Its okay to not be okay? Then stop with the upsides.
My friends like to point out the upside of my traveling over the holidays when I feel alien and like I have no where else to go because I’ve chosen to distance myself from my dysfunctional family.
“At least you saw some beautiful places…” - Yes, I went to a beach keenly aware that I was alone, it was Thanksgiving and I ate alone with food I picked up from the grocery store that I didn’t actually have to cook. It was fine—at best. But better than sitting with dysfunctional family—mine or anyone else’s.
“At least you got to travel and get away…” - I wasn’t a vacation. It was an escape, a hiding, an anxiety-ridden space of time where I needed to be anywhere else than home.
“At least blah blah blah” - Just stop. I do the best I can with the situation that I’m in. We live in a world that is structured by families. I will always feel outside of the norm. Do I have to pretend fine just to make you okay with my struggle?
This kind of response is why I need to run and hide. At least I can be myself and feel my feelings when I’m alone. I don’t want to be around people who want me to find the upside in having no family. Newsflash, it sucks. You feel like a spotlight is on your head wherever you go. You don’t want to go out. You don’t want to stay in. You don’t want to be with cheery other peoples families to remind yourself that that will never be your life.
And by you, I mean me. I speak for myself when I say stop trying to find the silver lining. Sometimes some things in life suck.
#Truth #Sorrynotsorry #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD