ?
As I am merely a spectator

My head spinning
My blood hasting
My eyes tearing
I curl up under the blanket
Waiting for the storm to pass
Hoping it calms down at last
Hoping it doesn’t leave me aghast !

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Fuck it, I’m blonde now! #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BorderlineStigma #identitycrisis #fuckdepression

So I’m blonde now. Cut my hair. Am starting to be more blunt yet trying to be respectful to my family’s manipulation actions. Recognize they love me. But I’m in charge of my life. Not them. So yeah, one day at a time. But you know what? Yeah I have borderline personality disorder but that doesn’t mean I’m the problem in my family. Disease is. Theirs too. So with a good attitude, responsibility, self love and love towards them, in that order, I can and will move on and consequently they will too. #Depression #Anxiety #Life #DysfunctionalFamily #Loveistheway #fuckhaters #LoveLetters #lovenothate


House plant self-care

When COVID became a real threat in the US, I packed my bags and drove 800 miles, 13 hours to my hometown to be with family... just in case things got really bad. I had not forgotten about the trauma I experienced there. I just hoped, like I often do that things would be better. Hoped that she would be less alcoholic and more nurturing. I was wrong. Nevertheless, I was in the city for 6 weeks, re-exposing myself to old wounds and gaining new ones. Fresh trauma sent me racing back to my southern safe haven. My small sunny apartment of 10 years.

Since being back I recovered a new joy. My new hobby of caring for houseplants. I had 3 before I left and 2 survived 6 weeks with no attention. I started researching plants, watching videos and I’m now trying very hard to temper my desire for more plants. I have purchased 8 more. I am intentionally buying them small bc they are cheap and I get the pleasure of watching them grow. I get to give it attention and nurture it. My favorite is this little ‘string of pearls.’ I’m going to get a monstera today.

I’m unemployed with no income, but this is my healthy distraction. This is my joy!
#Selfcare #Depression #houseplants #DysfunctionalFamily #covidanxiety #COVID19MentalHealthCare #Anxiety #PMDD

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How to handle living at Home having a toxic relationship with your mother?

22, student, living at Home because Im saving for an apartament (and can't afford moving out as a student).. but struggling som bad with basically the quote, my mom.. feelz like I've tried everything.. she can make a fight out og anything, and no matter how I react to it, I'm the bad guy.. help? #ToxicRelationships #DysfunctionalFamily

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